listening to Pogo and Gogol Bordello. Went shopping with the Motherboard for clothes for Alabama, well, didn't find much but I got a pair of a cool shoes and a really awesome shirt and a pair of jeans. I didn't care that the shoes are a little bit small cause I was wearing big fluffy socks, so every shoe would be tight, yes? well, I'm sorry about being a bum and not being able to update all about my room. With all this college stuff and school in general, it's been like a sudden halt on my room. It was going along so well and now its like BAM!!! not good at all. I will begin ... maybe after I return from Alabama? I hope. Really, I want this as much as you do, if you do want it anyway, haha. Well. So whats new with me? What shall I speak about today? I applied to 6 colleges yesterday! I am not getting my first D! New Clothes! Cat is doing fine, still giving me fits of sneezing and itchy eyes! Really, I just love it when he sits outside the bathroom door, waiting like he needs a drink of water RIGHT. THIS. MOMENT. and meows and scratches and I have to say "Cocoa, TWO MINUTES PLEASE!" and then he'll be quiet. I think he likes to know that I did not disappear into oblivion. Oh what a cat. Uhm, so yes, I must get back to my load o' homework.

I wish I lived in another time. I know you hear this daily, that so and so was born in the wrong era just because she loveslovesloves&<3s; white="Peace" red="Logical," blue=" Loyal," yellow="Positive,">

What makes me think about this? Today, I talked to the cross-walk man. Every time I walk, I thank him and/or say "Have a nice day!!" but today! oh man I am so happy! I also told him "happy veteren's day!" and he looked at me and told me "Ya know? I was in the army 61 years ago! Truman's time, kept me a year more than I was supposed to be in, I just turned 80!" To which I replied "Wow! Happy Birthday! And thank you for your service to our country.". I could cry just thinking about him. Here is this sweet man who 61 years ago was a 19 year old boy walking through the year 1948. Was he scared? Was he thinking of his girl? Did he imagine his life as being a cross walk man at 80? He is such a nice man who usually tells me he thought I graduated and I will never forget him. My mother says they don't make people like they used to. Kind, Sweet, Thoughtful, Generous people unlike the girls and boys in my school. I've sifted through them all and found the remaining good ones that I am friends with but, I'm sorry, I don't belong amongst the others. I sound so pompous. I'm sorry, I simply mean that the blood that runs through my veins is different from their's. Mine is not better, their's is not better. We just have different values, different agreements on whats decent and whats not.

Also: Happy Veteren's Day! This is my fourth favorite holiday! This is the reason I still say the Pledge of Alligence. I mean I'm not one for politics, I'm not one for declaring wars on other countries, I'm not one for greed, but when I think of men (and later, the women!) who sacrificed their lives, who did what they thought was right for America, who sat and cried in a bunker, who saw their friend be killed, who tried to help their dying friend, who saved their friend, who took out a bible, a book, a picture of their girlfriend in the night, well, I could just cry, because ours lives are so easy compared to theirs that we have the time to criticize. I can't look at the flag and not think of our boys, our girls, the world's boys, the world's girls. They were out there and are out there being scared, praying, crying, missing their families, missing a body-part. I'm not trying to preach, just simply delve a little into my head. Veterens?: Thank You For Your Service To Our Country.

I don't know what to say. I have many hopes for the future. This year marks 18 years since my first breath of real air. Amazing isn't it? 18 years of managing to not fall down the stairs (fatally), not being eaten by an animal, not being electricated, not playing with matches, not running after a ball after it rolled into the street, or other various dangers only Lou-Ann would worry about (REFERENCE ... thats what AP English does to ya!). Man, its beautiful but so scary. 18 years more, 18 years less. I would love to have this birthday mean something. A new chance, "a new year" like Sam said, just for me! Its going to be a good year, I really want it to be, I need it to be.

Something for the future me to look back to?:

You Go Girl.

I will be returning to Russia on October 21.
I will return from Russia on October 29.
This is wonderful and frightening.

Have you ever had great expectations for someone? Lets have an example.
Say you are a teenage girl who hears all kinds of escapades of her male friends. You hear all about the girls who are hot and the girls who do things with boys and you hear all about how the boy wants stuff from more than one girl, yes? And some boys you just expect this from. You've known them for a long time and all you can say is "Oh. ____, you crazy boy. you heart breaker." I mean, double standards people! But then there are other boys who you have also known for a long time. And they are quieter and more reserved and you think "This boy is nothing like ____, he is gentle and would never demand anything like ____ does!". And then you hear how the shy boy has gotten stuff from girls and you think "WHAT?". Whats different? Why the double standard? I mean, boy #2 is nothing special, and you have never liked him like that, but still, its weird. I guess I built up Boy #2, more than Boy #1 who has been stealing and crushing hearts since the 7th grade. Boy #2 was better than that. What made Boy #2 different was that he was okay with not having a girl do things to him. He wasn't like Boy #1 or any of the other mindless boys. And here you are hearing scandelous stories of him. My point? Expectations. Do we all build up these larger than life imaginations of people only to see them crumble? I've done it. I'm the worst at it. Another example: My Idol. She was the big sister I've never had. She was everything I've ever wanted to be, witty, sly, fashionable, collected, fabulous, well liked, respected, funny, different, crazy, lovely. I've never met a more wonderful person. I was a freshman and she seemed too old for high school. Too cool. She was best friends with another girl who I considered a beautiful role model. For two years I looked up to these girls. They were the reason for fencing, for playing the flute the best I could. Then, one horrible day, my Idol, the older one, the one so dear, let slip a bad habit. It killed me, I cried, she cried. It wasn't her fault, I wasn't crying solely for the fact of that slip-up. It was the death of her innocence I connected to. I cried for the fact that people were not as good as I thought them to be. I cried because it was true. I cried because she was not as holy, as sacred, as pure as I was modelling myself after. I still hold her dear in my heart but it can never be as it was before. Its as if I've grown to understand not to idolize her as I did.
You see, thats my downfall. Great Expectations. They are only human, subject to whims and stupidities and falls from grace. At times I feel like the Catcher in the Rye. I feel as if kids are growing up faster than they should. I'm only 17 years old for another few days. I'm so old fashioned in my beliefs. Often I wonder who is right.

i have no idea what to write about anymore.
no time to do anything.

some one really angered me today. I wish I was resilient like Michelle, but no, I can't control how fired up I feel and since I don't want to seem like a beeeyotch and moan about it to my friends 24/7, here ya go! Today I was passing around some paper and a pen so that I could get in contact with the girls who were interested in fencing. Now, you may or may not know that this year, since the split of the fencing team into Boys and Girls, our coach has decided to make 2 captains. I am one and someone else is the other (obvious? ahaha). So I was acting all excited and asking all kinds of girls if they were interested and if so, could they be so kind as to write down some simple information?! Well, this must have disgusted a boy on the fencing team since he looked at me and said: "what are you doing that for?" and I, simply smiling, replied: "Because I'm a captain!" and this boy screwed up his face and said "Well, you're only HALF a captain". I didn't know what to say. I just looked at him and walked away thinking nothing of it, but now, - now it stings, I feel insulted and attacked and whats worse? I didn't defend myself. Now a little background on this boy. He is not what you'd call popular, was on the team for one year, and frankly, I feel sorry for him most of the times, so my natural instinct wasn't to lash out. But now, after squirming for hours thinking how such a little comment could make me feel so rotten, well, now its just crazy. In retrospect, I once complimented his hair and his only response was "haha, I know, I like it too." I mean the comment "You're only HALF a captain", not so big, it sounds so silly and playful. But it really hurts, maybe its the responsible in me thats hurt - the part that wants to be taken seriously. Maybe its the pride in me that wants to be respected for the heavy title of Ladies Fencing Captain. I mean, plenty of sports have multiple captains and they are each known as a CAPTAIN. Not a half, not a quarter Captain, not a fifth of a Captain. Jeez. I can't seem to let this go!



Is it me thats overly nice? Is the world overly mean? Is Tennessee Williams right that the sensitive people in the world consistantly get crushed by the brutes? Is being one of the "sensitives" really that bad? I mean, I certainly don't want to be a brutish savage. Oh, my. I feel a bit better but still, cannot believe the children these days, they are stuck in a dream land of "I can do whatever I want, say whatever I want and have no reprocussions!".

Did you happen to catch the sky today? You, and I actually, would think the sky would be dreary and mean looking. And yet, no! I was at my computer, mindlessly wandering and I noticed a strong pink light coming from the window shade and I lifted it up to find a beautiful pink-orange fog shimmering above my neighbor's roof. Then when I was driving I saw that the dark rain clouds broke apart at one section to reveal the lovely deep blue sky beneath it. Another day with a surprise ending. So badly do I want to see the sunrise and sunset in other land, take a trip to the supermarket/bakery/butcher/pastry shop in another land, I want to see beauty everywhere. I want to be able to see beauty in everything. I do now, but I'm so sure that I'm missing more than I see. Other states, other countries, other weather types, in other people's house (welcome, of course). I love my home but I need to travel, my entire body needs that, my soul needs it. I feel so strongly about leaving and coming back home and seeing the world, maybe it's the Beirut on my playlist, he always gets me in a mood to see the world, but the world wasn't made so we could all sit in one place and wait out our lives, at least I'm not going to do that.



Must get it together and write my yearbook write ups. I'll be 18 in a matter of weeks, must find a party place.

A Little Bit About Myself:

What is your current obsession?
Trying to wear all the clothes I wore in summer for as long as possible. Also: Finding out a way to collect all my mom's unused jewlery, why save/waste it, ya know?

What's your horoscope and how do you relate to it?

Libra charcteristics and personality traits:
Ruled by: VENUS.
Your Sun Zodiac sign may not best describe your personality features, your characteristics and general qualities that you bring to life. For many people, their Ascendant or its planetary ruler is the more obvious characteristic, or sometimes the Moon sign. Your Sun sign, rather, says more about the direction you should be moving in, to make the contribution to humanity you were born to make, and thus achieve a degree of personal fulfilment.
The goal for Libra is to witness the importance of co-operation and harmony in human life. Libra is represented by a pair of scales - the only sign to be represented by an inanimate object. This says something about the Libra objective - to be fair and balanced in everything in a detached way - it is an air sign and therefore seeks an ideal. At its best, Libra can view complex situations, maybe emotionally highly charged ones, and come to a balanced view based on a fair consideration of all the options. However, it may take a while to come off the fence! Come down in favour of one side of the scales and the other side goes up and Libra always seeks to restore balance.

Traits of a Libra:
Desires popularity
Loves art
Neat
Dresses up for the occassion
Slight perfectionist
Narcisstic
Charitable
Bossy at times
Plans ahead
Attention to detail
Loves public service

Likes:
Beauty
Gifts
Debates
Attention
Intellectual conversations
Admiration
Credit cards
Mingling
Subtle colours, textures
Haute Coutoure

Dislikes:
Noise
Confusion
Sloppiness
Ugliness
Dirt
Pressured decisions
Being rushed
Criticism

This actually fits me very well. On the road, I hate having people push me or let me go first, I feel as if I am being rushed or am being pressured. I love to debate but I am unsure of myself when I'm debating with a class (the possiblity of being criticized). I hate it when there are fights and when I must choose a side. I've always been a peacemaker and a Switzerland when it comes to arguments. I try to please everyone, often at my own expence. I love it when people work together and are just plain old nice to eachother.

What are you wearing today?
A dress coat! lovelylovely.

What was the last thing you bought?
gas for my dad's car! money lay-day.

What's for dinner?
panera!

What is your favorite decade?
i love early 60's (not hippie time) and all the 50's, 40's, 30's. Racism, Sexism but so so glamourous, so so styled, they had things to fight for, they were polite, they were stronger than us now.

What are your "must haves" for fall?
skirts! dresses! Just because cold weather has rolled around doesnt mean you can only be warm/happy in sweats or pants. Stay feminine, stay true!

Are you a cat or dog person?
I'm more of a cat person. I love all animals, I love dogs! but I love how you have to work and build trust and love with a cat. I love how you get that bond thats more than just a "you feed me, you play with me so i love you" bond with a dog. Once a cat loves you, thats it, its sealed.

What is your favorite piece of clothing?
I love a good hat or scarf. Well placed, to compliment or to add a shock of color/pattern can make a fall or winter coat look amazing.

What do you do and what is your dream job?
NO JOB :D. Also: oxy moron? If I could, I'd be a student the rest of my life.

What do you consider a fashion faux pas?
too much cleavage/ cleavage at all. UGLY. leave something for the imagination ladies!

Describe your personal style.
conservative meets fiesty. I love vintage anything and everything. I'm trying to wear less pants. I tend to be very reserved with clothing, very professional. I like the look that I can wear for a job, for a night time outing, for a walk down 5th ave and with my friends and family. I attempt to stay away from up to date trends, but I always like to bring trends back. I used to be very adventurous with my hair styles and lengths but I'm leveling out with medium/shoulder length. I live for dresses and skirts and I try to always be classy and feminine but slightly messy.

What do you want to do when you grow up?
Something helpful to society. I would love to be a fashion designer but also part of the Environmental Protection Agency or even a high school teacher of English. (hopefully honors kids.)

:D

FASHION UPDATE.

What a lovely day! What a splendid day. School was alright, band was fun, but home is wonderful! My mother and I really leveled out and it all started because I asked her if my outfit matched (which it did, score!). Well she told me she had some Puca Shells, and it just took off from there. You see, tomorrow's outfit is basically fucshia and white and I needed a pop of color, which happens to be this real nice aqua. So we go on a mission to find these fucshia and aqua shells and it was like an hour of just delving into my mother's treasure jewlery box. We went through all kinds of things, braclets made of fake gold that my mother kept from her great aunt, hoop earrings she found on the street, even her little pin she had on her favorite childhood coat. The part that made me cry (inside) was when I found my mother and father's wedding bands. Background: In Russia, they don't really give out the gaudy diamond engagement ring like how they do in America, also my dad was not exactly rich. So I found this wooden box with H and C written together in a fancy script (think of the beginning letter of a fairy tale book). (H and C? H = N(atalie) and C = S(ergei), Russian letters, yo). So I open it up and there are these two simple gold bands and on the inside of my Dad's it says "Natalie, Leningrad (What Saint Petersburg was called during Communism), 14 X (X = Roman Numeral 10) 1990" and on the inside of my mother's it says "Sergei, Leningrad, 14 X 1990". I thought it was so sweet. My father didnt have enough money to splurge on humongous rings for the both of them but he did what he could and had a special box made for the rings and had them ingraved. I love my family. So then my mom offered me all kinds of rings and bracelets and I soooo wanted to take them but I felt bad, like my mom took her life collecting these things, mostly heirlooms, but then again she has passed that age where a lady can only wear diamonds. So. Maybe you will see new jewelry?

Who Are We To Love At All?


Today in american government, we (or rather, the class was talking, since I'm way too shy and self conscious to talk, also I am in the front of the class) were talking about Thomas Hobbes and John Locke and all this governmental stuff and the question was raised whether or not humans are good. The entire class sided with Hobbes, saying they were bad from birth. There were some feeble arguments that people were supposed to be good but then turned evil by mistake, but everyone was blown away when Deeney asked whether or not that person locked their doors at night to fend off any burglar. Hm. Call me crazy, but I think people, for the most part, are good, well maybe not all of them but they sure aren't ALL bad. Of course there are rotten people, the stealers, killers and of course you should be cautious and be prepared but you can't just say that everyone is bad. You have to keep some faith in humanity. I mean, it's like talking about the Death Penalty. It should be abolished for that 1% of people who may be innocent and wrongly accused. Too many times the wrong person has been put on the green mile when they are really not guilty. It's a very small chance that someone wrong is there but for the sake of that one person, that single person, that the Death Penalty should be ended (of course there are other reasons but thats my favorite one). It is for that reason too, the very small population of man-kind that is good, that we cannot call human kind all bad or all evil. What about the little people who do good deeds unnoticed and under thanked each day? The one person who helps the older lady across the street? The one teacher who teaches underprivilidged kids for scraps rather than a high paying job teaching brats? As long as there is one person out there helping, teaching, loving, making others laugh or just keeping the faith in humanity, you cannot call humanity bad. Sure, the others may overwhelmingly out number the good but hey, they can change. (I've had first hand experience that even "bad boys" are good guys in their beating hearts underneath their Ed Hardy shirts which pump blood to their spotless Nike clad feet, I've seen the help a simple smile does to someone, I know how great it feels for one unexpected compliment on a terrible day) In the words of Andrew Jackson Jihad "I have faith in my fellow man, and I only hope that he has faith in me" (SONG="PEOPLE").

Today I unexpectedly had a three hour nap. Seriously, I saw my cat laying down under my parent's covers and I just crawled up next to him and before I knew it we were both snoozin'. Cocoa let me use him as a pillow and everything. I'm repaying him by petting him as we speak. Also, stumbled on yearbook stuff while checking out my photography assignment (oh boy!). I have no idea what to write for my senior write ups. Something philisophical? Nah. Some lyrics, maybe. I just want to accidently find something and be like "WOW". hm, maybe I found it? Man, summer feels like a dream. A weird dream that gave me horrible jet-lag. My room, you ask? Man, don't even get me started. With band practice now three days a week along with weekends now kaput-ski, and of course unexpected naps I have had not a single second to even look in the mirror. SRSLY. I'm so sorry if you actually wanted to read that, maybe by Thanksgiving I can have it done. haaaaaaaaaah.
Hey, look at these pictures I just found! Maybe they will add some color to my page, hahaha. I do like the whole black and white thing though.

JUNE 2009.

Did you notice the drastic change that began on Thursday? I drove to Chipotle, and immediatly I knew something was up. Drivers were angrier, people were rude and disrespectfulf. The weather had turned chilly and all day it has rained. Summer time driving has left. Used to be, a person could cruise down the street, listening to good music, with the windows down and suddenly, it was too cold for all the way down windows, i couldn't find my CDs and I was being honked at to do an illegal right turn at a red light. What happened in those little hours? What happened to the warmth both in the weather and the in people?

On another note! I know you're wondering what school is like for me. You want to hear about Public Speaking? Well, alright! I have to do a monologe on Friday so I've been thinking of possible monologues to choose from. I was thinking maybe some sort of Sin City monologue and I could be looking out the window while I do it or maybe have my face in my hands or maybe wear some sort of hat, OR MAYBE SOMETHING WITH BLACK/WHITE/ONE COLOR. oh thats good. any suggestions? Maybe some Ray Bradbury: The Martian Chronicles? Maybe the ending of Psycho?
ANY IDEAS?

SENIORS '010. technically i can say that.
Uh, so fantastic school day today? No joke, this year will be great. Sadly, after walking from band to Photography, it felt as if summer never really happened. Crazy!
My room is yet again horribly messy and I didn't even finish cleaning it. Ay yi yi! Still have to move the desk and trunk and clothes rack.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BORING POST FOR SOMETHING COMPLETLY DIFFERENT:
My mom just demonstrated to me how our 7 year old black shorthair cat is afraid of Febreeze yet not afraid of my mom's hairspray. What a nut!

Okay back, so what am I doing now? NOTEBOOKS. So far I've decorated my planner and covered it in rippled tape for that oh-so homey look. It was actually very smooth tape but I needed to twist the tape around to get the bubbles and lines, I'm just used to it from my younger years of accidently getting the bumpy look. Now onto the 5 subject notebook. What to do? What to do? I'm definitly putting a design down and then maybe putting some pictures or pressed flowers or something down above it. This year, I'm going to make the best of it. I've already begun that in Marching Band with Bandana Day and Crazy Hat Day, must continue and hopefully pass it on down. I'd like that, maybe those crazy kids could keep something I stood for alive in PV, maybe being nice maybe being respectful maybe being fun while serious. But here I go tootin' my own horn. anyways. must get back to doodling and reading and finding out about my mom's camera!
good times ahead ... OR ELSE!

Leslie Howard. My favorite actor, a suavve, British amazing man.

Thought you'd appriciate the pictures, I wonder how he'd feel to know a New Jersey gal loves him, sixty six years after his death.

I'd advise you to check out his movies, The Scarlet Pimpernel, Pygmalion, Romeo and Juliet, Reserved for Ladies, Intermezzo, Of Human Bondage, ETCETCETC. oh lets have a Leslie Howard night!

Fun Tidbit: I wrote that last blog while I was "working". It was also susequently my last day of work.



and now for something completely different. I was on a cleaning and homework doing rampage yesterday and on my well deserved break I sped off into the dark summer night to Barnes and Nobels. If you spotted me and didn't say hello, you would have noticed that I was pacing back and forth between "Self Medication" and "Crafts". Why did i spend so much time here and there? Well A) the fashion section is under "Self Medication" why? and B) Where is the car section?



BUT I DIGRESS.



So I picked up a little pale pink book titled: "The Little Dictionary of Fashion" by Christian Dior. Its an amazing book dating back to 1954 and later re-printed in 2007. Absolutly fantastic! What a taste? Here you go!

"BLACK:

The most popular and the most convenient and the most elegant of all colors. And I say color on purpose, because black may be sometimes just as striking as a color. It is the most slimming of all colors and, unless you have a bad complexion, it is one of the most flattering. You can wear black at any time. You can wear it at any age. You may wear it for almost any occasion. A "little black frock" is essential to a woman's wardrobe. I could write a book about black ... "

so there you go! if you want advice on how to wear frocks, suits, coats, etc. from Christian Dior, go get a copy for yourself!



Also on my get list from B&N:

The Little Black Book of Style

This Is Not A Book!

Living Out Loud

hello readers! Listen, I haven't put you first. I haven't thought about you as readers. And for that I'm sorry! Other blogs have something they bring to the table. Maybe an artsy view on the world and art projects. Maybe pictures that make you think. Well I'm going to try to change my speed a little bit. My old plan of attack of writing about whatever I felt like, was afraid of, needed to get out is mundane, anyone can do that, but what do i bring to the blogging table? You see, right now I am cleaning out my room and reorganizing my room to basically make me a more organized person who loves fashion. Its going to be grand and whenever its complete, you simply must come over and i can give you a tour of my like 8 by 10 room hahahaha. no really, i will. this new blog will be about A) cleaning and re-arranging my room to be the perfect place to put outfits together (with pictures!!! woohoo) B) my style and all the ups and downs it goes through (avec picturesSsSsSs!) C) I will be teaching myself, learning from family, learning from books/internet on how to sew, alter, embroider, create etcetcetc. and i will tell you as well, cause thats what friends do! D) as a senior i MUST go on adventures, so i will document and share! plus of course there will be daily experiences/rants mixed in (i will be applying to college, so of course that will be in there and i'll try to help out any nervous high school student, if i can help them a little bit, maybe give them something i wish i knew, then everything will be dandy!). It will be fun with this new blog! It will be like we are really good friends, only we dont really see eachother and we hangout over the internet....anyway. SO! about this room of mine ....

so whats so great about my room that i'm telling you about it? well first off, a little history. ("great, this is going to be long") alright, so my room is a little on the small side, and i happen to be a very unorganized person so i'm really gung-ho on changing a new leaf with my senior year and yaddayaddayadda. i have a lot of clothes, some i dont wear (OUTOUTOUT!) but most i love and love to wear. so whats the new plans? okay, currently i have a desk, a bookcase, a chest of drawers, a bed, a trunk, a night stand, a small closet, curtains for a door, a showcase and a full length mirror. desk is out. book case is organized like a built in bookcase, including sweet knick-knacks and books/CDS/videogames i cherish. showcase is filled with useless figurines and cat statues, OUT! In goes two of my favorite hats on level 1, level 2 gets jewlery that i love (so now you know where to look when you ransack my house), 3 gets perfume and 4 gets ...well thats still debatable. in the two drawers under the glass showcase, it is separated into "costume jewlery that i wear" and "costume jewlery that i might wear". on top of my chest of drawers is my TV, cable box, PS2 and a really cool black cat porcelien statue with yellow eyes that looks like my kittycat, COCOA ANDHEARTS. my bed, this is where i need your help, oh faithful reader(s), i have a dark tan colored room and wood/white furniture. what color bedspread?! i'm thinking something simple. something white and something striped. y/n? lets see. my night stand has an iHome on it, a lamp, a makeup mirror and water bottles since i LOVE WATER. there are two drawers and the top one is for hair supplies and the bottom one is for make up/nailpolish/CHAPSTICK (jasco's most important meal of the day ;D ). then we have the trunk filled with purses and under that is backpacks. ontop of that will be my lamb skin rug (i bought it when i was like 7, i didnt really know what it was, all i liked was that it was fuzzy) then the PIECE DE RESISTANCE!!!!! okay, so you know in like store dressing rooms you put the clothes you dont want on this metal hanging thing that holds things and shows them off? well most of my clothes will go in the closet, the chest of drawers or the bins under my bed but the ones which i LOVE will go on this rack. trust me, its going to be GREAT! not only will it showcase my fave. clothes but it will also serve as a room-divider. oh man, i can't wait. too bad i'm a procrastinator.

so for all of you who read all of that, high five! and for those of you who skipped, well you missed out. anyway. this should end. NOW.

whats a good way to end summer? how about a nice suntan from the beach? too ordinary? what about a nice mani/pedi? too boring? well i'm doing neither! what am i ending summer looking like? well imagine a nice scabby gash on my upper lip and the classic smell of skunk. yes. oh yes. thats right ladies and gentlemen of the jury. this look is a new one for me and i think i'm working it. that dry scab that makes me look deformed and that OH SO pleasant odor of eau de skunk. how did i come about these beauty accessories? well one was from a nice little fall in my room when i landed on my lip (and cried for about forever) and the other was from a nice little SCARY outing with two friends. close your eyes, imagine a dark allyway with bushes and shrubs, imagine the HORRIFYING rustling sound of a nervous skunk, imagine us SCREAMING and running for our lives, thinking its something deadly. oh yes and to our surprise, when we reached the safety of the car, the air was chokingly filled with smells of rotten garlic (real wierd), sharpies and all other things to make you sick. we were dry-heaving all the way home. it was hilarious and scary and really wierd. so lesson learned, BE CAREFUL during your last few days of summer, because if you don't you'll be sporting strange facial cuts and a disgusting smell like me. :D

nothing else is new. might be getting a car? school shopping no where near done? REALLY NEED MORE SUMMER TIME? YESYESYES.

so i saw inglourious basterds. if anyone wants to see it again or for the first time, i will go along with you. its real amazing. SO.
band camp is over, russia is over, summer is over. i have nothing to write about. i just feel like driving somewhere. at points i feel like i'm too young to be a senior and at times i feel like i'm too old to be in high school. (3 people already asked me where i was going to college). i want to run away and travel and see the world and sometimes i want to stay home and watch movies.
on another level, my legs are nice and strong from marching and moving around. horrah! didnt really get a crazy tan from band camp though :/. so what should i talk about guys? i really have no idea! i saw my friends whilst driving yesterday! they called my name at a stop light! got some good movies such as Sin City and Pulp Fiction that i'll be watching asap! i think i'll go grab some coffee now. maybe you should text me and we can do stuff???

woahwoahwoahwoah. i stupidly found my two yearbooks from PV about 5 minutes ago and stupidly put on my SLEEP playlist with sad and slow songs on it. the combination did not make me sleep. damn. i'm going to be a senior, and though for the past year and a half i've been dreaming of this, saying things like I WISH IT WAS OVER ALREADY, i find that now it is upon us! - it being senior year, the "real world" as they say, and all things scary and new. - i thought i'd be excited, happy and willing to just step right into this new feeling of big man on campus and top of the totem pole but here i am, nervous and a little bit sick. it was just the end of school, i found a letter i wrote to myself way back in the middle of junior year telling me how happy i am its almost over and if it is already over to be happy still. not the case. i was just in Russia, OVER. i just began my internship, OVER. my kitchen was still old and gloomy, OVER. now i am about to be in band camp all next week, then school shopping and then soon applying for the next 4 years of my life. some friends will be freshman again, some will be sophomores again! NUTS! this is crazy. i saw my friends in this thick, green and white book and i saw their captions of "KEEP IT REAL PV" and "THANX MOM&DAD&BRO&SIS" and i saw their pictures from their high school parties and their crazy, fun times. and here i am. my senior pictures are already done, my captions are mostly done, now i have so much to do for college and time does not seem to stop or slow or even linger. summer is over, soon high school will be over, then college and then what? TWO YEARS ITS BEEN SINCE I WAS IN CHEMISTRY CLASS. and the laughs are still playing back like it was the same day. and the deep gash the boy i really fell for is still trying to be stiched up. and i am here. in the "present", that thin thin thin skinny line between PAST and FUTURE. 11:36 is in the past now. yep. jeez. how will it be when i'm 76. then my whole life will be behind me, unless there is some sort of elixer of life serum which is invented. but who wants to live forever anyway. i am controdicting myself? GEE, i dont even know what to say. i want to enjoy life and i want to be able to take a look around and be happy. and i dont want so much work that i cant be happy. its like those MAN MAN lyrics. "i just can't remember, january, straight through december." it just seems too fast. i don't feel like i think i should feel going into senior year. i mean i'm going to have to sit through sex ed, i am so immature! i dont want to face the day my cat is too old, i am not grown up to handle that. i've never gone to a funeral for my own family yet! i cant handle things, im just a kid. i cant even seem to consistantly use " ' " where it needs to be.

dear little sister i never had "Jasco",

Russia - actually the World - awaits you.



(some of the pictures are out of order but

each one has a description at the bottom)





A look from the top of Saint Isaac's Cathedral. The city is huge and spans as far as you can see.

Another look from the top. They are constantly building and re-building, hence the cranes.

One of the many boys my mom tried to set me up with. My face says it all.

A church service. The walls are of marble and gold leaf. This is taken from the very back, many people came to pray.

Most "traditional" restuarants have a stuffed bear to please and impress the tourists. Of course I needed a picture, since I was a tourist.

There are many streets and many people in Saint Petersburg, yet you can count on a nice park or trail to be near-by.

On our way to the Hermitage Museum. The streets are lined with vendors and ancient architecture.

Some Russian graffiti. it says: "I love you".

Walking the streets. It seems far but the sights along the way make it lovely.

Saint Isaac's Cathedral - a look from the street. A typical beautiful, busy day.


love, big sister you never had "Katherine"