woahwoahwoahwoah. i stupidly found my two yearbooks from PV about 5 minutes ago and stupidly put on my SLEEP playlist with sad and slow songs on it. the combination did not make me sleep. damn. i'm going to be a senior, and though for the past year and a half i've been dreaming of this, saying things like I WISH IT WAS OVER ALREADY, i find that now it is upon us! - it being senior year, the "real world" as they say, and all things scary and new. - i thought i'd be excited, happy and willing to just step right into this new feeling of big man on campus and top of the totem pole but here i am, nervous and a little bit sick. it was just the end of school, i found a letter i wrote to myself way back in the middle of junior year telling me how happy i am its almost over and if it is already over to be happy still. not the case. i was just in Russia, OVER. i just began my internship, OVER. my kitchen was still old and gloomy, OVER. now i am about to be in band camp all next week, then school shopping and then soon applying for the next 4 years of my life. some friends will be freshman again, some will be sophomores again! NUTS! this is crazy. i saw my friends in this thick, green and white book and i saw their captions of "KEEP IT REAL PV" and "THANX MOM&DAD&BRO&SIS" and i saw their pictures from their high school parties and their crazy, fun times. and here i am. my senior pictures are already done, my captions are mostly done, now i have so much to do for college and time does not seem to stop or slow or even linger. summer is over, soon high school will be over, then college and then what? TWO YEARS ITS BEEN SINCE I WAS IN CHEMISTRY CLASS. and the laughs are still playing back like it was the same day. and the deep gash the boy i really fell for is still trying to be stiched up. and i am here. in the "present", that thin thin thin skinny line between PAST and FUTURE. 11:36 is in the past now. yep. jeez. how will it be when i'm 76. then my whole life will be behind me, unless there is some sort of elixer of life serum which is invented. but who wants to live forever anyway. i am controdicting myself? GEE, i dont even know what to say. i want to enjoy life and i want to be able to take a look around and be happy. and i dont want so much work that i cant be happy. its like those MAN MAN lyrics. "i just can't remember, january, straight through december." it just seems too fast. i don't feel like i think i should feel going into senior year. i mean i'm going to have to sit through sex ed, i am so immature! i dont want to face the day my cat is too old, i am not grown up to handle that. i've never gone to a funeral for my own family yet! i cant handle things, im just a kid. i cant even seem to consistantly use " ' " where it needs to be.

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