you know, im a little frightened. i was fbook creepin' (a usual homework delay-er) and i saw the wall of a kid I was once friendly with back in Little Falls Middle school etc. and he said something along the lines of "so glad to be back in jersey" and whatnot. this really hit me. here i am/was/am being excited for college, for hoping to be able to leave NJ and experience the world around me. but, and this is the kicker, i love new jersey. i love the life that i live right now. sure i say all these classic "i can't wait to get out of here" lines but for the past 4 years - heck the past like ... 12 years, ive been comfortable, we've all been comfortable. and now its like class of 2010 and we throw up our caps and suddenly you havent seen the kids you used to see in the halls for 15 years and youre wondering if their wrestling career ever took off. i'm a little nervous now. even more knowing that wednesday we will be in the fourth and final marking period. so many good times at pv. so many weird times. but, like always, the good outshines the bad. its weird. and unsettling. i feel like there is a lot of unfinished business there. so many people i am not yet friends with. so many things not said or not done or too afraid to even think of doing. I HAVENT PULLED THE FIRE ALARM YET. ugh. (not that im this deviant thing or anything like that, just everytime im close to one, i have to pull away. ahaha) i dont know how to feel. its like two huge, heavy doors are creaking open and im right there in the middle, peeping through the crack and the doors creep-ily open by themselves and it is my move. of course i am afraid, when is it not in my character to not over think something or worry a bit, but i am more afraid of missing chances, of having my fears and resignations hold me back. of course i want to go, i want to begin being the lowest on the totem pole again. i want to make older friends again. i want to charm my teachers and have them remember me and not my SS number. I guess this post was just an external thinking chain. I went from nervous to motivated. all i can say is that up until now i have had a good time, ive never been picked on and those awkward years werent that bad, in retrospect. i always had older friends and never had to worry about freshman fridays. ive remained active and upbeat and made the best out of things and now a chapter of my autobiography is ending. its just, well ive never been much of a risk taker. and this is a pretty gnarly step through the intimidating doors.

1 comment:

  1. once upon a time at a fencing practice long ago i remember telling an especially wonderful little girl to enjoy the next two years, because they fly by! now you're graduating and i feel old and i miss you too!