facebook is a constant reminder of how far away i am.

and this time, ladies and germs, its not only distance. in my english class, we have had this overall motif in our readings that once a person leaves, that whole experience dies. even if the famous main character returns gloriously with banners and trumpet sound, that place will never be the same to the main character. that time away from the place has allowed other things to creep in and fill up space. though the death (and when i say death and birth etc i dont mean to get all emo for you, im not, im just so used to using those words) has allowed the birth of something new, it has made room for something else to happen, even if you go back things will never be the same. they can never be the same.

this is yet another high school encompassed post that is giving me a rapid heartbeat. so ill just spill my guts and hope i dont crack. LAWLS.

okay, so recently ive been finding myself on fbook, just being a creep as usual ;D and ill stumble upon a familiar face or a good friend and ill look at the photos and smile and think back and then the wall will pop up and a lot of writings are asking how the person is or how they like college or how they themselves are having a blast. and then i remember. its not so much the change or the milage but rather, its the fact that i have no choice but to go forward. WHAAA- you are thinking. i know, i want to be moving forward yeah yeah yeah but it was very nice having that back drop of home life and high school and the comfort zone of friends and now suddenly we are in different parts of the world and making our own names and making friends that others will most likely never meet. its making my heart flutter. i miss it. i really do. i mean the people annoyed me sometimes, the workload was redic these past two years and i had some of the best times ever in the hallways or in the classrooms or on the front practice lawn. i have the memories, yes i know, but its just unbelievable that i will most likely never see some of these people face to face again. oh we have facebook and all kinds of techy goodness but ill never be able to bump into them in the hallway on the way to guidance and ill never be able to make awkward small talk on the sandwich line with them again. and its not only that, but even if i do see them again, we will be different people. tim the baseball star does not only want to chat about APES with me, we will, instead, chat about WVU or UA. we will chat about the south or the mid-south, or wherever he is. we will reminisce. and that is mindblowing. people i grew up with, people i saw embarressing things from, people i went to middle school dances with are in college. i am in college. that is unbelievable. i've always had a hard time telling reality from dreams and this is def one of those times.

the part that i am most scared of, is my family. how will i go back to my life in NJ now that i have been here and have seen the things i have seen. what will my friends and i talk about? i am so afraid i will come back home and everything will be different. and it will all be because of me. new stores, new locations, new layouts, new roads, new signs, remodeling, construction, different people, less or more people, i cant take it. i dont fear the change, heck i got on the train pretty easily back in august but i mean, this is too much. its going to be october and i will turn 19 years old, 18 days into the month. i need things to slow down and i need them to return to normal. it was just yesterday i was applying to a redic number of schools. and here i am, on my dorm bed. without a roommate (can i get a woopwoop!) and i am enjoying it but its all too soon and all too fast. i miss running into Justin or Frankie or Ryan or all those random people i have known since we were all 5 and i miss making an awkward smile for them and i miss nervously chatting with them and then going back to class. i miss it. and i still am stunned i graduated from high school THREE MONTHS AGO.

tomorrow is october first. i cant take this.