people keep asking me what i want to do with my life.
and each time i say that i dont know.
the truth is, there are too many ways my life can go.
there is so much i want to do and see and experience that saying one thing would not do my dreams justice.
also, i dont want to put myself out there fully, like i dont want to have people expecting something out of me when, in the end, i might not complete it.
i think i could be happy anywhere, as long as i have good people around me.
the past 18 years have been great, and ill always love new jersey.
and now the next 4 years (hopefully it will be 4 years) will be in the south, enjoying each moment.
and then, after that maybe like 2 years in russia - studying music and church like my parents did
and then maybe getting my masters (for what, who knows) in new york city
and then after that anywhere.
and through all this time id love to stay on the west coast and travelling through a few countries when time allows.
the only problem: money, but when isnt that a problem? too much is bad for you and too little is bad for you. dont lets talk about it (as they say in some books/movies, it sounds weird but i like it!)
ill say it again, i want to do as much as i can and look back and be happy. i want to make as many friends as possible and see as many things as possible and yes, this is what everyone says. WELL I MEAN IT. im going to lug my sunglass collection and cover my fingers in rings and ill do this. ill keep you posted on how its going. actually you want to know why i want this? for my posterity (SAT word? :D) i want to fill road trip silence with my husband and lull my children to sleep and bake cookies with the grandchildren with my stories. i want pictures and missed kodak moments so that, like i did today, my following generations will make poloroid transfers with my slides and then pass down little anecdotes and be like "that katherine was a silly girl. she must have had a good life." and i want to be on my death bed content and smiling.
p.s. i got my prom dress. now you can rest easy.
5.28.2010
5.26.2010
5.12.2010
Katherine the Savage
on today's agenda, aka 'so i dont forget', we will speak about
1. my family and my religion and my time in ukraine
2. hybrids
okay, family. i got this. religion, i got this.
so for the past 4 days or so, i spent a lot of time with my family. not my american family that lives, at most, like 40 minutes away, this was the family i havent seen in months/years/ever. actually, most of the people i have never met before were not really family but they heard about my birth and ever since they have been praying for me and thinking/asking about me. i love them, they might as well be family. so i guess we'll start where all good stories begin, at the beginning. this will be hard.
its funny how things happen so fast. and its funny how so many things happen at the same time. do you ever wake up in the morning and think "okay, someone, somewhere is dying right now and someone somewhere is being born and someone somewhere is on a vacation and someone somewhere is crying"? i do that all the time. well, after many years of vacations and good fortune, my turn came. saturday, may 8th, my dedushka (grandfather) died in ukraine. it was planned to be a lazy saturday including a slow shower and possible shopping. at 1, the phone rang and we (my mom and I) didn't know who was on the caller id so we let it go to message. after listening to the message, which sounded funny and like my aunt not to mention: in russian, i called my mom and we listened to it together. my dedushka had passed away moments earlier. my mom called my dad, who was out, which was a terrible thing to do, having to repeat that his father had died because the only words he could stutter were "what???". we were on a plane that same night. its difficult to write this but i want to remember as much as i can and i want to get it out. ukrainian and russian and i guess all eastern european funerals are nothing like here. here, we build up death as sort of an outcast. we dont see it as part of life, as part of a circle. we have funeral homes and wakes and big lavish dinners. there, it was shocking. when i arrived to my grandparent's (now, my babushka's) home (a cute little 3 room apartment owned by a monastary/seminary that does not have a bathroom or running water (my babushka loves it, its a 1 minute walk to the monastary and only across the street from a park and stores and supermarkets and everything) my grandfather was lying on some wooden boards in clothes that he picked out, two religious shrouds, icons, crosses and superstitious items (blessed flowers, a covered up mirror, a glass of water with bread so the soul can eat, old world myths that all ). His coffin was finished but its some tradition to wait until the day of the burial. there were two seminarian guys who were reading 24/7 (litterally) and there was bustle in the kitchen. My babushka was being very brave and stolid and told us not to worry and feel sad. We stayed there as long as possible with people and family members. All had memories of me and of dedushka and it was really nice, even if I couldn't understand a word they were saying. It was all in their eyes. We returned to our hotel, which was in the monastary. Side Note: the monastary is wonderful. its not glum and dark like in all the movies, at least not Russian Orthodox ones. The cupolas are gold leaf and there are magnificent stained glass windows and even a little chapel made out of it and there is a church donated to the land from Tsar Nicholas II. And this is where, and Michelle knows about my dilemma with this, this is the place where the sky finally matches the landscape. She calls me crazy but here the beautiful sky does not fit in with the malls and nail salons and quick cheks.The insides are breath-taking. every scene from the bible, the creed in navy blue and gold wrapping the church and there are even relics of saints. its always packed and the men's choir was fantastic. the time we were there, it was the last day before ascention which is when Jesus goes back up into heaven 40 days after He has risen so the men's choir was singing all my favorite songs because Easter is my favorite time of year. I cried several times. everyone was really nice. there are rough male guards in army get-up there that are strict and we had to buy fake skirts to put over our pants after the plane ride but after we saw the guards (the one with beautiful blue eyes especially) a few times, they/he remembered us and it was good to have someone see you and nod in another country (thats not a family member). So the next day was my grandfather's funeral. it was extremely bittersweet. so many family members had come together in such short notice. My aunt and cousins and my babushka's sisters were all there and while we were laughing and talking, we remembered that we came together for a totally different reason. The funeral was nice. we said our goodbyes and it was beautiful. first my babushka stepped up, she who had been so calm broke down and hugged my dedushka for the last time. then my aunt and father went up. my dad asked for my dedushka's forgiveness and kissed him goodbye. my aunt fixed his hair and was not embaressed to sob. then as if the entire group knew, they all waited for the grandchildren. Yulka, the first born, bold and fire-y, Gleb, the only boy, quiet and passive and myself, the youngest. we each had our place - no one competed. then, my mother and the rest of the mourners. my dedushka was carried by foot by 6 seminarians, a priest lead the way along with a small male choir and then we all followed. we were quiet and listened to the choir and stopped along the way to hear the Gospel read and something amazing happened. something that I had only heard about. we litterally walked in the streets and the cars that needed to use that road infront or behind us all stopped. they turned off their engines and some even got out and blessed themselves. cyclists stopped and took off their hats. children stopped playing and ran to watch us. they all stopped and looked at the ground and when we had passed they all resumed what they were doing. but for those moments they grieved too. it was heart wrenching. i threw some dirt on my grandfather's grave like we were supposed to and walked back with Gleb - who I most relate to (we're both really content being quiet and peaceful and we both let Yulka do all the talking, we like to listen) - to the house and then we all laughed over the crazy day. I can't believe my dedushka is dead. and that is what is so sad. so many things i should have said to him. so many times i should have seen him. but we lived on different continents. my entire family is scattered. USA, Canada, Russia, Ukraine, and then who knows where all the others live! the next day we ate and shopped and visited my dedushka and best of all, went to church. we even ran into one of the singers of the choir (the who looked like a cat with his moustache and scars) who came up to us and was like "Christ is Risen" (which is what you say for 40 days after easter as a hello/goodbye). i liked him. and the day after that the goodbyes were tough. i miss my family so much, i felt so much love there. not that i dont feel it here, but i've been here so long and around the same family that i often forget that i have so much out of the states, and when i see them, its the love of people trying to fit in many memories. my cousins made me laugh and made me feel better when they saw i had been crying. i held onto my babushka like i would never see her again. because i didnt know when i would. she told me i was a good girl. i wish i stayed longer, but i was too afraid that i had too many absences only to find that it was all excused. i was so worried. the time in ukraine had stopped. it was like i never left ukraine, those 6 years before. it was like i hadn't just been there 3 days but my entire life. i had experienced so many emotions that everything was a dream. and when we were driving back to home, it was like i was never in the ukraine. it was like nothing happened even though so much had happened. i cried as i walked back through the monastary gates as i realized that i would not be spending the day here tomorrow. its funny. the first night i spent in ukraine, when i was like ... 12ish, i cried the entire night. i was touring my grandparents garden in the night (who knows, they were proud of it and i couldnt say no) and i cried because i hated it so much. i wanted to go home so badly. this time, the last night i was there, as i walked on the cobble stone and past the beggers and past the gaurds i cried. i cried because i wanted to stay. i had a terrible reason for being there but i never wanted to leave.
which segways into my next point, i am homeless. a hybrid of two worlds. poetic, i know. i dont know where i want to live for my life. and now that im moving down south to try it out down there, i may be adding another on my list. after that, id love to be in russia studying music and then after that i want to do my masters in new york city. but id love to live over on the west coast, specifically oregon or washington, somewhere green.
so yes, i hope this mess of a blog makes up for the like ... weeks since i posted.
1. my family and my religion and my time in ukraine
2. hybrids
okay, family. i got this. religion, i got this.
so for the past 4 days or so, i spent a lot of time with my family. not my american family that lives, at most, like 40 minutes away, this was the family i havent seen in months/years/ever. actually, most of the people i have never met before were not really family but they heard about my birth and ever since they have been praying for me and thinking/asking about me. i love them, they might as well be family. so i guess we'll start where all good stories begin, at the beginning. this will be hard.
its funny how things happen so fast. and its funny how so many things happen at the same time. do you ever wake up in the morning and think "okay, someone, somewhere is dying right now and someone somewhere is being born and someone somewhere is on a vacation and someone somewhere is crying"? i do that all the time. well, after many years of vacations and good fortune, my turn came. saturday, may 8th, my dedushka (grandfather) died in ukraine. it was planned to be a lazy saturday including a slow shower and possible shopping. at 1, the phone rang and we (my mom and I) didn't know who was on the caller id so we let it go to message. after listening to the message, which sounded funny and like my aunt not to mention: in russian, i called my mom and we listened to it together. my dedushka had passed away moments earlier. my mom called my dad, who was out, which was a terrible thing to do, having to repeat that his father had died because the only words he could stutter were "what???". we were on a plane that same night. its difficult to write this but i want to remember as much as i can and i want to get it out. ukrainian and russian and i guess all eastern european funerals are nothing like here. here, we build up death as sort of an outcast. we dont see it as part of life, as part of a circle. we have funeral homes and wakes and big lavish dinners. there, it was shocking. when i arrived to my grandparent's (now, my babushka's) home (a cute little 3 room apartment owned by a monastary/seminary that does not have a bathroom or running water (my babushka loves it, its a 1 minute walk to the monastary and only across the street from a park and stores and supermarkets and everything) my grandfather was lying on some wooden boards in clothes that he picked out, two religious shrouds, icons, crosses and superstitious items (blessed flowers, a covered up mirror, a glass of water with bread so the soul can eat, old world myths that all ). His coffin was finished but its some tradition to wait until the day of the burial. there were two seminarian guys who were reading 24/7 (litterally) and there was bustle in the kitchen. My babushka was being very brave and stolid and told us not to worry and feel sad. We stayed there as long as possible with people and family members. All had memories of me and of dedushka and it was really nice, even if I couldn't understand a word they were saying. It was all in their eyes. We returned to our hotel, which was in the monastary. Side Note: the monastary is wonderful. its not glum and dark like in all the movies, at least not Russian Orthodox ones. The cupolas are gold leaf and there are magnificent stained glass windows and even a little chapel made out of it and there is a church donated to the land from Tsar Nicholas II. And this is where, and Michelle knows about my dilemma with this, this is the place where the sky finally matches the landscape. She calls me crazy but here the beautiful sky does not fit in with the malls and nail salons and quick cheks.The insides are breath-taking. every scene from the bible, the creed in navy blue and gold wrapping the church and there are even relics of saints. its always packed and the men's choir was fantastic. the time we were there, it was the last day before ascention which is when Jesus goes back up into heaven 40 days after He has risen so the men's choir was singing all my favorite songs because Easter is my favorite time of year. I cried several times. everyone was really nice. there are rough male guards in army get-up there that are strict and we had to buy fake skirts to put over our pants after the plane ride but after we saw the guards (the one with beautiful blue eyes especially) a few times, they/he remembered us and it was good to have someone see you and nod in another country (thats not a family member). So the next day was my grandfather's funeral. it was extremely bittersweet. so many family members had come together in such short notice. My aunt and cousins and my babushka's sisters were all there and while we were laughing and talking, we remembered that we came together for a totally different reason. The funeral was nice. we said our goodbyes and it was beautiful. first my babushka stepped up, she who had been so calm broke down and hugged my dedushka for the last time. then my aunt and father went up. my dad asked for my dedushka's forgiveness and kissed him goodbye. my aunt fixed his hair and was not embaressed to sob. then as if the entire group knew, they all waited for the grandchildren. Yulka, the first born, bold and fire-y, Gleb, the only boy, quiet and passive and myself, the youngest. we each had our place - no one competed. then, my mother and the rest of the mourners. my dedushka was carried by foot by 6 seminarians, a priest lead the way along with a small male choir and then we all followed. we were quiet and listened to the choir and stopped along the way to hear the Gospel read and something amazing happened. something that I had only heard about. we litterally walked in the streets and the cars that needed to use that road infront or behind us all stopped. they turned off their engines and some even got out and blessed themselves. cyclists stopped and took off their hats. children stopped playing and ran to watch us. they all stopped and looked at the ground and when we had passed they all resumed what they were doing. but for those moments they grieved too. it was heart wrenching. i threw some dirt on my grandfather's grave like we were supposed to and walked back with Gleb - who I most relate to (we're both really content being quiet and peaceful and we both let Yulka do all the talking, we like to listen) - to the house and then we all laughed over the crazy day. I can't believe my dedushka is dead. and that is what is so sad. so many things i should have said to him. so many times i should have seen him. but we lived on different continents. my entire family is scattered. USA, Canada, Russia, Ukraine, and then who knows where all the others live! the next day we ate and shopped and visited my dedushka and best of all, went to church. we even ran into one of the singers of the choir (the who looked like a cat with his moustache and scars) who came up to us and was like "Christ is Risen" (which is what you say for 40 days after easter as a hello/goodbye). i liked him. and the day after that the goodbyes were tough. i miss my family so much, i felt so much love there. not that i dont feel it here, but i've been here so long and around the same family that i often forget that i have so much out of the states, and when i see them, its the love of people trying to fit in many memories. my cousins made me laugh and made me feel better when they saw i had been crying. i held onto my babushka like i would never see her again. because i didnt know when i would. she told me i was a good girl. i wish i stayed longer, but i was too afraid that i had too many absences only to find that it was all excused. i was so worried. the time in ukraine had stopped. it was like i never left ukraine, those 6 years before. it was like i hadn't just been there 3 days but my entire life. i had experienced so many emotions that everything was a dream. and when we were driving back to home, it was like i was never in the ukraine. it was like nothing happened even though so much had happened. i cried as i walked back through the monastary gates as i realized that i would not be spending the day here tomorrow. its funny. the first night i spent in ukraine, when i was like ... 12ish, i cried the entire night. i was touring my grandparents garden in the night (who knows, they were proud of it and i couldnt say no) and i cried because i hated it so much. i wanted to go home so badly. this time, the last night i was there, as i walked on the cobble stone and past the beggers and past the gaurds i cried. i cried because i wanted to stay. i had a terrible reason for being there but i never wanted to leave.
which segways into my next point, i am homeless. a hybrid of two worlds. poetic, i know. i dont know where i want to live for my life. and now that im moving down south to try it out down there, i may be adding another on my list. after that, id love to be in russia studying music and then after that i want to do my masters in new york city. but id love to live over on the west coast, specifically oregon or washington, somewhere green.
so yes, i hope this mess of a blog makes up for the like ... weeks since i posted.
5.06.2010
5.03.2010
i was asked what i will miss the most about Jersey.
I will miss the fashion freedom. being so close to nyc, anything goes around here. we've got the fashion capital right around the corner and that really lets those who wear what they like to be able to mix patterns and try all kinds of lengths and wear crazy shoes. im a bit worried that ill be looked at to be sort of different but the different that really burns bridges not the kind that makes you interesting.
oh well. i guess ill have be a trend setter. OH LA LA.
I will miss the fashion freedom. being so close to nyc, anything goes around here. we've got the fashion capital right around the corner and that really lets those who wear what they like to be able to mix patterns and try all kinds of lengths and wear crazy shoes. im a bit worried that ill be looked at to be sort of different but the different that really burns bridges not the kind that makes you interesting.
oh well. i guess ill have be a trend setter. OH LA LA.
5.01.2010
i met my room-mate. i have a dorm room (1409, the highest you can go, yikes! also kind of excited for the view!) my family is looking into taking the train down to alabama, isnt that fantastic? I CANNOT WAIT. i've begun buying things and looking out for things for college. its all really happening, isnt it? there is still so much to do for school. i am so ready to leave. some teachers i will miss, a lot of friends i will miss, but most of all i'll miss the comfort and stability. but i will become comfortable and stable in alabama after some time too. i'm nervous about the day after my family leaves me in bama - so much to do! i'll be rushing so i'm sure to meet many girls that way. still debating the million dollar band, i want to! i want to rest from marching band! ay! i can't wait for "bama bound" to set up classes - i'll want to deff take math asap so i can get it over with and then take some english classes and then photography or music classes. i'd like to sort of balance it so all my least favorites are the first to be done with (but not at the same time, that would kill me!) and then its easy riding from then on out! i finally got my calvin klein sunglasses with the flash drive in them, being "nerdy" never looked so good. ahhahaha, just kidding. i have to go to the cemetary today for a sociology assignment. at least i'll be with noel, we will visit her grandparents and uncle. lets see what else?: so much more list making to do! goodbye for now!
4.26.2010
it seems as if everything is falling into place. and i don't want to speak too soon or jinx anything but everything is sailing smoothly! this is a nice feeling. not everything has really sunk in though, i can't wait until it finally does!
the only thing that is making me uneasy is the fact that we are all leaving. "we" being my friends. for example, while chatting with my best friend, i suddenly realized "..wait, we're not going to the same school..." and that kind of stopped us in our tracks. we both started spouting nonsense like "lets not talk about that". oh boy. but its good, i want her and all my senior friends to go away and grow up as i want to go away and grow up. the wierd thing is that all the adults i know all say that they arent friends with their high school friends anymore. i mean, granted, they didnt have facebook or twitter or cell phone usage until later in life. thats a wierd thought.
the only thing that is making me uneasy is the fact that we are all leaving. "we" being my friends. for example, while chatting with my best friend, i suddenly realized "..wait, we're not going to the same school..." and that kind of stopped us in our tracks. we both started spouting nonsense like "lets not talk about that". oh boy. but its good, i want her and all my senior friends to go away and grow up as i want to go away and grow up. the wierd thing is that all the adults i know all say that they arent friends with their high school friends anymore. i mean, granted, they didnt have facebook or twitter or cell phone usage until later in life. thats a wierd thought.
4.23.2010
love cats.
today i had so much great times just driving around at like ... dusk time.
and now i downloaded a good The Cure song, my favorite?!
and i love not knowing when i will be hanging out with friends later, no really i do! i love getting that call thats like "LETS HANG OUT IN 20 MINUTES!"
i got my real license today! and apart from my cool and happy attitude being stepped on (what is so great about being professional?1?!? also the hours = HORRENDOUS), i had a blast! (cool picture!)
also, tomorrow i get to hangout with the little sister i never had (hi there, if you're reading this!) cant wait to promenade around the towns with her! looking fly and breaking hearts...or something like that!
woohoo! i love love love the beginnings of weekends!
today i had so much great times just driving around at like ... dusk time.
and now i downloaded a good The Cure song, my favorite?!
and i love not knowing when i will be hanging out with friends later, no really i do! i love getting that call thats like "LETS HANG OUT IN 20 MINUTES!"
i got my real license today! and apart from my cool and happy attitude being stepped on (what is so great about being professional?1?!? also the hours = HORRENDOUS), i had a blast! (cool picture!)
also, tomorrow i get to hangout with the little sister i never had (hi there, if you're reading this!) cant wait to promenade around the towns with her! looking fly and breaking hearts...or something like that!
woohoo! i love love love the beginnings of weekends!
4.22.2010
i have come to a time when i actually know what i want. well, for most things. college? i want to go to the university of alabama. now, this may not be a shock to you, or you, or you. but to me it is. it still hasn't sunk in that i'm a senior. and it's april. ehhhh. yes, i've said that i liked the campus and that the people were wonderful and polite and humble and kind but i never really admitted that i wanted to go. key word there people. so its true. and its weird to see my future in times new roman. now, nothing is set in stone, you know me and my family, everything until the last possible minute. but this time i set some time limits for my dad (the one whos against my decision - now before you go judging him and thinking he is this controlling over protective man of his little princess *flashy smile*, he isnt. i respect my father so much. hes experienced in any way. if youve got a problem, go to him! he is one of the last good, hard working, sometimes crazy men out there, trying to be the best and most of the time, getting there. i love him and understand that fairleigh ridiculous (aka: FDU) has given me a lot of money / all around cheaper, is close and not close at the same time, i would get a car, would live on campus, isnt a bad school, etcetecetecetc BUT! i want to get away) so we could come to a mutual conclusion with enough time to successfully send out acceptanc/denial letters to my colleges. three days. other than that, back to me. hah. whats all this submission, you say? why the wanting of parental approval? well, like we all know, i am nothing like the generation around me. i want to go to college/alabama knowing that back home my parents are proudly telling all church members and friend's parents and family members and anyone who asks, that i went to college/alabama. i want them to be happy too. i mean, they are paying for this and i am contributing nothing. i am so blessed. and i just want them to be happy too. i couldnt bear it if my family was torn apart. so, heres to a painless decision! back to what i want. its scary. not knowing if ill have a job. not knowing if ill be replaced by a computer. not knowing who and what is waiting in college/alabama.
i hope everything turns out alright! i just want to be comfortable in knowing where this once so hectic college path leads!
i hope everything turns out alright! i just want to be comfortable in knowing where this once so hectic college path leads!
4.15.2010
i've had an explosion of inspiration for my book project! i really think i'll finish this soon! like, at first i was very very excited about the project but then i got in a slump and was a little over whelmed thinking it was a lot to do and i really was scared to do any more to it but now after a few people told me they were excited to see the finished product i realized that i too should be excited. so i became excited again! and with that, waves of new ideas floated over me and i am happy and have to stop typing so i can go back to transforming this old 1961 medical directory book into some sort of art!
4.13.2010
It is so green outside. i remember once when i was smaller and i was traveling down the parkway to my grandparent's house in the spring i asked my mother when it would be summer again and my mother said "well, remember what Babee said, when the leaves turn green, then its summer". i love remembering things like that. i love hearing about things that people remember when they were little, its like a little looking glass into their past/childhood. i am so curious about people. anywhos, everytime its spring i just think of that. i know its not technically correct info, but if i ever have children, i plan on telling them that, just to keep that going and to keep them hopeful when the trees grow bear.
i'm a little more confident with my post yesterday. i talked to my friend about oregon. it sounds so nice there, id like to visit her at college! the south seems right. ive only known jersey all my life but there is so much out there i want to see. this sounds redundant. it is. but long story short, i want to go.
on another side note: i like a boy. and if you are a person i tell each and every little crush to, this is a fairly new one. (i know im such a girl!) why am i telling you this when i usually dont? i dont know, man. i was just talking to him online and im smiling. ahaha. jeez. alright so anyway, i just feel we are so young. you know? i am 18 years old, technically an adult, he is, what, 19? 20? and i feel like we are so young. now dont worry, there is no serious business going on, its just a simple, met him a few years ago, became friends, talk about music and cat videos and whatnot. anyway, youth, right. i feel like everyone is so young. so ready to jump head first into something when not even knowing enough correct information. there are so many people in school doing some serious things and like, they are babies! its amazing, how we loook at ourselves (teenagers) and see sophisticated people. i mean, we kindof are. we have jobs and responsibilities and sometimes we have a status and a reputation. but thats it: kindof. we dont pay the bills or the rent (well, most of us dont).
4.12.2010
you know, im a little frightened. i was fbook creepin' (a usual homework delay-er) and i saw the wall of a kid I was once friendly with back in Little Falls Middle school etc. and he said something along the lines of "so glad to be back in jersey" and whatnot. this really hit me. here i am/was/am being excited for college, for hoping to be able to leave NJ and experience the world around me. but, and this is the kicker, i love new jersey. i love the life that i live right now. sure i say all these classic "i can't wait to get out of here" lines but for the past 4 years - heck the past like ... 12 years, ive been comfortable, we've all been comfortable. and now its like class of 2010 and we throw up our caps and suddenly you havent seen the kids you used to see in the halls for 15 years and youre wondering if their wrestling career ever took off. i'm a little nervous now. even more knowing that wednesday we will be in the fourth and final marking period. so many good times at pv. so many weird times. but, like always, the good outshines the bad. its weird. and unsettling. i feel like there is a lot of unfinished business there. so many people i am not yet friends with. so many things not said or not done or too afraid to even think of doing. I HAVENT PULLED THE FIRE ALARM YET. ugh. (not that im this deviant thing or anything like that, just everytime im close to one, i have to pull away. ahaha) i dont know how to feel. its like two huge, heavy doors are creaking open and im right there in the middle, peeping through the crack and the doors creep-ily open by themselves and it is my move. of course i am afraid, when is it not in my character to not over think something or worry a bit, but i am more afraid of missing chances, of having my fears and resignations hold me back. of course i want to go, i want to begin being the lowest on the totem pole again. i want to make older friends again. i want to charm my teachers and have them remember me and not my SS number. I guess this post was just an external thinking chain. I went from nervous to motivated. all i can say is that up until now i have had a good time, ive never been picked on and those awkward years werent that bad, in retrospect. i always had older friends and never had to worry about freshman fridays. ive remained active and upbeat and made the best out of things and now a chapter of my autobiography is ending. its just, well ive never been much of a risk taker. and this is a pretty gnarly step through the intimidating doors.
4.11.2010
4.10.2010
There Are So Many Fake People Out There.
I mean, we are all fake. we all compete. we all want to get one step ahead. some of us wait for people to recognize us and our hard work. some wait and push ourselves up front and flaunt our strengths. you know, the 'squeeky wheel gets the grease' and all that jazz.
4.03.2010
4.02.2010
4.01.2010
10 things that make me happy. (something you wanted to know)
and yes, they are all number one!
1 wondering about the future. just thinking about the way i will feel when it will be 10 o'clock at night on June 25th. The first friday night of the summer. Imagine what it will actually feel like!!!!
1 my cat. Cocoa is a the size of a small dog (bigger than some!), has similar eyes to mine (gold and green as opposed to brown and green) and always saunters his way onto the bed/carpet/chair/desk/paper where you are. He is so cute and so well behaved
1 my family. der. of all the nutjobs in this world, i was blessed enough to get stuck with my family. they are all just the greatest with the best tastes!
1 FASHION: OHMYGOODNESS. albiet sunglasses, a very much needed button up or some white pants (yes, i took the plunge): I LOVE IT. it is wearable art! a way to express yourself! wonderful!
1 the motherland. Russia is so far away yet there isnt a day when i dont think about it. i miss it.
1 my hair. you know, i used to be real self concious about it, even going to lengths to [badly] straighten it. now ive really grown into loving each curl, each fly away strand of hair. i think i work it too :D
1 EASTER. my favorite holiday hands down. i love baking the bread with the family and i love the church services and i love not eating meat for 40+ days and then biting into that ham and just ... OH BOY ONLY LIKE TWO DAYS!
1 summer drives. i love fall and spring and winter but driving is best in the summer. i hate using the AC so when i was introduced to that idea of actually rolling down windows and using that to cool yourself off, i was like OHMYGOODNESSIMGOINGTODOTHISALLTHETIME. i remember the time i could tell fall began (i posted something about it, yes?) and now its just around the corner. get the CDs! get the best sunglasses! put some rings on! roll down those windows!
1 blogging. i love you cyber reader(s). i love being able to just typetypetype and its there and everyone can be like I AGREE or maybe even bring up a good point that i didn't think of. I love that i can choose to not post some things so that when i go back and read them i still think "i am so right". vain?
1 loving life. not so many people can open the front door after walking 2 miles from the school to your house and wonder "what did i think about just then?". i have no major problems. sure there are. but i mean, i love life. i think its mostly being a blessed person but also the way i see the world. i'm really laid back and i'm just trying to enjoy every moment of my life. cause you might get run over or you might get shot. SUBLIME.
and yes, they are all number one!
1 wondering about the future. just thinking about the way i will feel when it will be 10 o'clock at night on June 25th. The first friday night of the summer. Imagine what it will actually feel like!!!!
1 my cat. Cocoa is a the size of a small dog (bigger than some!), has similar eyes to mine (gold and green as opposed to brown and green) and always saunters his way onto the bed/carpet/chair/desk/paper where you are. He is so cute and so well behaved
1 my family. der. of all the nutjobs in this world, i was blessed enough to get stuck with my family. they are all just the greatest with the best tastes!
1 FASHION: OHMYGOODNESS. albiet sunglasses, a very much needed button up or some white pants (yes, i took the plunge): I LOVE IT. it is wearable art! a way to express yourself! wonderful!
1 the motherland. Russia is so far away yet there isnt a day when i dont think about it. i miss it.
1 my hair. you know, i used to be real self concious about it, even going to lengths to [badly] straighten it. now ive really grown into loving each curl, each fly away strand of hair. i think i work it too :D
1 EASTER. my favorite holiday hands down. i love baking the bread with the family and i love the church services and i love not eating meat for 40+ days and then biting into that ham and just ... OH BOY ONLY LIKE TWO DAYS!
1 summer drives. i love fall and spring and winter but driving is best in the summer. i hate using the AC so when i was introduced to that idea of actually rolling down windows and using that to cool yourself off, i was like OHMYGOODNESSIMGOINGTODOTHISALLTHETIME. i remember the time i could tell fall began (i posted something about it, yes?) and now its just around the corner. get the CDs! get the best sunglasses! put some rings on! roll down those windows!
1 blogging. i love you cyber reader(s). i love being able to just typetypetype and its there and everyone can be like I AGREE or maybe even bring up a good point that i didn't think of. I love that i can choose to not post some things so that when i go back and read them i still think "i am so right". vain?
1 loving life. not so many people can open the front door after walking 2 miles from the school to your house and wonder "what did i think about just then?". i have no major problems. sure there are. but i mean, i love life. i think its mostly being a blessed person but also the way i see the world. i'm really laid back and i'm just trying to enjoy every moment of my life. cause you might get run over or you might get shot. SUBLIME.
3.30.2010
okay okay okay
so its time that i began really doing what i want to do with this blog.
a little background info:
michelle got me hooked by taunting me with the possibility of making a daily fashion blog. I LIKED IT. I GOT HOOKED. ... IDIDNTDOIT. oops.
alright this is plan ladies and gents.
this blog will now contain photos of me/my "style" and little writings and thoughts ... confessions if you will? HUH HUH? okay.
so let me clean my room first and make it presentable to all you 7 followers i have. and then, let the flood gates open!
so its time that i began really doing what i want to do with this blog.
a little background info:
michelle got me hooked by taunting me with the possibility of making a daily fashion blog. I LIKED IT. I GOT HOOKED. ... IDIDNTDOIT. oops.
alright this is plan ladies and gents.
this blog will now contain photos of me/my "style" and little writings and thoughts ... confessions if you will? HUH HUH? okay.
so let me clean my room first and make it presentable to all you 7 followers i have. and then, let the flood gates open!
3.28.2010
i just watched a program about illegal body snatching. SO INTERESTING. this reminded me of how much i want to attend the Bodies exhibit. the only thing i would have to do would be to distance myself from the realization that they were actually, living and breathing human beings that walked around and cried and wanted to be touched. Humans facinate me. Our bodies facinate me. Not enough to become a doctor, mind you, but just enough to look from a safe distance and admire. (Not like a creeper?) Did you ever think of how we work? I know there are scientific names and facts that lay it all out but just think. My brain is sending messages to the nerves and joints and tendons in my fingers that make them move left to right and up and down, and i'm not even out of breath. i'm sure i just butchered that process up, but just go ask michelle how it works. I am so interested in how we take deep breaths and how they calm us down and how we feel better after a nice, long, deep, breath. i love it. Have you ever had your thumb uncontrollably flinching. hecticly thinking "I DONT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN!!!!" but there it is and you cant stop it. have you ever thought about cancer? how our bodies are so advanced that sometimes our own bodies have mutations and we dont even notice them because they assimilate into our bloodstreams or bone marrow or tissue. OH MY. its just facinating how we work. how we grow hair to heat our bodies and with clothing, we have learned that we dont need that much hair and then its just gone. or how our thumbs grip and clench and make our lives a heck of a lot easier in the food department. I see you moving your hand there! its wonderfully interesting as well as replusive, yes? what about how we eat. i could go for days on this! we eat a cheezit. it slides down to the stomach. it gets all decomposed. we take all we can out of it. (can we take anything from it? calcium perhaps?) the watery stuff is out one tube. the thicker stuff is out another. we eat another cheezit. cycles. we are, as i read in a poem, meat and bone. our corneas are worth 6000 doll hairs. our entire, intact body is worth 250000 doll hairs. and here were are trying to make a living ourself. trying to sneak a couple of cookies at night, drinking 5 glasses of water, because 8 glasses - no even 7 glasses - make you feel sick and we dont want a rerun like last time, do we?, and here we are watching TCM and the news and reading and walking and snapping pictures and accidently cutting our fingers on that darn thick plastic that so many things seem to be wrapped in these days. trying to get by. trying to catch the sunrise. trying to get to bed before 12 (HA). trying to enjoy our short time on earth. wondering whats after that but not really thinking it fully though because it really is mindboggling. oh well. so what am i saying? well: reach for the carrot instead of the chipsahoy. read that book you've been wanting to. todays the day to finally wear that slightly out-there outfit. dont wait for anything. do not save anything. because before you know it, you'll be in some black bag being chopped up and illegally sold to wannabe medical students. live on!
EDIT: so i said this on my facebook and im worried someone will think its some poppy song lyric, but its from me! i googled it! anyway, besides me being paranoid, i thought it fit here:
"I can move things with my mind, like my arms"
EDIT: so i said this on my facebook and im worried someone will think its some poppy song lyric, but its from me! i googled it! anyway, besides me being paranoid, i thought it fit here:
"I can move things with my mind, like my arms"
3.22.2010
Boy am I excited for the Altered Book Project. I just spent the last like ... hour or two outlining it all out, all the things I want to happen, all the materials I need, the questions I need to ask, the lyrics I will use and where to find a nice thick book!
AHHHH! I AM SO EXCITED. this is the best feeling.
AHHHH! I AM SO EXCITED. this is the best feeling.
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