it seems as if everything is falling into place. and i don't want to speak too soon or jinx anything but everything is sailing smoothly! this is a nice feeling. not everything has really sunk in though, i can't wait until it finally does!

the only thing that is making me uneasy is the fact that we are all leaving. "we" being my friends. for example, while chatting with my best friend, i suddenly realized "..wait, we're not going to the same school..." and that kind of stopped us in our tracks. we both started spouting nonsense like "lets not talk about that". oh boy. but its good, i want her and all my senior friends to go away and grow up as i want to go away and grow up. the wierd thing is that all the adults i know all say that they arent friends with their high school friends anymore. i mean, granted, they didnt have facebook or twitter or cell phone usage until later in life. thats a wierd thought.


love cats.
today i had so much great times just driving around at like ... dusk time.
and now i downloaded a good The Cure song, my favorite?!
and i love not knowing when i will be hanging out with friends later, no really i do! i love getting that call thats like "LETS HANG OUT IN 20 MINUTES!"
i got my real license today! and apart from my cool and happy attitude being stepped on (what is so great about being professional?1?!? also the hours = HORRENDOUS), i had a blast! (cool picture!)
also, tomorrow i get to hangout with the little sister i never had (hi there, if you're reading this!) cant wait to promenade around the towns with her! looking fly and breaking hearts...or something like that!

woohoo! i love love love the beginnings of weekends!


i have come to a time when i actually know what i want. well, for most things. college? i want to go to the university of alabama. now, this may not be a shock to you, or you, or you. but to me it is. it still hasn't sunk in that i'm a senior. and it's april. ehhhh. yes, i've said that i liked the campus and that the people were wonderful and polite and humble and kind but i never really admitted that i wanted to go. key word there people. so its true. and its weird to see my future in times new roman. now, nothing is set in stone, you know me and my family, everything until the last possible minute. but this time i set some time limits for my dad (the one whos against my decision - now before you go judging him and thinking he is this controlling over protective man of his little princess *flashy smile*, he isnt. i respect my father so much. hes experienced in any way. if youve got a problem, go to him! he is one of the last good, hard working, sometimes crazy men out there, trying to be the best and most of the time, getting there. i love him and understand that fairleigh ridiculous (aka: FDU) has given me a lot of money / all around cheaper, is close and not close at the same time, i would get a car, would live on campus, isnt a bad school, etcetecetecetc BUT! i want to get away) so we could come to a mutual conclusion with enough time to successfully send out acceptanc/denial letters to my colleges. three days. other than that, back to me. hah. whats all this submission, you say? why the wanting of parental approval? well, like we all know, i am nothing like the generation around me. i want to go to college/alabama knowing that back home my parents are proudly telling all church members and friend's parents and family members and anyone who asks, that i went to college/alabama. i want them to be happy too. i mean, they are paying for this and i am contributing nothing. i am so blessed. and i just want them to be happy too. i couldnt bear it if my family was torn apart. so, heres to a painless decision! back to what i want. its scary. not knowing if ill have a job. not knowing if ill be replaced by a computer. not knowing who and what is waiting in college/alabama.

i hope everything turns out alright! i just want to be comfortable in knowing where this once so hectic college path leads!


i've had an explosion of inspiration for my book project! i really think i'll finish this soon! like, at first i was very very excited about the project but then i got in a slump and was a little over whelmed thinking it was a lot to do and i really was scared to do any more to it but now after a few people told me they were excited to see the finished product i realized that i too should be excited. so i became excited again! and with that, waves of new ideas floated over me and i am happy and have to stop typing so i can go back to transforming this old 1961 medical directory book into some sort of art!


It is so green outside. i remember once when i was smaller and i was traveling down the parkway to my grandparent's house in the spring i asked my mother when it would be summer again and my mother said "well, remember what Babee said, when the leaves turn green, then its summer". i love remembering things like that. i love hearing about things that people remember when they were little, its like a little looking glass into their past/childhood. i am so curious about people. anywhos, everytime its spring i just think of that. i know its not technically correct info, but if i ever have children, i plan on telling them that, just to keep that going and to keep them hopeful when the trees grow bear.

i'm a little more confident with my post yesterday. i talked to my friend about oregon. it sounds so nice there, id like to visit her at college! the south seems right. ive only known jersey all my life but there is so much out there i want to see. this sounds redundant. it is. but long story short, i want to go.

on another side note: i like a boy. and if you are a person i tell each and every little crush to, this is a fairly new one. (i know im such a girl!) why am i telling you this when i usually dont? i dont know, man. i was just talking to him online and im smiling. ahaha. jeez. alright so anyway, i just feel we are so young. you know? i am 18 years old, technically an adult, he is, what, 19? 20? and i feel like we are so young. now dont worry, there is no serious business going on, its just a simple, met him a few years ago, became friends, talk about music and cat videos and whatnot. anyway, youth, right. i feel like everyone is so young. so ready to jump head first into something when not even knowing enough correct information. there are so many people in school doing some serious things and like, they are babies! its amazing, how we loook at ourselves (teenagers) and see sophisticated people. i mean, we kindof are. we have jobs and responsibilities and sometimes we have a status and a reputation. but thats it: kindof. we dont pay the bills or the rent (well, most of us dont).


you know, im a little frightened. i was fbook creepin' (a usual homework delay-er) and i saw the wall of a kid I was once friendly with back in Little Falls Middle school etc. and he said something along the lines of "so glad to be back in jersey" and whatnot. this really hit me. here i am/was/am being excited for college, for hoping to be able to leave NJ and experience the world around me. but, and this is the kicker, i love new jersey. i love the life that i live right now. sure i say all these classic "i can't wait to get out of here" lines but for the past 4 years - heck the past like ... 12 years, ive been comfortable, we've all been comfortable. and now its like class of 2010 and we throw up our caps and suddenly you havent seen the kids you used to see in the halls for 15 years and youre wondering if their wrestling career ever took off. i'm a little nervous now. even more knowing that wednesday we will be in the fourth and final marking period. so many good times at pv. so many weird times. but, like always, the good outshines the bad. its weird. and unsettling. i feel like there is a lot of unfinished business there. so many people i am not yet friends with. so many things not said or not done or too afraid to even think of doing. I HAVENT PULLED THE FIRE ALARM YET. ugh. (not that im this deviant thing or anything like that, just everytime im close to one, i have to pull away. ahaha) i dont know how to feel. its like two huge, heavy doors are creaking open and im right there in the middle, peeping through the crack and the doors creep-ily open by themselves and it is my move. of course i am afraid, when is it not in my character to not over think something or worry a bit, but i am more afraid of missing chances, of having my fears and resignations hold me back. of course i want to go, i want to begin being the lowest on the totem pole again. i want to make older friends again. i want to charm my teachers and have them remember me and not my SS number. I guess this post was just an external thinking chain. I went from nervous to motivated. all i can say is that up until now i have had a good time, ive never been picked on and those awkward years werent that bad, in retrospect. i always had older friends and never had to worry about freshman fridays. ive remained active and upbeat and made the best out of things and now a chapter of my autobiography is ending. its just, well ive never been much of a risk taker. and this is a pretty gnarly step through the intimidating doors.


tall men with deep voices have such deep voices because they have long vocal chords.

i met a tall russian man today.


There Are So Many Fake People Out There.

I mean, we are all fake. we all compete. we all want to get one step ahead. some of us wait for people to recognize us and our hard work. some wait and push ourselves up front and flaunt our strengths. you know, the 'squeeky wheel gets the grease' and all that jazz.


in case you were wondering, i am out of my rut.

Speaking of which: Rut's Hut. It is a good place to eat? Y / N ?


i still feel the way i did when i wrote my last post (the one i deleted, this has taken it's place). i deleted it because seeing it in writing is very hard.


10 things that make me happy. (something you wanted to know)
and yes, they are all number one!

1 wondering about the future. just thinking about the way i will feel when it will be 10 o'clock at night on June 25th. The first friday night of the summer. Imagine what it will actually feel like!!!!

1 my cat. Cocoa is a the size of a small dog (bigger than some!), has similar eyes to mine (gold and green as opposed to brown and green) and always saunters his way onto the bed/carpet/chair/desk/paper where you are. He is so cute and so well behaved

1 my family. der. of all the nutjobs in this world, i was blessed enough to get stuck with my family. they are all just the greatest with the best tastes!

1 FASHION: OHMYGOODNESS. albiet sunglasses, a very much needed button up or some white pants (yes, i took the plunge): I LOVE IT. it is wearable art! a way to express yourself! wonderful!

1 the motherland. Russia is so far away yet there isnt a day when i dont think about it. i miss it.

1 my hair. you know, i used to be real self concious about it, even going to lengths to [badly] straighten it. now ive really grown into loving each curl, each fly away strand of hair. i think i work it too :D

1 EASTER. my favorite holiday hands down. i love baking the bread with the family and i love the church services and i love not eating meat for 40+ days and then biting into that ham and just ... OH BOY ONLY LIKE TWO DAYS!

1 summer drives. i love fall and spring and winter but driving is best in the summer. i hate using the AC so when i was introduced to that idea of actually rolling down windows and using that to cool yourself off, i was like OHMYGOODNESSIMGOINGTODOTHISALLTHETIME. i remember the time i could tell fall began (i posted something about it, yes?) and now its just around the corner. get the CDs! get the best sunglasses! put some rings on! roll down those windows!

1 blogging. i love you cyber reader(s). i love being able to just typetypetype and its there and everyone can be like I AGREE or maybe even bring up a good point that i didn't think of. I love that i can choose to not post some things so that when i go back and read them i still think "i am so right". vain?

1 loving life. not so many people can open the front door after walking 2 miles from the school to your house and wonder "what did i think about just then?". i have no major problems. sure there are. but i mean, i love life. i think its mostly being a blessed person but also the way i see the world. i'm really laid back and i'm just trying to enjoy every moment of my life. cause you might get run over or you might get shot. SUBLIME.