so i saw inglourious basterds. if anyone wants to see it again or for the first time, i will go along with you. its real amazing. SO.
band camp is over, russia is over, summer is over. i have nothing to write about. i just feel like driving somewhere. at points i feel like i'm too young to be a senior and at times i feel like i'm too old to be in high school. (3 people already asked me where i was going to college). i want to run away and travel and see the world and sometimes i want to stay home and watch movies.
on another level, my legs are nice and strong from marching and moving around. horrah! didnt really get a crazy tan from band camp though :/. so what should i talk about guys? i really have no idea! i saw my friends whilst driving yesterday! they called my name at a stop light! got some good movies such as Sin City and Pulp Fiction that i'll be watching asap! i think i'll go grab some coffee now. maybe you should text me and we can do stuff???


woahwoahwoahwoah. i stupidly found my two yearbooks from PV about 5 minutes ago and stupidly put on my SLEEP playlist with sad and slow songs on it. the combination did not make me sleep. damn. i'm going to be a senior, and though for the past year and a half i've been dreaming of this, saying things like I WISH IT WAS OVER ALREADY, i find that now it is upon us! - it being senior year, the "real world" as they say, and all things scary and new. - i thought i'd be excited, happy and willing to just step right into this new feeling of big man on campus and top of the totem pole but here i am, nervous and a little bit sick. it was just the end of school, i found a letter i wrote to myself way back in the middle of junior year telling me how happy i am its almost over and if it is already over to be happy still. not the case. i was just in Russia, OVER. i just began my internship, OVER. my kitchen was still old and gloomy, OVER. now i am about to be in band camp all next week, then school shopping and then soon applying for the next 4 years of my life. some friends will be freshman again, some will be sophomores again! NUTS! this is crazy. i saw my friends in this thick, green and white book and i saw their captions of "KEEP IT REAL PV" and "THANX MOM&DAD&BRO&SIS" and i saw their pictures from their high school parties and their crazy, fun times. and here i am. my senior pictures are already done, my captions are mostly done, now i have so much to do for college and time does not seem to stop or slow or even linger. summer is over, soon high school will be over, then college and then what? TWO YEARS ITS BEEN SINCE I WAS IN CHEMISTRY CLASS. and the laughs are still playing back like it was the same day. and the deep gash the boy i really fell for is still trying to be stiched up. and i am here. in the "present", that thin thin thin skinny line between PAST and FUTURE. 11:36 is in the past now. yep. jeez. how will it be when i'm 76. then my whole life will be behind me, unless there is some sort of elixer of life serum which is invented. but who wants to live forever anyway. i am controdicting myself? GEE, i dont even know what to say. i want to enjoy life and i want to be able to take a look around and be happy. and i dont want so much work that i cant be happy. its like those MAN MAN lyrics. "i just can't remember, january, straight through december." it just seems too fast. i don't feel like i think i should feel going into senior year. i mean i'm going to have to sit through sex ed, i am so immature! i dont want to face the day my cat is too old, i am not grown up to handle that. i've never gone to a funeral for my own family yet! i cant handle things, im just a kid. i cant even seem to consistantly use " ' " where it needs to be.


dear little sister i never had "Jasco",

Russia - actually the World - awaits you.

(some of the pictures are out of order but

each one has a description at the bottom)

A look from the top of Saint Isaac's Cathedral. The city is huge and spans as far as you can see.

Another look from the top. They are constantly building and re-building, hence the cranes.

One of the many boys my mom tried to set me up with. My face says it all.

A church service. The walls are of marble and gold leaf. This is taken from the very back, many people came to pray.

Most "traditional" restuarants have a stuffed bear to please and impress the tourists. Of course I needed a picture, since I was a tourist.

There are many streets and many people in Saint Petersburg, yet you can count on a nice park or trail to be near-by.

On our way to the Hermitage Museum. The streets are lined with vendors and ancient architecture.

Some Russian graffiti. it says: "I love you".

Walking the streets. It seems far but the sights along the way make it lovely.

Saint Isaac's Cathedral - a look from the street. A typical beautiful, busy day.

love, big sister you never had "Katherine"
august is half over already. less time for summer. it seems like there is this huge clock somewhere around the corner from my house or deep in the corners of my mind that just keeps ticking. like the single tapping of the drumstick in "whalebones" by Man Man. 59, 58, 57, 56, 55 ... on and on. ceaseless. summer is basically over and what have i done? i've started a blog, read 3 books, went across the world, wore mostly skirts and dresses, but there is so much more to do. college applications already? more summer work? clean my room before band camp! it seems i've run into a dead end and junior year frights have returned. already i feel like i should gasp for air, enclosed like a bricked-up allyway around me. only way out is up. i've got to "take a bite of the bullet" and climb. problem? no motivation. breathing isn't that important! AH! damnit. this blog was supposed to be an outlet. and now here i am motivating myself (maybe you reader? want to get some work done?) oh well. i like the similie. 54, 53, 52, 51, 50 .....


it is august already. i still have a lot of summer work to do.

i realized i cheated you out of my trip to russia because of i was freaking out about college. sorry!
where to begin. lets see, something dramatic? Russia, the land of beautiful people, the land of tsars, the land of memorable fighting and the land of my ancestors. BUM BUMMMMMM. right. so whats happening in Russia in July of 2009? beautiful things, my friends. what really struck me is how for the last 17 years, i've blindly loved Russia, its true, i have. i've always been proud of what i saw in the pictures or what i remembered from my trip when i was 8 (i actually hated it, go figure ahhaha) and i've always loved it from what i've heard from news stories or just reminiscing. but this trip made me see what i've been "loving" and it really hit me in the face. i cannot describe how wonderful it was, IT IS. i've never loved/been more proud of/missed anything as much as Russia. lets just say, if i had the chance to move there after high school, i would in a blink of an eye. call me biased, but hear me out, if you are italian, go to Italy, if you are german, go to Germany (i've seen the airport, not bad Germany. haaha). where ever you are from, GO HOME. and i don't mean your home with your bed and your secret collection of stuffed animals that you can't give up, but your motherland, the land of YOUR ancestors. this trip really opened my eyes, i didn't see what i expected to see, i saw better things. going to Russia really made me consider life outside of the US. i mean, i don't always agree with all the US stuff, but i've never really thought of leaving, its comfortable here, i'm used to it. but Russia, i would move there and i don't fully know the language, but i know enough to squeeze by. walking the history lined streets (the buildings, the bridges, everything) its just breath-taking. i was so worried when i arrived in Russia that i would not love it, and now i am worried that i won't be able to stop yearning to go back. thats my home. i've lived in New Jersey my entire life, my family is here (most), my friends are all from here and i can't imagine life without them but when i woke up that second day in Russia, i realized that that huge country of snow and cities and life is where i belong. i thought i knew what i wanted, but now everything is out the window, i've been propelled back into that kolidescope of uncertainty and i don't know which way is out, the way i've known for so long - the one i'm so comfortable with or the one i've only just begun to understand. i'm in love with a country, a life that i can't have and probably can't afford, but its soso exciting. the walking around Saint Petersburg at night, there was absolute freedom - picture New York City with less people in a rush and more people in love with life, picture school with people who are interested in fun, interested in dining outside and interested in living life and not getting bogged down in work and hate and heavy feelings. its strange, i feel like i'm backstabbing my home for 17 years for one that i've only just met, hahah am i cheating on it? which brings me to my next point, traveling. i love it. airports, people you travel with - you could meet anyone just by sitting by them or being on line after them and your lives cross at this one point, maybe waiting 6 hours in Germany for a 7 hour plane trip to the US. there are so many people out there and i want to get the most of my life and i want to travel and see other cultures and see other people and maybe stay in a hut in some small, poor country and cry that i want to go home and then get used to the place and then love it. i want to help people everywhere (it sounds over-used but this i'm fascinated by societies and people and their beliefs and i want to learn and i want to teach and i want to help and i want to be helped) and i want to be happy and content with what i've got, cause life's short. (SUBLIME.) right so maybe i can learn how to put pictures up and you can see a fragment of my dreams. we all need to travel and get out of our little boxes. mentally and physically.