my favorite part of the environment is the sky. (michelle, stop reading now hahaha)
if you look at it, now even, it will never be the same. the sunlight is always beautiful. the moonlight is always beautiful. sunset is always vibrant and shocking and deep and raw while sunrise (suntime?) is sweet and light and cute and vibrant and calm. i love the colors in the sky. i love that its your very own picture and i love it when there are clouds and when there are no clouds. i love that when it is dark, there are still clouds and there are stars. i love cloudless nights where the moon is just a white circle. i love that when you are outside at night, its cool and peaceful and its very silent. i loved that in Ukraine, on top of a hill, it seems so fitting that a sky so amazing meets an amazing land. i do also like that here in the states, the sky that makes you want to sit back and look fits with the world around us that makes you gogogo. i love that there is one moon and one sun and we see them and other people see them. i love it that its been that way since forever. this is the moon that natalie wood in west side story wished would be bright. this is the sun that pagan people worshipped. the rain that beats our faces was in the amazon and was on james dean's face.

i love it that we all see these things and sometimes we forget and take it for granted.

i have so many emotions now but i cant remember them all until a little bit later.
things to talk about:
kids sleeping on the opgrad bus going home, not creeperish but full of memories.
graduation, i was a senior?
opgrad, did i make enough memories? was there something i didnt get out of it?
the drive after opgrad, i am going to be okay.
how i feel old but actually am just beginning my life, also in the plural sense.
how a day can feel like a year, breakfast, getting ready, family party, graduation, diner, the drive to opgrad, opgrad, the fortune teller, the drive home from opgrad, driving around after, trying to watch ferris bueller, sleeping, waking up at 3:39, and this post.
leaving PV forever, going to test out whether or not the hallways are smaller when i return for my gym clothes (i can still do that right?).

there is so much going on and im trying to take it all in without being overwhelmed but WOW. this is A LOT.

well. without being too dramatic i will go over what has been happening.
mrs. vasa, you are too quick! i deleted my last post about this subject but its back, basically.

okay. well.
i might not be going to alabama.
and by might not i mean that there is a real good chance.

why? oh money. why now? i thought everything was set and then the financial aid came in and it was like nothing, litterally. and so we waited a bit and my dad lost his job as like a biologist guy and then we sent in an income reduction form and yesterday morning they said we couldn't get anything else.

i dont think ive ever cried so much and it was hard to focus on my final after the news and it ruined my day and today seems a bit better. my friends were absolutly fantastic and invited me over and we all sat and talked and made plans for the future and im still pretty shaken up but my friends are the best in the world.

im pretty scared for the future. i will be sitting on white foldy chairs alongside all these kids who know where they are going and if they dont/are not going anywhere, they know what they'll do. i dont know if im going to college in NJ or college at all, and thats pretty rough to type.
BREAK: this is all very moany and moapy, but this is my blog. ahhaha
UNBREAK: im the kind of person who likes stability. im the kind of person who likes family tradition, so alabama was perfect. i used to be so against it but the moment i knew i wanted to go there was in NYC at the alabama alumni christmas party and my family was there and we were talking to the alumnis and this one man, a president of some corporation and the alumni club, was talking to me and told me "see this pin (a little A for alabama), i've had this pin for years and i wear it to all the games. i want you to have it" and he just popped it off and gave it to me. i so badly wanted to go there. i still want to go there. but if i do go there, my parents will be in debt. and that is not good.

im going to try to have a good day. its my last as being something/somewhere and stable.
great, im crying again.

Moon River and Me

I am very intent on making this a good summer. So if I am not (in the future) I will return to this page and make sure I change my ways.
Jasco, as well as everyone else, I had a wonderful time tonight and I hope we do this repeatedly throughout the summer. EVEN PAST 11 O'CLOCK.
I would like some things to change while others to remain the same.
CHANGES: I would like, and I don't care who knows it, to kiss a boy for the first time. but I'm just going to let things run their course and not strain anything. I would also like to lose weight. I would like to make even more friends. I would like to learn to accept people as imperfect and I want to completely understand them even if they chose not to refrain from things as I do. I do not want to be dissapointed in people. Unless its something big.
SAMESIES: my current bestest friends! ...well, really, everything. its the changes that are worth noting.

I would also like to get a nice tan and buy some nice clothes and learn to be on my own. for this i might need to venture to NYC and try to rough it. aka, go there for a day and make it home alive on my own. I would like to visit all the museums i can! I would also like to see shows! Gogol Bordello! Cat Empire! Others! I would also like to see some plays! Perhaps I will get a tattoo. perhaps and if the parents are okay with it. I would like to leave NJ with a smile and an open mind. I want everyone to be happy. I want to make everyone happy.

"You actually have the potential to change the world ... In all seriousness, I know for a fact that you will be the most successful of all PV grads and I wish you good luck in achieving it."

Someone I was simply aquaintences with wrote that. We grew up together but we never hung out and really, we never have that many classes together. After I read it, I couldn't speak. Whether he actually meant it or not is debatable but don't rain on my parade, I couldn't care less right now. This really touched me and really, litterally knocked the breath out of me. I just sat there and read it over and over and tried to think what was happening. I can't believe that someone thinks so highly of me.

I cried today in english. We were watching The Lion King and it was the sad part where the Dad dies and Simba lays next to him. I couldnt help it. It was all the emotion of having it be the last day of school, of PV, of our childhood. I mean, sure Ill still be all crazy and childish but I mean, I'm a college student soon. for real. As I was watching the movie, I realized that it came out when we were 5 or so, when our travels in the public school had just begun. How its been years of school and you can't eat your pudding if you don't eat your meat and all this stuff that we've been complaining about for the past 12 years. I grew up around some people and then I met new people and grew up with them and then its done. We're not dying but it seems so final. Anyway, back to me crying. I couldnt hold back the tears and my eyes just filled up and I made a joke "I'm tearing up!" and people laughed so I didnt feel so silly but when my hands could no longer hide and slide away the tears, I made another joke without looking up "I'm just going to non-chalantly reach for my hankerchief!" and then more people caught on and I looked up, tears beginning to flow over my eyelids and just laughed. "AW/OH KATHERINE!".

As I left school I thanked Dr. Jorganow and Mr. Wallace and got on my bus. For the not SEN10RS out there: take it slow. take it easy. time moves fast enough. enjoy it.
and for the SEN10RS out there: no matter how many miles away you are, you are my best family so far.

no matter what i do. people keep letting me down.
i don't know how to stop this.

i keep having this bad dream where i wake up and it just really bothers me for the rest of the day.

its somewhere distant, in a dry and sort of dusty area. and you just know you're basically all alone. far off the one road, with only the people you came with, in this case and in every case - a boy another girl and an older lady aka the bitch. it always begins in the same room - the one right across the hall from the staircase. and though i never leave that room, i know whats outside that door. long hallways to both sides, a dark and termite-y wooded floor and walls, a dusty chandeleir. a fixer-upper's dream. a dream for those who love vintage. but this house is different. there are secret passages and dusty corners and dim lighting but its daylight so everything seems fine - nothing can go wrong with the sun out. so we are all in that one room, nice and open with many windows. and everyone is scattered in the room and chatting when there is a bang outside the walls of that room. (my hearts starts to beat harder) i am in the corner closest to the hallway, while everyone else is just hanging out on the other side of the room. i'm fixing some floppy wallpaper or like electricity circuit board or something. weird. so we look at eachother and laugh it off and then there is more. and more. and more. until there are two loud bangs right. exactly. where. i. am. working. (i start to breath hard) i jump. the bitch then realizes something is missing from her bag and she wants me to go outside of the room to fetch it for her. and i'm like WHY ME???? NOO! (sweating, rapid beating and sporatic breaths) i can imagine the trip to the car. out the door, down the creaky stairs, out the door, SLAM, windy dusty from lawn, up a dirt walkway and there is the car - a beat up green honda. i look back at the house, it looks scary. but i cant leave the room for fear of whats outside, waiting for me.
oh goodness. and for the rest of the day i am afraid to look in mirrors and open doors too quickly and to turn corners. i still am scared. and i dont want to drive home all alone tonight!!!!
eeek!

hey its been a year since i've been on here! congrats! horray!
okay now back to work.

did you notice that i am blogging more often?

i just found this great picture of me as maybe like a 3 year old? it really says a lot.

and yes, this is a picture of a picture.

its feeling like summer again. doing absolutly nothing while doing so much was so much fun yesterday. we must have wasted so much gas but nothing compares to listening to loud music and daydreaming and the wind whipping your hair into your face so hard that you almost want to close the windows ... almost. what a beautiful time i will have this summer! cannot wait for the last of my friends to return home - JULIEANNE. - :D and then it will be complete and we can stumble upon inside jokes and i can be exposed to good music and we can all laugh at how i cannot speak english. also: garage sales / antique shops with friends. DA BOMB.

got a masonic scholarship and tomorrow is senior awards so that makes at least three scholarships. crazy! last band concert was great. idk what it sounded like but i had a blast with my flutes and my other friends from other instrument sections. we played tull at the end. i wasnt even in tull! ahahaha. lets see. OH THE ART SHOW. (hi mrs. vasa!) oh god. no lie, i havent had so much fun for a school thing ever! i mean, i was working! but after, i was so happy to go up to strangers and friends and ask them to write a secret in my book. i love going out on a limb for a laugh. i love talking to people. and i love the secrets in the book. some people were like "oh i dont like the stupid stuff in there. the joke ones" - like, that's people! there will always be wiseguys! and whos to say someone was joking? i love the mix of real secrets and CRITIQUES BY PEOPLE I DONT KNOW and the jokes and the cutesy secrets. i couldnt have asked for more! i had a great time hanging out with people i havent seen in a while and enjoyed explaining things. i love people.

hmmm. summer is basically here - it sure feels like it! its kind of wierd that school is almost over. i sure love summer but its going to be wierd. hm, yes. i began a post about cats - it will come out soon i guess. who knows anymore. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D im going to go daydream. (night dream? just dream?)

On Cats . . .

If any of you have a snoozing cat, i would mosey on over there to just take a gander and a short(which turns into a long) belly rub.

INFO: Cocoa is our almost 9 year old male black cat. he's about 17 pounds, likes his fancy feast and is afraid of anyone but myself, my mom and my dad. he is sweet and easily purrs and runs around after he uses the litter box. we can't get him to like wearing a collar and he likes to eat ham every so often. I LOVE HIM. we picked him up on Saturday, September 29th 2001 in Petco when they did their weekly ASPCA cat shelter right by the registers. every week my father and i would go and look for the cats and i picked cocoa (originally "Simba") because i was afraid no one would pick him because of his black fur coat (bad luck?). Him, his brother and his mother were found in an abandoned paint shop in paterson so we paid the 50 bucks and brought him home. well, several years, too many emergency visits to the animal hospital and thousands of toy mice later ... he is sleeping on his side infront of the window.

Let me paint you a picture. The windows are dripping with the sudden and pounding rain that had stopped not too long ago. There is a make-shift - and unintentional - cat perch made out of plastic clothes bins and an old blanket, this spot was not supposed to be like this but it stuck once Cocoa repeatedly went back (you see its on the 2nd floor and cocoa likes to look at "his territory" from above). Cocoa is lounging, with his eyes 1/4th open making sure everyone is still there, he is streched out and looking comfy.

I am biased and Im telling you how I think it is. Cats are wonderful. and if you dont think so, well, too bad! Just laying there, cocoa looks like he could do a lot of damage. he is mostly muscle and yes he has a pouch of giggly fat on his belly but he has a slight waist and that is good. He can run and enjoys sticking his claws into carpets and sofas and the stack of water bottles by our door. he is a very very small tiger but he has more brains, im sure! domestic cats are amazing creatures. they can still climb the trees and need grass and watch birds and pretend to hunt but they know that we (the family) are part of the pack and they dont kill us in our sleep. its amazing because they trust us. so many times, as im rubbing Cocoa's belly he willingly goes on his back and gives me access to his jugular and his weak underbelly. this would never happen in the wild! the act of cleaning themselves infront of us shows that their guard is down and that they are taking a much needed cat bath. and when my cat and i play fight or when i bother him - i have to sometimes! - he will hiss and show his fangs and will clench my arm in his claws and will place his sharp teeth around my hand and will look up at me like "uh, yeah, i could totally make you cry...do you SEE my teeth? they are already in place! my claws and willing to just slip down your arm .... remember when i was a kitten and would do this to you? REMEMBER? ... yeah i knew you would stop bothering me. oh, i love you." - thats exactly what happens. he stops himself when he could just tear up my arm. i still have scars from all his attacks when he was smaller but then he stopped and i guess its cause he knows that im not endangering him, just playing the good old fashioned im-going-to-see-how-long-until-he-fights-back-after-i-touch-his-paws game.

big, flashy, my-dress-is-better-than-yours events are not my scene. and yes i am talking about prom.*




*thank goodness i had my friends there!

people keep asking me what i want to do with my life.
and each time i say that i dont know.
the truth is, there are too many ways my life can go.
there is so much i want to do and see and experience that saying one thing would not do my dreams justice.
also, i dont want to put myself out there fully, like i dont want to have people expecting something out of me when, in the end, i might not complete it.
i think i could be happy anywhere, as long as i have good people around me.
the past 18 years have been great, and ill always love new jersey.
and now the next 4 years (hopefully it will be 4 years) will be in the south, enjoying each moment.
and then, after that maybe like 2 years in russia - studying music and church like my parents did
and then maybe getting my masters (for what, who knows) in new york city
and then after that anywhere.
and through all this time id love to stay on the west coast and travelling through a few countries when time allows.

the only problem: money, but when isnt that a problem? too much is bad for you and too little is bad for you. dont lets talk about it (as they say in some books/movies, it sounds weird but i like it!)

ill say it again, i want to do as much as i can and look back and be happy. i want to make as many friends as possible and see as many things as possible and yes, this is what everyone says. WELL I MEAN IT. im going to lug my sunglass collection and cover my fingers in rings and ill do this. ill keep you posted on how its going. actually you want to know why i want this? for my posterity (SAT word? :D) i want to fill road trip silence with my husband and lull my children to sleep and bake cookies with the grandchildren with my stories. i want pictures and missed kodak moments so that, like i did today, my following generations will make poloroid transfers with my slides and then pass down little anecdotes and be like "that katherine was a silly girl. she must have had a good life." and i want to be on my death bed content and smiling.

p.s. i got my prom dress. now you can rest easy.

i want to get tattooed! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

only two max. and not in obvious places. and soon!

i feel so rebellious!

Katherine the Savage

on today's agenda, aka 'so i dont forget', we will speak about

1. my family and my religion and my time in ukraine
2. hybrids

okay, family. i got this. religion, i got this.
so for the past 4 days or so, i spent a lot of time with my family. not my american family that lives, at most, like 40 minutes away, this was the family i havent seen in months/years/ever. actually, most of the people i have never met before were not really family but they heard about my birth and ever since they have been praying for me and thinking/asking about me. i love them, they might as well be family. so i guess we'll start where all good stories begin, at the beginning. this will be hard.

its funny how things happen so fast. and its funny how so many things happen at the same time. do you ever wake up in the morning and think "okay, someone, somewhere is dying right now and someone somewhere is being born and someone somewhere is on a vacation and someone somewhere is crying"? i do that all the time. well, after many years of vacations and good fortune, my turn came. saturday, may 8th, my dedushka (grandfather) died in ukraine. it was planned to be a lazy saturday including a slow shower and possible shopping. at 1, the phone rang and we (my mom and I) didn't know who was on the caller id so we let it go to message. after listening to the message, which sounded funny and like my aunt not to mention: in russian, i called my mom and we listened to it together. my dedushka had passed away moments earlier. my mom called my dad, who was out, which was a terrible thing to do, having to repeat that his father had died because the only words he could stutter were "what???". we were on a plane that same night. its difficult to write this but i want to remember as much as i can and i want to get it out. ukrainian and russian and i guess all eastern european funerals are nothing like here. here, we build up death as sort of an outcast. we dont see it as part of life, as part of a circle. we have funeral homes and wakes and big lavish dinners. there, it was shocking. when i arrived to my grandparent's (now, my babushka's) home (a cute little 3 room apartment owned by a monastary/seminary that does not have a bathroom or running water (my babushka loves it, its a 1 minute walk to the monastary and only across the street from a park and stores and supermarkets and everything) my grandfather was lying on some wooden boards in clothes that he picked out, two religious shrouds, icons, crosses and superstitious items (blessed flowers, a covered up mirror, a glass of water with bread so the soul can eat, old world myths that all ). His coffin was finished but its some tradition to wait until the day of the burial. there were two seminarian guys who were reading 24/7 (litterally) and there was bustle in the kitchen. My babushka was being very brave and stolid and told us not to worry and feel sad. We stayed there as long as possible with people and family members. All had memories of me and of dedushka and it was really nice, even if I couldn't understand a word they were saying. It was all in their eyes. We returned to our hotel, which was in the monastary. Side Note: the monastary is wonderful. its not glum and dark like in all the movies, at least not Russian Orthodox ones. The cupolas are gold leaf and there are magnificent stained glass windows and even a little chapel made out of it and there is a church donated to the land from Tsar Nicholas II. And this is where, and Michelle knows about my dilemma with this, this is the place where the sky finally matches the landscape. She calls me crazy but here the beautiful sky does not fit in with the malls and nail salons and quick cheks.The insides are breath-taking. every scene from the bible, the creed in navy blue and gold wrapping the church and there are even relics of saints. its always packed and the men's choir was fantastic. the time we were there, it was the last day before ascention which is when Jesus goes back up into heaven 40 days after He has risen so the men's choir was singing all my favorite songs because Easter is my favorite time of year. I cried several times. everyone was really nice. there are rough male guards in army get-up there that are strict and we had to buy fake skirts to put over our pants after the plane ride but after we saw the guards (the one with beautiful blue eyes especially) a few times, they/he remembered us and it was good to have someone see you and nod in another country (thats not a family member). So the next day was my grandfather's funeral. it was extremely bittersweet. so many family members had come together in such short notice. My aunt and cousins and my babushka's sisters were all there and while we were laughing and talking, we remembered that we came together for a totally different reason. The funeral was nice. we said our goodbyes and it was beautiful. first my babushka stepped up, she who had been so calm broke down and hugged my dedushka for the last time. then my aunt and father went up. my dad asked for my dedushka's forgiveness and kissed him goodbye. my aunt fixed his hair and was not embaressed to sob. then as if the entire group knew, they all waited for the grandchildren. Yulka, the first born, bold and fire-y, Gleb, the only boy, quiet and passive and myself, the youngest. we each had our place - no one competed. then, my mother and the rest of the mourners. my dedushka was carried by foot by 6 seminarians, a priest lead the way along with a small male choir and then we all followed. we were quiet and listened to the choir and stopped along the way to hear the Gospel read and something amazing happened. something that I had only heard about. we litterally walked in the streets and the cars that needed to use that road infront or behind us all stopped. they turned off their engines and some even got out and blessed themselves. cyclists stopped and took off their hats. children stopped playing and ran to watch us. they all stopped and looked at the ground and when we had passed they all resumed what they were doing. but for those moments they grieved too. it was heart wrenching. i threw some dirt on my grandfather's grave like we were supposed to and walked back with Gleb - who I most relate to (we're both really content being quiet and peaceful and we both let Yulka do all the talking, we like to listen) - to the house and then we all laughed over the crazy day. I can't believe my dedushka is dead. and that is what is so sad. so many things i should have said to him. so many times i should have seen him. but we lived on different continents. my entire family is scattered. USA, Canada, Russia, Ukraine, and then who knows where all the others live! the next day we ate and shopped and visited my dedushka and best of all, went to church. we even ran into one of the singers of the choir (the who looked like a cat with his moustache and scars) who came up to us and was like "Christ is Risen" (which is what you say for 40 days after easter as a hello/goodbye). i liked him. and the day after that the goodbyes were tough. i miss my family so much, i felt so much love there. not that i dont feel it here, but i've been here so long and around the same family that i often forget that i have so much out of the states, and when i see them, its the love of people trying to fit in many memories. my cousins made me laugh and made me feel better when they saw i had been crying. i held onto my babushka like i would never see her again. because i didnt know when i would. she told me i was a good girl. i wish i stayed longer, but i was too afraid that i had too many absences only to find that it was all excused. i was so worried. the time in ukraine had stopped. it was like i never left ukraine, those 6 years before. it was like i hadn't just been there 3 days but my entire life. i had experienced so many emotions that everything was a dream. and when we were driving back to home, it was like i was never in the ukraine. it was like nothing happened even though so much had happened. i cried as i walked back through the monastary gates as i realized that i would not be spending the day here tomorrow. its funny. the first night i spent in ukraine, when i was like ... 12ish, i cried the entire night. i was touring my grandparents garden in the night (who knows, they were proud of it and i couldnt say no) and i cried because i hated it so much. i wanted to go home so badly. this time, the last night i was there, as i walked on the cobble stone and past the beggers and past the gaurds i cried. i cried because i wanted to stay. i had a terrible reason for being there but i never wanted to leave.


which segways into my next point, i am homeless. a hybrid of two worlds. poetic, i know. i dont know where i want to live for my life. and now that im moving down south to try it out down there, i may be adding another on my list. after that, id love to be in russia studying music and then after that i want to do my masters in new york city. but id love to live over on the west coast, specifically oregon or washington, somewhere green.


so yes, i hope this mess of a blog makes up for the like ... weeks since i posted.

today i realized that i am free of a ball and chain that was dragging me down for the past year (years?).

sorry for the mysteriousnessisity. :D

i was asked what i will miss the most about Jersey.

I will miss the fashion freedom. being so close to nyc, anything goes around here. we've got the fashion capital right around the corner and that really lets those who wear what they like to be able to mix patterns and try all kinds of lengths and wear crazy shoes. im a bit worried that ill be looked at to be sort of different but the different that really burns bridges not the kind that makes you interesting.

oh well. i guess ill have be a trend setter. OH LA LA.

i met my room-mate. i have a dorm room (1409, the highest you can go, yikes! also kind of excited for the view!) my family is looking into taking the train down to alabama, isnt that fantastic? I CANNOT WAIT. i've begun buying things and looking out for things for college. its all really happening, isnt it? there is still so much to do for school. i am so ready to leave. some teachers i will miss, a lot of friends i will miss, but most of all i'll miss the comfort and stability. but i will become comfortable and stable in alabama after some time too. i'm nervous about the day after my family leaves me in bama - so much to do! i'll be rushing so i'm sure to meet many girls that way. still debating the million dollar band, i want to! i want to rest from marching band! ay! i can't wait for "bama bound" to set up classes - i'll want to deff take math asap so i can get it over with and then take some english classes and then photography or music classes. i'd like to sort of balance it so all my least favorites are the first to be done with (but not at the same time, that would kill me!) and then its easy riding from then on out! i finally got my calvin klein sunglasses with the flash drive in them, being "nerdy" never looked so good. ahhahaha, just kidding. i have to go to the cemetary today for a sociology assignment. at least i'll be with noel, we will visit her grandparents and uncle. lets see what else?: so much more list making to do! goodbye for now!

it seems as if everything is falling into place. and i don't want to speak too soon or jinx anything but everything is sailing smoothly! this is a nice feeling. not everything has really sunk in though, i can't wait until it finally does!

the only thing that is making me uneasy is the fact that we are all leaving. "we" being my friends. for example, while chatting with my best friend, i suddenly realized "..wait, we're not going to the same school..." and that kind of stopped us in our tracks. we both started spouting nonsense like "lets not talk about that". oh boy. but its good, i want her and all my senior friends to go away and grow up as i want to go away and grow up. the wierd thing is that all the adults i know all say that they arent friends with their high school friends anymore. i mean, granted, they didnt have facebook or twitter or cell phone usage until later in life. thats a wierd thought.

love cats.
today i had so much great times just driving around at like ... dusk time.
and now i downloaded a good The Cure song, my favorite?!
and i love not knowing when i will be hanging out with friends later, no really i do! i love getting that call thats like "LETS HANG OUT IN 20 MINUTES!"
i got my real license today! and apart from my cool and happy attitude being stepped on (what is so great about being professional?1?!? also the hours = HORRENDOUS), i had a blast! (cool picture!)
also, tomorrow i get to hangout with the little sister i never had (hi there, if you're reading this!) cant wait to promenade around the towns with her! looking fly and breaking hearts...or something like that!

woohoo! i love love love the beginnings of weekends!