10.12.2009

I will be returning to Russia on October 21.
I will return from Russia on October 29.
This is wonderful and frightening.

Have you ever had great expectations for someone? Lets have an example.
Say you are a teenage girl who hears all kinds of escapades of her male friends. You hear all about the girls who are hot and the girls who do things with boys and you hear all about how the boy wants stuff from more than one girl, yes? And some boys you just expect this from. You've known them for a long time and all you can say is "Oh. ____, you crazy boy. you heart breaker." I mean, double standards people! But then there are other boys who you have also known for a long time. And they are quieter and more reserved and you think "This boy is nothing like ____, he is gentle and would never demand anything like ____ does!". And then you hear how the shy boy has gotten stuff from girls and you think "WHAT?". Whats different? Why the double standard? I mean, boy #2 is nothing special, and you have never liked him like that, but still, its weird. I guess I built up Boy #2, more than Boy #1 who has been stealing and crushing hearts since the 7th grade. Boy #2 was better than that. What made Boy #2 different was that he was okay with not having a girl do things to him. He wasn't like Boy #1 or any of the other mindless boys. And here you are hearing scandelous stories of him. My point? Expectations. Do we all build up these larger than life imaginations of people only to see them crumble? I've done it. I'm the worst at it. Another example: My Idol. She was the big sister I've never had. She was everything I've ever wanted to be, witty, sly, fashionable, collected, fabulous, well liked, respected, funny, different, crazy, lovely. I've never met a more wonderful person. I was a freshman and she seemed too old for high school. Too cool. She was best friends with another girl who I considered a beautiful role model. For two years I looked up to these girls. They were the reason for fencing, for playing the flute the best I could. Then, one horrible day, my Idol, the older one, the one so dear, let slip a bad habit. It killed me, I cried, she cried. It wasn't her fault, I wasn't crying solely for the fact of that slip-up. It was the death of her innocence I connected to. I cried for the fact that people were not as good as I thought them to be. I cried because it was true. I cried because she was not as holy, as sacred, as pure as I was modelling myself after. I still hold her dear in my heart but it can never be as it was before. Its as if I've grown to understand not to idolize her as I did.
You see, thats my downfall. Great Expectations. They are only human, subject to whims and stupidities and falls from grace. At times I feel like the Catcher in the Rye. I feel as if kids are growing up faster than they should. I'm only 17 years old for another few days. I'm so old fashioned in my beliefs. Often I wonder who is right.

1 comment:

  1. I know I probably shouldn't write back to this, but I feel I should.

    I understand your viewpoint completely. I feel the same way about growing up and keeping pure, and it's hard at times because some people do things that you don't want to do. It's like, not to sound stuck-up, but everyone is on the same pedestal in childhood and slowly the pillars fall down until you're the only one left. And then you feel wrong. And referring to the last part of what you said, there is no "right" in these situations, but you are definitely NOT wrong. You keep strong to your principles and that's great. And I hate to see you become disappointed when your expectations don't match up with reality. But take pride in what you're doing (or not doing).

    We always want to try to model ourselves after someone, do what works for them. You can be the best parts of your friends, though. We are all different people for a reason. I may be stating the obvious, but you are not merely a version of the person you are trying to emulate. You are unique. There are subtleties in you and strong points in you that others do not have. However, don't be ashamed to recognize the desires in yourself that make you human.

    I know it's hard to accept, but people's vices are a separate entity from who they are. Some habits have been known to make people reliant or absent minded, but they rarely ever make people become malicious or worse people than they were.

    Finally, I do not advise you to become desensitized to your friends doing things, but try to venture into why they're doing them. People don't always have a reason, but sometimes it gives you a better understanding of someone you love and their pains that they may not express. Also, take things people say with a grain of salt.

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