so i saw inglourious basterds. if anyone wants to see it again or for the first time, i will go along with you. its real amazing. SO.
band camp is over, russia is over, summer is over. i have nothing to write about. i just feel like driving somewhere. at points i feel like i'm too young to be a senior and at times i feel like i'm too old to be in high school. (3 people already asked me where i was going to college). i want to run away and travel and see the world and sometimes i want to stay home and watch movies.
on another level, my legs are nice and strong from marching and moving around. horrah! didnt really get a crazy tan from band camp though :/. so what should i talk about guys? i really have no idea! i saw my friends whilst driving yesterday! they called my name at a stop light! got some good movies such as Sin City and Pulp Fiction that i'll be watching asap! i think i'll go grab some coffee now. maybe you should text me and we can do stuff???

woahwoahwoahwoah. i stupidly found my two yearbooks from PV about 5 minutes ago and stupidly put on my SLEEP playlist with sad and slow songs on it. the combination did not make me sleep. damn. i'm going to be a senior, and though for the past year and a half i've been dreaming of this, saying things like I WISH IT WAS OVER ALREADY, i find that now it is upon us! - it being senior year, the "real world" as they say, and all things scary and new. - i thought i'd be excited, happy and willing to just step right into this new feeling of big man on campus and top of the totem pole but here i am, nervous and a little bit sick. it was just the end of school, i found a letter i wrote to myself way back in the middle of junior year telling me how happy i am its almost over and if it is already over to be happy still. not the case. i was just in Russia, OVER. i just began my internship, OVER. my kitchen was still old and gloomy, OVER. now i am about to be in band camp all next week, then school shopping and then soon applying for the next 4 years of my life. some friends will be freshman again, some will be sophomores again! NUTS! this is crazy. i saw my friends in this thick, green and white book and i saw their captions of "KEEP IT REAL PV" and "THANX MOM&DAD&BRO&SIS" and i saw their pictures from their high school parties and their crazy, fun times. and here i am. my senior pictures are already done, my captions are mostly done, now i have so much to do for college and time does not seem to stop or slow or even linger. summer is over, soon high school will be over, then college and then what? TWO YEARS ITS BEEN SINCE I WAS IN CHEMISTRY CLASS. and the laughs are still playing back like it was the same day. and the deep gash the boy i really fell for is still trying to be stiched up. and i am here. in the "present", that thin thin thin skinny line between PAST and FUTURE. 11:36 is in the past now. yep. jeez. how will it be when i'm 76. then my whole life will be behind me, unless there is some sort of elixer of life serum which is invented. but who wants to live forever anyway. i am controdicting myself? GEE, i dont even know what to say. i want to enjoy life and i want to be able to take a look around and be happy. and i dont want so much work that i cant be happy. its like those MAN MAN lyrics. "i just can't remember, january, straight through december." it just seems too fast. i don't feel like i think i should feel going into senior year. i mean i'm going to have to sit through sex ed, i am so immature! i dont want to face the day my cat is too old, i am not grown up to handle that. i've never gone to a funeral for my own family yet! i cant handle things, im just a kid. i cant even seem to consistantly use " ' " where it needs to be.

dear little sister i never had "Jasco",

Russia - actually the World - awaits you.



(some of the pictures are out of order but

each one has a description at the bottom)





A look from the top of Saint Isaac's Cathedral. The city is huge and spans as far as you can see.

Another look from the top. They are constantly building and re-building, hence the cranes.

One of the many boys my mom tried to set me up with. My face says it all.

A church service. The walls are of marble and gold leaf. This is taken from the very back, many people came to pray.

Most "traditional" restuarants have a stuffed bear to please and impress the tourists. Of course I needed a picture, since I was a tourist.

There are many streets and many people in Saint Petersburg, yet you can count on a nice park or trail to be near-by.

On our way to the Hermitage Museum. The streets are lined with vendors and ancient architecture.

Some Russian graffiti. it says: "I love you".

Walking the streets. It seems far but the sights along the way make it lovely.

Saint Isaac's Cathedral - a look from the street. A typical beautiful, busy day.


love, big sister you never had "Katherine"

august is half over already. less time for summer. it seems like there is this huge clock somewhere around the corner from my house or deep in the corners of my mind that just keeps ticking. like the single tapping of the drumstick in "whalebones" by Man Man. 59, 58, 57, 56, 55 ... on and on. ceaseless. summer is basically over and what have i done? i've started a blog, read 3 books, went across the world, wore mostly skirts and dresses, but there is so much more to do. college applications already? more summer work? clean my room before band camp! it seems i've run into a dead end and junior year frights have returned. already i feel like i should gasp for air, enclosed like a bricked-up allyway around me. only way out is up. i've got to "take a bite of the bullet" and climb. problem? no motivation. breathing isn't that important! AH! damnit. this blog was supposed to be an outlet. and now here i am motivating myself (maybe you reader? want to get some work done?) oh well. i like the similie. 54, 53, 52, 51, 50 .....

it is august already. i still have a lot of summer work to do.

i realized i cheated you out of my trip to russia because of i was freaking out about college. sorry!
where to begin. lets see, something dramatic? Russia, the land of beautiful people, the land of tsars, the land of memorable fighting and the land of my ancestors. BUM BUMMMMMM. right. so whats happening in Russia in July of 2009? beautiful things, my friends. what really struck me is how for the last 17 years, i've blindly loved Russia, its true, i have. i've always been proud of what i saw in the pictures or what i remembered from my trip when i was 8 (i actually hated it, go figure ahhaha) and i've always loved it from what i've heard from news stories or just reminiscing. but this trip made me see what i've been "loving" and it really hit me in the face. i cannot describe how wonderful it was, IT IS. i've never loved/been more proud of/missed anything as much as Russia. lets just say, if i had the chance to move there after high school, i would in a blink of an eye. call me biased, but hear me out, if you are italian, go to Italy, if you are german, go to Germany (i've seen the airport, not bad Germany. haaha). where ever you are from, GO HOME. and i don't mean your home with your bed and your secret collection of stuffed animals that you can't give up, but your motherland, the land of YOUR ancestors. this trip really opened my eyes, i didn't see what i expected to see, i saw better things. going to Russia really made me consider life outside of the US. i mean, i don't always agree with all the US stuff, but i've never really thought of leaving, its comfortable here, i'm used to it. but Russia, i would move there and i don't fully know the language, but i know enough to squeeze by. walking the history lined streets (the buildings, the bridges, everything) its just breath-taking. i was so worried when i arrived in Russia that i would not love it, and now i am worried that i won't be able to stop yearning to go back. thats my home. i've lived in New Jersey my entire life, my family is here (most), my friends are all from here and i can't imagine life without them but when i woke up that second day in Russia, i realized that that huge country of snow and cities and life is where i belong. i thought i knew what i wanted, but now everything is out the window, i've been propelled back into that kolidescope of uncertainty and i don't know which way is out, the way i've known for so long - the one i'm so comfortable with or the one i've only just begun to understand. i'm in love with a country, a life that i can't have and probably can't afford, but its soso exciting. the walking around Saint Petersburg at night, there was absolute freedom - picture New York City with less people in a rush and more people in love with life, picture school with people who are interested in fun, interested in dining outside and interested in living life and not getting bogged down in work and hate and heavy feelings. its strange, i feel like i'm backstabbing my home for 17 years for one that i've only just met, hahah am i cheating on it? which brings me to my next point, traveling. i love it. airports, people you travel with - you could meet anyone just by sitting by them or being on line after them and your lives cross at this one point, maybe waiting 6 hours in Germany for a 7 hour plane trip to the US. there are so many people out there and i want to get the most of my life and i want to travel and see other cultures and see other people and maybe stay in a hut in some small, poor country and cry that i want to go home and then get used to the place and then love it. i want to help people everywhere (it sounds over-used but this i'm fascinated by societies and people and their beliefs and i want to learn and i want to teach and i want to help and i want to be helped) and i want to be happy and content with what i've got, cause life's short. (SUBLIME.) right so maybe i can learn how to put pictures up and you can see a fragment of my dreams. we all need to travel and get out of our little boxes. mentally and physically.

i'm feeling really overwhelmed by this college stuff. i feel like everything is so important and that if i mess up one bit ill just be a nobody and i feel like its all on my shoulders and i have to make very important decisions RIGHT NOW. some people have been thinking of college their whole entire lives, they've been studying and practicing sports with scholarships in mind. i haven't done any of that. i don't even think i'm the average high-schooler simply because i am not worried about college. and thats what scares me the most, i am so care-free right now when i feel like i should be hounding down college professors and taking the SAT II and ACT. i feel like i'm not taking enough time to sort out what i want or what i should want and i feel like i will not get the experience i want. i have no college that i've been dying to attend. i have no major that i'm dying to do. i think being an english teacher would be fun, i really like reading and helping people but who says thats what i want when im 30?! i feel like i'm at the bottom of the ocean and that i have no means and no desire to get to the top. thats the scariest part. i haven't visited any colleges, i don't know what i want to do and i can hear the clock ticking. when i was anxious to do college stuff, no one helped me and the internet sure isn't the way i want to learn about a place i'm living at for 4 years. and now when i'm, sort of lazy with college things i don't even know where to begin. all these websites i was given don't help me. what i need is a psychiatrist who will give me hard copies of things none of this online business. i don't care whats the percentage of whites in your university, i want to know what kind of student you will take. i don't care how many minutes away from NYC your college is, i want to know how much it will cost my parents! i feel like if you can come out of your junior and senior year of highschool somewhat sane, after all the talks and meetings and phone calls and learning and college stuff, you should be able to go. these SATs, GPAs, LMNOPs really, i just want to come out of high school alive. best time of your life? i really hope not. and another thing. the cost of college. HELLO? i mean, whats the point of spending millions of dollars at one college when the degree you get at the end, is the same as one thats half a million? and also - whats the deal with college being so darn expensive???? books, okay, but sending me to an "okay" college will be the same as if my parents bought a new car. every year. i don't see where the incentive is. it's happened with food. why would someone pay $30 for a healthy meal when they can get a fast and tasty, albiet unhealthy meal for $7. where is the incentive to eat better? i just don't see the big scha-bang that is neccessary for going to college. its all so complicated and i want it to be over right now. how do i know which college is "right for me"? i'm so young, i'm not even allowed to drive past 12AM and you want me to make a decision that will (or at least feels like) determine the rest of my life? i feel so helpless and all the computer can give me is 35 matches to "Penn State".

2 things:

i don't know how to spell "incentive", is that right? ha, some english teacher i'll be.

and after reading this over i feel even more frazzeled (Spelling?!!?!) and i'm not even going to bother to take out the mistakes for fear of exploding.

jeez. its the 9th already? gee-wizz, it feels like the entire summer has gone by so quickly. why couldn't junior year have gone equally as quick? haha times fun when you're having flies. or something like that ;D
So! today is technically my favorite day of my whole trip to russia (btw i'm going to russia ahaha) you want to know why? well it is simply because i love airports. i love sitting there and waiting for the planes, i love being around other people who are going on a trip, i love the little stores they have, i love just everything. plus, these moments that i'm taking to write this in are the best too. can you guess why? because everything is ahead of me. my entire 7 hours to germany, 2 hours to st. petersburg and then my entire vacation in russia is ahead of me. and maybe you, my trusted reader(s) will be reading this when ever you stumble upon it, maybe tomorrow, maybe after i return. and thats just crazy since before you/i will know it, i'll be back in my bed trying to catch up on sleep and/or telling you how it was.
so enjoy your 11 days without me! dusvidaniya!

i don't wanna dream if it won't come true

i like that song but i can't find the song online. Conner Obst is the artist? Thats the problem with 91.1 and those "independent" stations, great music but no way to find them again! (like that french song "Dit Moi" MUST FIND!) anywhozles.
right now i'm feeling a bit blue and meloncholy and low and confused. (DISCLAIMER** - not directed towards anyone, i'm not vengful or angry i just don't get the world, please don't feel the need to talk to me about this, i'll probably delete this if i even post it) what the eff is up with the world these days? listen, i've had a crush on one guy for like 2 years now and its been up and down and all over the board. he has moved on and on and on after me (no relationship just "something") and here i am just chilling, hoping he'll like me again. i've told myself plenty of times that if that was to happen, i'd be like "you had your chance mister *snap snap*", but i still like him and get nervous infront of him and i know why i like this guy still, because - even if it was a long time ago - he treated like i wanted to be treated for a change, as someone who was pretty enough or nice enough or funny enough to be liked but then i think 'i might never be liked by another guy' or 'thats really cocky to say for someone like me'. or my friends will say "you could do better", not true my comrades, i've yet to have anyone else "better" be interested by me. am i a wet blanket? a loser? a freak? just plain ugly? does everyone think i'm a lesbian? I'M NOT. (a lesbian that is, the others = maybe?) i like to think of myself as well rounded. (in retrospect i'm acting pretty cocky here but still i have a point) i'm in honors classes, i'm a size 6/8, i'm not a b*tch! its mind boggling. i know, you never hear me complain and i shouldn't judge myself because i don't have a boyfriend. i know. but right now, i'm actually saying what i feel and right now i feel like i at least deserve someone to like me as more than an interesting person to talk to. it would be nice to have someone consider me as more than a friend. but its at the point where at 17, i've never had a boyfriend and i've never been kissed. pathetic? by today's standards - yes. (dude, i went to victoria secret two days ago and i told basically everyone helping me there that it was my first time and they all kept saying "NO WAY!" i mean, i had a changing room next to a 12 year old. WTF?) but i digress. okay, there are loads of girls who are strange and used for sex or arm candy and i don't want that. i don't want a 87 year relationship now, but a nice casual something or other that just goes with the flow would be welcomed. i feel like i'm putting out an ad. and i'm not just talking about myself right now. there are tons of girls i know who are smart and down to earth and funny and beautful and athletic and just great and they are single and unnoticed. its time someone else than the size 00000000000 are seen as beautiful. there are girls overlooked because they don't show their coochie-coochies and they don't know how to grind. i'm no feminist (how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?......ZERO, feminists can't change anything! ahahaha) but its completly insane for society to say whats pretty and whats ugly. $500 shoes are ugly, that money should go to the dying people all around the world because of lack of water or food or clothes not to something you'll step in the mud with. and some wrinkled, cheap hand made card is beautful because some little kid made it for their mom or dad because it was their birthday. (but who am i to say whats ugly and whats beautiful).

okay now i'm starting to realize it might not be a good idea to put out my innermost and kind of cocky thoughts out there so i better hit "publish post" now.

sometimes you really feel gravity. you feel it when you step on the scale or when you fall but you feel it even more when you are alone. about 10 minutes ago, about 9:40ish i went outside to lay and look at the stars. well, there were too many clouds to see stars, so i focused on something else. gravity, earth. did you ever stop whatever you were doing because you had the urge to look at the world around you? well, lying on my beach blanket, with my toes in the freshly cut grass and the suprisingly cold wind blowing on my legs, i noticed how fast we are traveling towards morning, towards autumn. the clouds wizzed by and made and broke shapes. and thats when i felt gravity. it was just like a string tied somewhere in my "core" was being pulled down really hard actually. i don't really notice that stuff when i'm dancing about on my two feet or when i'm tossing and turning on my bed but just then it was amazing. there are astonishing things i see everyday now that it's summer. the pendulum in my mind has been so tired of rules and school that its evening out by making me want to explore and relax and just watch. go outside and lay down or come into my backyard and do it, feel the earth.

do you believe in destiny? in fate? or in chance meetings? what about love? sure these words are thrown around and not taken seriously but something makes me wonder about them. there is no defined answer for any of these. for love, its when you have butterflies in your stomach or a rapid heart beat. the best one has to be: "when you're in love, you'll just know". for someone not in love, thats the worst thing to hear, asking "BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW?"
what has sparked these thoughts? graduation and this year's yearbook. the first page is filled with a little thing called chance. there are 7 continents, about 195 countries in the world, 50 states, 21 counties in NJ, and hundreds of towns to live in. but by some grace, you have landed in either little falls, totowa or west paterson. who says your best friend is the best person you'll ever meet? how is it that the person who knows you best, makes you laugh and supports you when you cry just happened to be in the same town or near by? its wonderful we've all found best friends but couldn't we do the same, say, if we were in missouri? canada? whats the chance you meet the person who has stolen your heart in one of your high school classes? this is complete craziness people!
chance is so undependable yet it is everywhere and we build our lives around it. coincidences? miracles? call it what you may, its everything and nothing at the same time. you walk down the hallway and of 1,000 plus kids, you just happen to see the boy you have a crush on? and what about meeting again, after moving apart? i've read (what a creep!) that there is a "love destiny" inwhich love brings together and pulls apart people. i don't neccessarily (spelling?) believe in this but its a comfortable thought. just think, the person you felt so deeply for might just return. its a nice la-la land situation. i'm no realist, nor do i live in illusions but somewhere in the middle, where sometimes reality is just too crazy and you need to think of a better world. but meeting again, thats a nice thought. would you still be crazy for the other person? and what if the other person had moved on. here you are, an awkward second meeting, with a lop-sided relationship. the world works in mysterious ways.
so what is my conclusion? i'll pull a trick like those shows that are sometimes on the discovery channel or history channel "Is there really a loch ness monster?" and say "we dont know right now, could be, could not be. we'll tell you later, just keep watching" and say i know nothing more about love or destiny or chance meetings than i did before, only now i just feel a little sad. so congrats class of 2009, enjoy it while it lasts,





whatever IT is.

another day another dollar

i didn't know you could have titles! so here we are, we are here. another summer of talking with people about doing fantastic things and then never carrying them out. so be it. i find i have more fun waiting and anticipating the action then actually doing it. summer will be an exciting time, and i'll be sure to dish it all out to you, all 2 of you that is. so what do i want to do for the summer months?

sleep in to at least 10!
join a swimming pool and stick with it!
do that internship (i hope it will be fun)!
discover a lot more music or at least really listen to it!
drive more and become more comfortable (plus get a new iPod adapter, the one i have stinks)!
movie nights (no ifs, ands or buts)!
spend as much time as possible with my grandparents!
that fashion blog michelle was talking about!
actually get a tan!
summer work (i made a list of deadlines and i really want to adhere to them)!
day trips to NYC (walking, reading, shopping, getting lost)!
more blogging (this is fun)!
read books (sooo many)!
dude fastfood runs with tala!
weird NJ trip!
just chilllllllllll!

also:
college stuff, but this one gets no ! because i dont want to do this.

how exciting!

Sunshine, Sunshine Is Fine.
I can't wait. It seems like it took forever to get here and now that it's here, it doesn't feel like it. This rain, this chill is pushing back my full enjoyment of summer. But don't you know, when its overly hot, I'll be the first one to say something like "I WISH IT WAS RAINING!". Oh Fickle Man! I've been able to quickly put outfits together these days. Today was a black, grey, white and yellow outfit that actually worked. I'll probably wear it on Monday or Tuesday, whichever is the more gross day. I went shopping with my mom the other day and picked out some nice skirts, can't wait to be able to use them. I've made a vow, FYI, which states the skirts will be worn at least 4 days out of 7 days. (Dresses may be worn as well) I would like to buy a sash, a large sun hat and a few more choice items that will truly make the outfit. Also, I made specific dates by which certain summer work pieces shall be done. I MUST ABIDE BY THIS! must go and finish studying/planning tomorrows outfit!

The Last Day of School. well, technically.

I am undecided on how I feel. This is the day I've been looking forward to this entire year. I should be estatic, jumping for joy, making plans. But I'm sitting here feeling a bit sorry that another year went by and how time is just slipping away. Oh well. No use crying over spilled milk, or something like that. Does that even fit? ahaha, oh well. Maybe I'd like to be on the other side of the fence for after we've graduated, cause this side is getting too sad for me! Today in my 8th period class, this one senior guy was just streching and I noticed he already looked like a college guy. That young, high school boy had left. I guess you just have to go with the flow.

My friend Mike just sent me a picture of a guy in a band and you know whats strange? How we all look different. How everything we are like, we look like, we sound like, we like, are all in these cells. This guy's eyes were nice, blue and clear. And my cat sitting and looking at me is all black and furry and sweet all because of a chance meeting of his parents back in paterson. I guess what I'm talking about for this whole long entry, is that most of our lives depend on chance which is such an undependable thing in itself, don't you think? I mean who we marry and spend the rest of our lives depends on some sort of random meeting, maybe getting into the same class or college, maybe just seeing eachother on the bus. Heck, my life depended on my mother going to Russia and deciding to stay 4 years instead of just 1. And now, the graduating class of 2009 will go out and make their own mistakes that will eventually lead to major decisions. This reminds me of The Domino Theory (well kind of, only minus the whole country aspect, more like one thing leads to another) or maybe like Final Destination.

So this is a blog, huh? In case you're wondering, I just wanted some sort of connection to the outside world because Twitter is not working out so nicely. Oh this auto-saves! Nifty! So what will I put into my blog you are wondering? (Yes, I'm talking towards you, Jasco!) Well, anything I want - take that society! I'll tell you about myself and tell you about what I'm listening, in case you go home wondering that. I'm listening to Fleet Foxes currently. So, yes. This isn't as excited as I was hoping, maybe it'll pick up! SO! Why the name? Why "Confessions From The Girl Who Took Your Cat"? Well, I like cats but I don't steal them. Honestly, I jacked it from my top 3 bands (there may be more, but right now its down to three), "Flowers From The Man Who Shot Your Cousin". BTW, whats up with the record stores who don't sell his album?! I mean, iTunes does, but it's the "Clean" Version. Whats the point?!
Well this has gone on for long enough, I must dash to think of something witty to put into my profile. See Ya!

Are you still wondering what my top 3 bands are? If you are they are Pink Floyd, Flowers... and Atmosphere. Go ahead, judge me!