i'm feeling really overwhelmed by this college stuff. i feel like everything is so important and that if i mess up one bit ill just be a nobody and i feel like its all on my shoulders and i have to make very important decisions RIGHT NOW. some people have been thinking of college their whole entire lives, they've been studying and practicing sports with scholarships in mind. i haven't done any of that. i don't even think i'm the average high-schooler simply because i am not worried about college. and thats what scares me the most, i am so care-free right now when i feel like i should be hounding down college professors and taking the SAT II and ACT. i feel like i'm not taking enough time to sort out what i want or what i should want and i feel like i will not get the experience i want. i have no college that i've been dying to attend. i have no major that i'm dying to do. i think being an english teacher would be fun, i really like reading and helping people but who says thats what i want when im 30?! i feel like i'm at the bottom of the ocean and that i have no means and no desire to get to the top. thats the scariest part. i haven't visited any colleges, i don't know what i want to do and i can hear the clock ticking. when i was anxious to do college stuff, no one helped me and the internet sure isn't the way i want to learn about a place i'm living at for 4 years. and now when i'm, sort of lazy with college things i don't even know where to begin. all these websites i was given don't help me. what i need is a psychiatrist who will give me hard copies of things none of this online business. i don't care whats the percentage of whites in your university, i want to know what kind of student you will take. i don't care how many minutes away from NYC your college is, i want to know how much it will cost my parents! i feel like if you can come out of your junior and senior year of highschool somewhat sane, after all the talks and meetings and phone calls and learning and college stuff, you should be able to go. these SATs, GPAs, LMNOPs really, i just want to come out of high school alive. best time of your life? i really hope not. and another thing. the cost of college. HELLO? i mean, whats the point of spending millions of dollars at one college when the degree you get at the end, is the same as one thats half a million? and also - whats the deal with college being so darn expensive???? books, okay, but sending me to an "okay" college will be the same as if my parents bought a new car. every year. i don't see where the incentive is. it's happened with food. why would someone pay $30 for a healthy meal when they can get a fast and tasty, albiet unhealthy meal for $7. where is the incentive to eat better? i just don't see the big scha-bang that is neccessary for going to college. its all so complicated and i want it to be over right now. how do i know which college is "right for me"? i'm so young, i'm not even allowed to drive past 12AM and you want me to make a decision that will (or at least feels like) determine the rest of my life? i feel so helpless and all the computer can give me is 35 matches to "Penn State".

2 things:

i don't know how to spell "incentive", is that right? ha, some english teacher i'll be.

and after reading this over i feel even more frazzeled (Spelling?!!?!) and i'm not even going to bother to take out the mistakes for fear of exploding.


jeez. its the 9th already? gee-wizz, it feels like the entire summer has gone by so quickly. why couldn't junior year have gone equally as quick? haha times fun when you're having flies. or something like that ;D
So! today is technically my favorite day of my whole trip to russia (btw i'm going to russia ahaha) you want to know why? well it is simply because i love airports. i love sitting there and waiting for the planes, i love being around other people who are going on a trip, i love the little stores they have, i love just everything. plus, these moments that i'm taking to write this in are the best too. can you guess why? because everything is ahead of me. my entire 7 hours to germany, 2 hours to st. petersburg and then my entire vacation in russia is ahead of me. and maybe you, my trusted reader(s) will be reading this when ever you stumble upon it, maybe tomorrow, maybe after i return. and thats just crazy since before you/i will know it, i'll be back in my bed trying to catch up on sleep and/or telling you how it was.
so enjoy your 11 days without me! dusvidaniya!


i don't wanna dream if it won't come true

i like that song but i can't find the song online. Conner Obst is the artist? Thats the problem with 91.1 and those "independent" stations, great music but no way to find them again! (like that french song "Dit Moi" MUST FIND!) anywhozles.
right now i'm feeling a bit blue and meloncholy and low and confused. (DISCLAIMER** - not directed towards anyone, i'm not vengful or angry i just don't get the world, please don't feel the need to talk to me about this, i'll probably delete this if i even post it) what the eff is up with the world these days? listen, i've had a crush on one guy for like 2 years now and its been up and down and all over the board. he has moved on and on and on after me (no relationship just "something") and here i am just chilling, hoping he'll like me again. i've told myself plenty of times that if that was to happen, i'd be like "you had your chance mister *snap snap*", but i still like him and get nervous infront of him and i know why i like this guy still, because - even if it was a long time ago - he treated like i wanted to be treated for a change, as someone who was pretty enough or nice enough or funny enough to be liked but then i think 'i might never be liked by another guy' or 'thats really cocky to say for someone like me'. or my friends will say "you could do better", not true my comrades, i've yet to have anyone else "better" be interested by me. am i a wet blanket? a loser? a freak? just plain ugly? does everyone think i'm a lesbian? I'M NOT. (a lesbian that is, the others = maybe?) i like to think of myself as well rounded. (in retrospect i'm acting pretty cocky here but still i have a point) i'm in honors classes, i'm a size 6/8, i'm not a b*tch! its mind boggling. i know, you never hear me complain and i shouldn't judge myself because i don't have a boyfriend. i know. but right now, i'm actually saying what i feel and right now i feel like i at least deserve someone to like me as more than an interesting person to talk to. it would be nice to have someone consider me as more than a friend. but its at the point where at 17, i've never had a boyfriend and i've never been kissed. pathetic? by today's standards - yes. (dude, i went to victoria secret two days ago and i told basically everyone helping me there that it was my first time and they all kept saying "NO WAY!" i mean, i had a changing room next to a 12 year old. WTF?) but i digress. okay, there are loads of girls who are strange and used for sex or arm candy and i don't want that. i don't want a 87 year relationship now, but a nice casual something or other that just goes with the flow would be welcomed. i feel like i'm putting out an ad. and i'm not just talking about myself right now. there are tons of girls i know who are smart and down to earth and funny and beautful and athletic and just great and they are single and unnoticed. its time someone else than the size 00000000000 are seen as beautiful. there are girls overlooked because they don't show their coochie-coochies and they don't know how to grind. i'm no feminist (how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?......ZERO, feminists can't change anything! ahahaha) but its completly insane for society to say whats pretty and whats ugly. $500 shoes are ugly, that money should go to the dying people all around the world because of lack of water or food or clothes not to something you'll step in the mud with. and some wrinkled, cheap hand made card is beautful because some little kid made it for their mom or dad because it was their birthday. (but who am i to say whats ugly and whats beautiful).

okay now i'm starting to realize it might not be a good idea to put out my innermost and kind of cocky thoughts out there so i better hit "publish post" now.


sometimes you really feel gravity. you feel it when you step on the scale or when you fall but you feel it even more when you are alone. about 10 minutes ago, about 9:40ish i went outside to lay and look at the stars. well, there were too many clouds to see stars, so i focused on something else. gravity, earth. did you ever stop whatever you were doing because you had the urge to look at the world around you? well, lying on my beach blanket, with my toes in the freshly cut grass and the suprisingly cold wind blowing on my legs, i noticed how fast we are traveling towards morning, towards autumn. the clouds wizzed by and made and broke shapes. and thats when i felt gravity. it was just like a string tied somewhere in my "core" was being pulled down really hard actually. i don't really notice that stuff when i'm dancing about on my two feet or when i'm tossing and turning on my bed but just then it was amazing. there are astonishing things i see everyday now that it's summer. the pendulum in my mind has been so tired of rules and school that its evening out by making me want to explore and relax and just watch. go outside and lay down or come into my backyard and do it, feel the earth.