7.02.2009

i don't wanna dream if it won't come true

i like that song but i can't find the song online. Conner Obst is the artist? Thats the problem with 91.1 and those "independent" stations, great music but no way to find them again! (like that french song "Dit Moi" MUST FIND!) anywhozles.
right now i'm feeling a bit blue and meloncholy and low and confused. (DISCLAIMER** - not directed towards anyone, i'm not vengful or angry i just don't get the world, please don't feel the need to talk to me about this, i'll probably delete this if i even post it) what the eff is up with the world these days? listen, i've had a crush on one guy for like 2 years now and its been up and down and all over the board. he has moved on and on and on after me (no relationship just "something") and here i am just chilling, hoping he'll like me again. i've told myself plenty of times that if that was to happen, i'd be like "you had your chance mister *snap snap*", but i still like him and get nervous infront of him and i know why i like this guy still, because - even if it was a long time ago - he treated like i wanted to be treated for a change, as someone who was pretty enough or nice enough or funny enough to be liked but then i think 'i might never be liked by another guy' or 'thats really cocky to say for someone like me'. or my friends will say "you could do better", not true my comrades, i've yet to have anyone else "better" be interested by me. am i a wet blanket? a loser? a freak? just plain ugly? does everyone think i'm a lesbian? I'M NOT. (a lesbian that is, the others = maybe?) i like to think of myself as well rounded. (in retrospect i'm acting pretty cocky here but still i have a point) i'm in honors classes, i'm a size 6/8, i'm not a b*tch! its mind boggling. i know, you never hear me complain and i shouldn't judge myself because i don't have a boyfriend. i know. but right now, i'm actually saying what i feel and right now i feel like i at least deserve someone to like me as more than an interesting person to talk to. it would be nice to have someone consider me as more than a friend. but its at the point where at 17, i've never had a boyfriend and i've never been kissed. pathetic? by today's standards - yes. (dude, i went to victoria secret two days ago and i told basically everyone helping me there that it was my first time and they all kept saying "NO WAY!" i mean, i had a changing room next to a 12 year old. WTF?) but i digress. okay, there are loads of girls who are strange and used for sex or arm candy and i don't want that. i don't want a 87 year relationship now, but a nice casual something or other that just goes with the flow would be welcomed. i feel like i'm putting out an ad. and i'm not just talking about myself right now. there are tons of girls i know who are smart and down to earth and funny and beautful and athletic and just great and they are single and unnoticed. its time someone else than the size 00000000000 are seen as beautiful. there are girls overlooked because they don't show their coochie-coochies and they don't know how to grind. i'm no feminist (how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?......ZERO, feminists can't change anything! ahahaha) but its completly insane for society to say whats pretty and whats ugly. $500 shoes are ugly, that money should go to the dying people all around the world because of lack of water or food or clothes not to something you'll step in the mud with. and some wrinkled, cheap hand made card is beautful because some little kid made it for their mom or dad because it was their birthday. (but who am i to say whats ugly and whats beautiful).

okay now i'm starting to realize it might not be a good idea to put out my innermost and kind of cocky thoughts out there so i better hit "publish post" now.

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