I don't know what to say. I have many hopes for the future. This year marks 18 years since my first breath of real air. Amazing isn't it? 18 years of managing to not fall down the stairs (fatally), not being eaten by an animal, not being electricated, not playing with matches, not running after a ball after it rolled into the street, or other various dangers only Lou-Ann would worry about (REFERENCE ... thats what AP English does to ya!). Man, its beautiful but so scary. 18 years more, 18 years less. I would love to have this birthday mean something. A new chance, "a new year" like Sam said, just for me! Its going to be a good year, I really want it to be, I need it to be.

Something for the future me to look back to?:

You Go Girl.


I will be returning to Russia on October 21.
I will return from Russia on October 29.
This is wonderful and frightening.

Have you ever had great expectations for someone? Lets have an example.
Say you are a teenage girl who hears all kinds of escapades of her male friends. You hear all about the girls who are hot and the girls who do things with boys and you hear all about how the boy wants stuff from more than one girl, yes? And some boys you just expect this from. You've known them for a long time and all you can say is "Oh. ____, you crazy boy. you heart breaker." I mean, double standards people! But then there are other boys who you have also known for a long time. And they are quieter and more reserved and you think "This boy is nothing like ____, he is gentle and would never demand anything like ____ does!". And then you hear how the shy boy has gotten stuff from girls and you think "WHAT?". Whats different? Why the double standard? I mean, boy #2 is nothing special, and you have never liked him like that, but still, its weird. I guess I built up Boy #2, more than Boy #1 who has been stealing and crushing hearts since the 7th grade. Boy #2 was better than that. What made Boy #2 different was that he was okay with not having a girl do things to him. He wasn't like Boy #1 or any of the other mindless boys. And here you are hearing scandelous stories of him. My point? Expectations. Do we all build up these larger than life imaginations of people only to see them crumble? I've done it. I'm the worst at it. Another example: My Idol. She was the big sister I've never had. She was everything I've ever wanted to be, witty, sly, fashionable, collected, fabulous, well liked, respected, funny, different, crazy, lovely. I've never met a more wonderful person. I was a freshman and she seemed too old for high school. Too cool. She was best friends with another girl who I considered a beautiful role model. For two years I looked up to these girls. They were the reason for fencing, for playing the flute the best I could. Then, one horrible day, my Idol, the older one, the one so dear, let slip a bad habit. It killed me, I cried, she cried. It wasn't her fault, I wasn't crying solely for the fact of that slip-up. It was the death of her innocence I connected to. I cried for the fact that people were not as good as I thought them to be. I cried because it was true. I cried because she was not as holy, as sacred, as pure as I was modelling myself after. I still hold her dear in my heart but it can never be as it was before. Its as if I've grown to understand not to idolize her as I did.
You see, thats my downfall. Great Expectations. They are only human, subject to whims and stupidities and falls from grace. At times I feel like the Catcher in the Rye. I feel as if kids are growing up faster than they should. I'm only 17 years old for another few days. I'm so old fashioned in my beliefs. Often I wonder who is right.


i have no idea what to write about anymore.
no time to do anything.