Homeward Bound

anyone remember that classic? loved the cat, so sassy!

tomorrow i go to the train station and chugga chugga WOO WOO my way home.

i am super excited and super nervous and all around antsy slash jittery.
i have made so many plans, no actual dates and times but i cant wait. i hope everything
goes as planned and its smooth sailing - training? - and peaceful and relaxing and fun!



studying for finals means that i have been consuming large black coffees basically daily. i am not feeling the effects. i never drink coffee more than the occasional mocha frappachino. does that even have coffee in it? well, i feel it! i am being very productive, though i will be tired tomorrow morning. hm. todo: pack. clean. shower. test. go home. (not in that order) (maybe).

uhmuhmuhm. woah. okay just wanted to say that. also:
my friends are starting to leave and a lot of people are transferring! whats up with that!?


i am transformed.
my first college final and my favorite class are finished.
i feel so bittersweet about it. i know, i know, you've heard this all before.
i guess i never really got over my fear of major change. i am excited about going home and beginning another semester but this class was fantastic. i really loved it. our main focuses were about traveling and wandering and the solitary experiences we have. it was about eyes and being blind. we talked about faith and the journey of life. we spoke of nature and the fact that there is no true death, destruction is an act of creation. how nature's laws overrule our own artifical man made laws. there were rants of the transformation of I to You, of how a person becomes a skeleton, then the materials they have with them and finally they dissolve into the path they are on, of the indeterminacy of language and how we can only scribble because if we dote on exactly what is happening, detail for detail, word for word, when we look up from the page, we are another person, already transformed. it was about our transformations, it was about us.

this class and the works we read and the students and the professor were all too perfect for my first semester in college. so far from home, i read these books, i read the papers, i read my prof's notes and it all spoke to me. all these talks on life and religion and the wandering that we do and all the tranformations that happen to us collided and transformed me. i went into college not knowing what i wanted to do or be and scared to move and nervous to even walk alone, heck i didnt even know where i was going (literally and figuatively) and now i am here. having a solitary experience, literally and figuratively. i have changed, i have done something that i was and am afraid of. change. major change. i mean, i am still me and i still have my values and i am still scared to even talk to a boy sometimes, but my experiences this year have completly changed me and i will return to new jersey as a completly different person. i have new stories to tell and new people that i talk with and i have new fears and new strengths but i am still the same person. its so mind blowing. i feel like this class not only helped me through my first semester of freshman year but also gave me the eyes to see a new way of life. and with these brand new eyes, i am more motivated than before to follow through with my dream to be an english teacher. i know, people dream of being president or lawyers or doctors or actors but i want this. i love school, i love it so much. i hate homework and rude people and getting up at early hours but my pros outweigh the cons significantly. i love learning, i love meeting people and i love talking to them. i love walking around, sometimes in a rush, sometimes trying to go very slow, i love attempting to look presentable and i love to see how others portray themselves. i love being in class and hearing other opinions and learning things for school use and for every day uses. i love seeing the students and the teachers and the - a fellow student from my english class just walked into the library and sat down at the computer across from me, i dont think he saw me, but i will say hello to him and maybe chat about the english final with him. see i love this! - random people you see and greet and meet on campus. i love the impromtu chats with random people who sat next to you. i love how sitting by strange people in august ended with high fives and hugs and swapping of numbers and "see you next semester"s in december. i am happy as a student and i want to become a teacher and pass that happiness on. ive had so many teachers that dont care if you pass or fail, they only want to see their paycheck at the end of the day but ive had a few teachers that i could tell wanted me to get excited learning these things and even to do well in school and out of school. the good, once again, outweighed the bad.

(quick word on my professor for this class. he is extremely talented. he told my class that we were his favorite class of the 9 years he has been teaching and he told me he liked my blue coat and would, every day shut the lights off at the beginning of class and would thank US for class at the end. he is a great inspiration and i cant even begin to say how much he taugh us. he was so nonchalant about everything, teaching was so natural to him. he told us that he didnt even have a lesson plan, he would reread the books before class in starbucks and would make up questions and choose what we were talking about on his way to class. everything was relatable to some sort of music or classic tv show or famous person and everything was able to be broken down. the class was 50 minutes and three times a week and still i left class with heavier notes and a deeper understanding and more appriciation for what we read. it was all so relaxed and so friendly. did i have a teeny crush on him and his hipsterness? WHO DIDNT? i mean, everyone - all my female (straight and lesbian) friends in that class, my male friends (gay and straight) -would all talk about him but dont worry, nothing unhealthy, we all understood that our professor had a girlfriend. unfortunatly he told us he will be moving (i was SOOO awkward "...liiiiike, to another state?" oi.) NEXT WEEK! so i will never have him as a teacher again and i wont even like run into him on the quad. overall he will be missed and will be remembered.)

BREAK! i just over heard this and i think you should know this too:
so there are 3 people at the computer next to mine a boy and two girls and the boy has taken some sort of class on walking (not sure?) and they are talking about it, seriously!, and the girls dont believe this is a real class and he was like YEAH, ITS LEGIT, I HAD TO WRITE A PAPER ABOUT IT. LIKE HOW WE DO IT AND WHO DOES IT AND WHEN IT WAS INVENTED. (......i know) and one of the girls looks at him and smirks and says "who invented walking? are you serious? wasnt it like, Jesus?!" ..................................................................................... yeah.

i know what you might be thinking: she never wants to leave school. and i suppose i dont want to leave, in a way. though i am, as ive said before, afraid of major changes, this change i welcome with open arms. i want to be on the other side of the desk or lecturn and i would be honored to pass on some of the excitment i have to others. do i have rose colored glasses on? yes, but when dont i? i am overly excited about things, i am sometimes obnoxiously positive and i have a great faith in people. im sure people think im crazy and down here i dont exactly blend in, i mean i havent brushed my hair for, what?, two years? but ill let you in on a little secret, i may not be confident in everything i do and i really hate arrogant people, but i am pleased with who i am turning out to be. so do i want to stay in a school setting because i am afraid to grow up and stay in school because i am comfortable here and know i do well and that i would maybe fail at something else or that i am afraid to get a "real job" and have other major changes happen in my life? no. i want to stay in school and maybe help a young mind to have a little faith in people or to see the postives with the negatives, unlike those who would think these things.

may i jot down the quote the final words my professor wrote on the board?:

please write about
A) #10
B) ___ [he let us choose the last two]
C) ___

Secret Final (the final behind the final aka the real final:
"The months and days are the travelers of eternity. The years that come and go are also voyagers." Be Good.


my friend kitty is reading my blog.
we are still in the library.


p.s. hi kelley? im not sure if youre reading this, or if you care. you should kelley, you should.

pps. world: the aforementioned girlies are the best. i dont think ive written about them before(?) but i really should, one of these days. i should also study some. HM. oh well. take my word for it, im lucky to have found them!


i am blogging in the library. how exciting. no really.
also: i found a little treasure trove in one of my school's like 10 libraries. it was really nice and the girl i was with was looking through all kinds of different picture books showing the history of my school. i still cant believe i go here. looking through the photos and just walking around the regular library as well as the slightly secret one was just so nice. i really felt like i was following my family's footsteps. nothing really had changed and dont even get me started on the staircases! i really like libraries and i really like my school and im sorry for worrying you about not being content here in my last post. i do love it here, but i love it for all my own reasons. i dont like the silly frat parties where you constantly have beer spilled on you by drunked lightweights, i like it for the history and the traditions and well, you know all that.

okay. i must go and walk around and mingle with all the hipsters. apparently this is the cool hangout for my kind of people!

this is my new favorite song. just so you know.

in other news: i come home in 11 days. i need to start packing, HOW EXCITING.
you have no idea, interwebs, how happy i am to come home. you know? i think, and i sound a little brattish right now, that i had to get out and leave and not have that closeness to home and not have that option to just zip back to really appriciate it. sure, i loved it way back when, but missing home and loving home after leaving is something new. i feel like i was so angsty and when i wasnt sure if i was coming to alabama really pushed me out the door and here, when i couldnt drive back home or pop on the plane, i got over my homesickness by writing letters and imagining what i would do when i was home and it was really nice. i really love new jersey and i love my town and i love northeners i cant wait to come home.

its not that i dont like the south its just not home. so many people rant and rave about their school and how much they love it, i like my school too but sometimes i just dont connect with it.