i am transformed.
my first college final and my favorite class are finished.
i feel so bittersweet about it. i know, i know, you've heard this all before.
i guess i never really got over my fear of major change. i am excited about going home and beginning another semester but this class was fantastic. i really loved it. our main focuses were about traveling and wandering and the solitary experiences we have. it was about eyes and being blind. we talked about faith and the journey of life. we spoke of nature and the fact that there is no true death, destruction is an act of creation. how nature's laws overrule our own artifical man made laws. there were rants of the transformation of I to You, of how a person becomes a skeleton, then the materials they have with them and finally they dissolve into the path they are on, of the indeterminacy of language and how we can only scribble because if we dote on exactly what is happening, detail for detail, word for word, when we look up from the page, we are another person, already transformed. it was about our transformations, it was about us.
this class and the works we read and the students and the professor were all too perfect for my first semester in college. so far from home, i read these books, i read the papers, i read my prof's notes and it all spoke to me. all these talks on life and religion and the wandering that we do and all the tranformations that happen to us collided and transformed me. i went into college not knowing what i wanted to do or be and scared to move and nervous to even walk alone, heck i didnt even know where i was going (literally and figuatively) and now i am here. having a solitary experience, literally and figuratively. i have changed, i have done something that i was and am afraid of. change. major change. i mean, i am still me and i still have my values and i am still scared to even talk to a boy sometimes, but my experiences this year have completly changed me and i will return to new jersey as a completly different person. i have new stories to tell and new people that i talk with and i have new fears and new strengths but i am still the same person. its so mind blowing. i feel like this class not only helped me through my first semester of freshman year but also gave me the eyes to see a new way of life. and with these brand new eyes, i am more motivated than before to follow through with my dream to be an english teacher. i know, people dream of being president or lawyers or doctors or actors but i want this. i love school, i love it so much. i hate homework and rude people and getting up at early hours but my pros outweigh the cons significantly. i love learning, i love meeting people and i love talking to them. i love walking around, sometimes in a rush, sometimes trying to go very slow, i love attempting to look presentable and i love to see how others portray themselves. i love being in class and hearing other opinions and learning things for school use and for every day uses. i love seeing the students and the teachers and the - a fellow student from my english class just walked into the library and sat down at the computer across from me, i dont think he saw me, but i will say hello to him and maybe chat about the english final with him. see i love this! - random people you see and greet and meet on campus. i love the impromtu chats with random people who sat next to you. i love how sitting by strange people in august ended with high fives and hugs and swapping of numbers and "see you next semester"s in december. i am happy as a student and i want to become a teacher and pass that happiness on. ive had so many teachers that dont care if you pass or fail, they only want to see their paycheck at the end of the day but ive had a few teachers that i could tell wanted me to get excited learning these things and even to do well in school and out of school. the good, once again, outweighed the bad.
(quick word on my professor for this class. he is extremely talented. he told my class that we were his favorite class of the 9 years he has been teaching and he told me he liked my blue coat and would, every day shut the lights off at the beginning of class and would thank US for class at the end. he is a great inspiration and i cant even begin to say how much he taugh us. he was so nonchalant about everything, teaching was so natural to him. he told us that he didnt even have a lesson plan, he would reread the books before class in starbucks and would make up questions and choose what we were talking about on his way to class. everything was relatable to some sort of music or classic tv show or famous person and everything was able to be broken down. the class was 50 minutes and three times a week and still i left class with heavier notes and a deeper understanding and more appriciation for what we read. it was all so relaxed and so friendly. did i have a teeny crush on him and his hipsterness? WHO DIDNT? i mean, everyone - all my female (straight and lesbian) friends in that class, my male friends (gay and straight) -would all talk about him but dont worry, nothing unhealthy, we all understood that our professor had a girlfriend. unfortunatly he told us he will be moving (i was SOOO awkward "...liiiiike, to another state?" oi.) NEXT WEEK! so i will never have him as a teacher again and i wont even like run into him on the quad. overall he will be missed and will be remembered.)
BREAK! i just over heard this and i think you should know this too:
so there are 3 people at the computer next to mine a boy and two girls and the boy has taken some sort of class on walking (not sure?) and they are talking about it, seriously!, and the girls dont believe this is a real class and he was like YEAH, ITS LEGIT, I HAD TO WRITE A PAPER ABOUT IT. LIKE HOW WE DO IT AND WHO DOES IT AND WHEN IT WAS INVENTED. (......i know) and one of the girls looks at him and smirks and says "who invented walking? are you serious? wasnt it like, Jesus?!" ..................................................................................... yeah.
i know what you might be thinking: she never wants to leave school. and i suppose i dont want to leave, in a way. though i am, as ive said before, afraid of major changes, this change i welcome with open arms. i want to be on the other side of the desk or lecturn and i would be honored to pass on some of the excitment i have to others. do i have rose colored glasses on? yes, but when dont i? i am overly excited about things, i am sometimes obnoxiously positive and i have a great faith in people. im sure people think im crazy and down here i dont exactly blend in, i mean i havent brushed my hair for, what?, two years? but ill let you in on a little secret, i may not be confident in everything i do and i really hate arrogant people, but i am pleased with who i am turning out to be. so do i want to stay in a school setting because i am afraid to grow up and stay in school because i am comfortable here and know i do well and that i would maybe fail at something else or that i am afraid to get a "real job" and have other major changes happen in my life? no. i want to stay in school and maybe help a young mind to have a little faith in people or to see the postives with the negatives, unlike those who would think these things.
may i jot down the quote the final words my professor wrote on the board?:
please write about
B) ___ [he let us choose the last two]
Secret Final (the final behind the final aka the real final:
"The months and days are the travelers of eternity. The years that come and go are also voyagers." Be Good.