and this time, ladies and germs, its not only distance. in my english class, we have had this overall motif in our readings that once a person leaves, that whole experience dies. even if the famous main character returns gloriously with banners and trumpet sound, that place will never be the same to the main character. that time away from the place has allowed other things to creep in and fill up space. though the death (and when i say death and birth etc i dont mean to get all emo for you, im not, im just so used to using those words) has allowed the birth of something new, it has made room for something else to happen, even if you go back things will never be the same. they can never be the same.
this is yet another high school encompassed post that is giving me a rapid heartbeat. so ill just spill my guts and hope i dont crack. LAWLS.
okay, so recently ive been finding myself on fbook, just being a creep as usual ;D and ill stumble upon a familiar face or a good friend and ill look at the photos and smile and think back and then the wall will pop up and a lot of writings are asking how the person is or how they like college or how they themselves are having a blast. and then i remember. its not so much the change or the milage but rather, its the fact that i have no choice but to go forward. WHAAA- you are thinking. i know, i want to be moving forward yeah yeah yeah but it was very nice having that back drop of home life and high school and the comfort zone of friends and now suddenly we are in different parts of the world and making our own names and making friends that others will most likely never meet. its making my heart flutter. i miss it. i really do. i mean the people annoyed me sometimes, the workload was redic these past two years and i had some of the best times ever in the hallways or in the classrooms or on the front practice lawn. i have the memories, yes i know, but its just unbelievable that i will most likely never see some of these people face to face again. oh we have facebook and all kinds of techy goodness but ill never be able to bump into them in the hallway on the way to guidance and ill never be able to make awkward small talk on the sandwich line with them again. and its not only that, but even if i do see them again, we will be different people. tim the baseball star does not only want to chat about APES with me, we will, instead, chat about WVU or UA. we will chat about the south or the mid-south, or wherever he is. we will reminisce. and that is mindblowing. people i grew up with, people i saw embarressing things from, people i went to middle school dances with are in college. i am in college. that is unbelievable. i've always had a hard time telling reality from dreams and this is def one of those times.
the part that i am most scared of, is my family. how will i go back to my life in NJ now that i have been here and have seen the things i have seen. what will my friends and i talk about? i am so afraid i will come back home and everything will be different. and it will all be because of me. new stores, new locations, new layouts, new roads, new signs, remodeling, construction, different people, less or more people, i cant take it. i dont fear the change, heck i got on the train pretty easily back in august but i mean, this is too much. its going to be october and i will turn 19 years old, 18 days into the month. i need things to slow down and i need them to return to normal. it was just yesterday i was applying to a redic number of schools. and here i am, on my dorm bed. without a roommate (can i get a woopwoop!) and i am enjoying it but its all too soon and all too fast. i miss running into Justin or Frankie or Ryan or all those random people i have known since we were all 5 and i miss making an awkward smile for them and i miss nervously chatting with them and then going back to class. i miss it. and i still am stunned i graduated from high school THREE MONTHS AGO.
tomorrow is october first. i cant take this.
When I wrote all those whiny (i did have a good reason, a-thank you very much!) posts about being afraid and being nervous and all around being a negative nancy I was afraid of one thing all along. I was so scared of being alone. I mean, yeah, I'm an only child and yeah, I am alone a lot of the day, but this was / is a whole new kind of alone. I am 1017 miles from home alone. (hah, home alone) I am starting from scratch alone. I was never this. Alone meant being in your room, doing nothing, wondering what your friends were doing but too afraid to ask them, so you just suck it up and wait. Alone meant hanging out and surfing the net while your parents made their ways back home. Alone meant that your cat was in some part of the house patrolling.
August was a rough month. I left my home of 18 years as I stepped onto a train and watched it speed by and then couldn't tell if I was in New Jersey or if we were in Pennsylvania. I felt as if I was on a vacation with my family and moving into the dorm was very emotionally confusing. I slept and interacted with people on campus but my family was only 5 minutes away in a hotel, doing all kinds of fun things. The hardest times were when, after a long day of Sorority Rush, my family would meet up with me for dinner. I broke down at the table constantly. I don't want to remember that feeling. When they left, as I walked into my dorm and as they drove away, I was so confused. Nothing felt real. In the elevator up to the 14th floor, it hit me, I was alone. Some people who I go to school with were really happy at this moment, FREEDOM! the coveted teenage yearning. I, in my hipster way of doing everything differently, was frightened out of my mind. I had never gotten coffee on my own, it was weird if my family wasn't all home by 7 o'clock, I always felt so sad for those who ate in the diner by themselves (especially older people!! :[[ ) and here I was, about to be in a state all by my lonesome. Sure I had some scraps of friends here and there, the normal ones out of the hundreds I had met, but what if they were all busy?! What if I had none of them in my classes?! WHAT IF I HAD NO ONE TO LUNCH WITH!!!????!?! yeah. (listen, dont judge me, ive lived a priviledged life and i am blessed with many many many good fortunes and ive never had to deal with this - poor little lucky girl. whatever.)
Well, long story short (too late), I have made leaps and bounds, if I do say so myself. That nervous feeling when I would walk alone has vanished. I am no longer paranoid about my walking speed or if my skirt is all ruffled, I walk about 40 minutes a day, mostly alone. Everyday, every single day, unless I've made plans of course, I grab my lunch and eat alone. I check my mail alone. I no longer have a roommate so I am alone when I am in my dorm. I am no longer afraid.
When I was growing up, my momma taught me all kinds of words to expand my vocabulary. of Horrendous instead of bad, Antiquated in place of old, Taken Aback rather than surprised. The ones I heard most and remember the best are "Independent and Self Sufficient", I felt like hot stuff saying those words and would always be proud when my parents or my family would remark how I did something on my own - clean up my mess, get dressed, put my candle up in church all by myself - they would say something like Good Job! or You Did It! and I would nod and smile and thank them with the addition of "yeah, I'm independant and self sufficient." and now I feel like saying that. I was a little dependant on people always being there. I watched the video above for like, days on end, it feels like. It is so true. You are not a freak if you walk alone or if you are enjoying a diner classic by yourself. It reminds me of the story of The New England Nun by Kate Chopin. I admired the woman for choosing to be alone and happy rather than get married and be semi-happy, but I never even thought of doing that myself. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your own company, just being with your thoughts. Wonderful things happen when you are alone. You notice the surroundings around you. You notice the noise and sometimes, even the silence. You write really long blog posts in comfy clothes. You remember. You think. You dream.
I've talked too long but I'll continue on for just a bit more, I've got one last point.
In World Lit we're discussed the self and God. We were reading The Odyssey. My prof, in his usual hipster, rolled up pant legs and skinny tie attire, was doing all the talking and I was zoning in and out and I picked up on one section. How, on the journey, one or in this case Odysseus, had to be segregated, had to be alone to be with God. Something stupid had to happen but they had to be broken and failing and alone to reach contact or full contact with God. This song I have only recently began to obsess over. It is about God/Jesus, but thats besides the point. I love that idea "To be alone, with you". I find it wonderful, that whole oxy moron of being alone with another being - whether its a girl or boy or God. I love it that true connection doesn't happen until we are only a piece of what we were. I did break a little bit. Nothing requiring meds or talking to someone, but college so far away really hit me hard. But I am good now, I have learned to cherish my own company and am comfortable where I am. Today, someone told me I had a lot of friends, and I guess I do. I am getting back into my old ways with a new twist. For example, I heard about a Russian flutist and trumpet player who were doing a concert in the Music Hall and I invited everyone I knew and no one could go and I was all ready to stay home but I looked in the mirror and decided to hoof it there, in record time, I might add - you should see these calves! - and I fully enjoyed the concert. I saw people I knew there and they invited me to join them but I declined and loved it all the more because there was no obligated feeling of talking about the concert, I could just think about it.
I'm not saying that being alone is the best thing in the world and that I would be happy just re-organizing my room until forever, but it is nice to be able to enjoy it when the time comes and you are hungry and everyone is in class. I love that things are working out. I love that I have a blog. I love that I can't stop listening to this song.
how are you? im doing better.
my hands are wrinkly and the laptop light really finds its way into all the valleys. and it just makes them look so beautiful, i admit, i'm a bit biased.
i wrote a poem, yeah i know, i thought the same thing.
i just erased what i wrote here. it was about new friends and how having friends rocks. i erased it because i was getting a little too heated about the subject.
im starting to really like it here. it was hard, more difficult to make friends than id like to admit, but im slowly changing. im not afraid to do things on my own anymore but now i have a choice! and thats great, that really is.
i even found a crush! its nice to have a crush thats in the same state as you and as i said to my friends before, "i forgot how much fun it was!"
speaking of friends, they say college is where you meet your best friends, but ive already met them. i guess there is always room for more but as i see it, im set!
i hope you are fine, reader(s)! i hope your time in school (or where ever you are) is okay.
SPTMBR. more friends, more talking, more fun, more excitment, more getting used to it, more laughs, hair cut, whiter smile, more life.
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
i found a few wrinkles by my lips. they are a sign of all the laughs and all the smiles i have had and i couldnt be happier to show them off!
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
HAPPY: Janelle Monae - Tightrope - how exciting! just want to boogie!
who can resist this! and to think i am only like ... 3 hours away from him!
SAD: The xx - Crystalised - just want to mope and then kinda want to do something.
BORED: This Will Destroy You - The Mighty Rio Grande - long so i can play a game without changing the song 24/7 and makes me want to go do something.
HYPED: The Rapture - Out of the races and onto the tracks - i just want to strut around and wear sunglasses and make an indifferent look on my face. ahahhaa.
MAD: The Scarring Party - No More Room! - makes me feel better. love the old sound
well thats all folks.
cannot stop listening to it. my neighbors probably hate me but hey, at least i have good taste in music. winkyface. ;]
today is the first football game of the season. and i may not seem like it, with my indie hipster outfits and short curly hair or with my sunglass collection but I LOVE COLLEGE FOOTBALL. i know, right!? i am writing in the only time slot that i will not be at the game. it begins at six but i am leaving at 2:45ish to catch the million dollar band on the library steps and then a half hour after that everyone just gets crazy. i had to keep myself inside last night because i wanted to save the view of like, hundreds of tents on the quad for today. and when i saw it, it was great. red and white everywhere. houndstooth everything and everywhere. bbqs and flat screens and foldable chairs and PEOPLE. EVERYWHERE.
sometimes im sad and sometimes i think im just a number here, lost, unknown and without an identity but just looking around, im not. with my white dress and red belt and houndstooth hat with a red feather, i am part of the alabama tribe. its so big here but all you have to do is say "Roll Tide" and youve instantly gained respect and a few smiles along the sidewalk. i am doing fine here and i cant wait to make more friends at the games! shouting and shaking my shaker and singing along to all the cheers and songs, OH GOSH I CANT WAITTTTTTT.
two things i get riled up for: fencing and football. what can i say?
i love going to a traditional university! i am slowly becoming a southern belle, but will never end being a jersey girlllll. <33333333333
this day by day challange is kind of fun! tune in next time! same bat time! same bat place!
so this picture of myself and a best friend of mine being good citizens will hopefully make up for it.
in unrelated news i quit the sorority and feel 1000x better. i have also fallen in love (dont worry, not really).