i've had an explosion of inspiration for my book project! i really think i'll finish this soon! like, at first i was very very excited about the project but then i got in a slump and was a little over whelmed thinking it was a lot to do and i really was scared to do any more to it but now after a few people told me they were excited to see the finished product i realized that i too should be excited. so i became excited again! and with that, waves of new ideas floated over me and i am happy and have to stop typing so i can go back to transforming this old 1961 medical directory book into some sort of art!

It is so green outside. i remember once when i was smaller and i was traveling down the parkway to my grandparent's house in the spring i asked my mother when it would be summer again and my mother said "well, remember what Babee said, when the leaves turn green, then its summer". i love remembering things like that. i love hearing about things that people remember when they were little, its like a little looking glass into their past/childhood. i am so curious about people. anywhos, everytime its spring i just think of that. i know its not technically correct info, but if i ever have children, i plan on telling them that, just to keep that going and to keep them hopeful when the trees grow bear.

i'm a little more confident with my post yesterday. i talked to my friend about oregon. it sounds so nice there, id like to visit her at college! the south seems right. ive only known jersey all my life but there is so much out there i want to see. this sounds redundant. it is. but long story short, i want to go.

on another side note: i like a boy. and if you are a person i tell each and every little crush to, this is a fairly new one. (i know im such a girl!) why am i telling you this when i usually dont? i dont know, man. i was just talking to him online and im smiling. ahaha. jeez. alright so anyway, i just feel we are so young. you know? i am 18 years old, technically an adult, he is, what, 19? 20? and i feel like we are so young. now dont worry, there is no serious business going on, its just a simple, met him a few years ago, became friends, talk about music and cat videos and whatnot. anyway, youth, right. i feel like everyone is so young. so ready to jump head first into something when not even knowing enough correct information. there are so many people in school doing some serious things and like, they are babies! its amazing, how we loook at ourselves (teenagers) and see sophisticated people. i mean, we kindof are. we have jobs and responsibilities and sometimes we have a status and a reputation. but thats it: kindof. we dont pay the bills or the rent (well, most of us dont).

you know, im a little frightened. i was fbook creepin' (a usual homework delay-er) and i saw the wall of a kid I was once friendly with back in Little Falls Middle school etc. and he said something along the lines of "so glad to be back in jersey" and whatnot. this really hit me. here i am/was/am being excited for college, for hoping to be able to leave NJ and experience the world around me. but, and this is the kicker, i love new jersey. i love the life that i live right now. sure i say all these classic "i can't wait to get out of here" lines but for the past 4 years - heck the past like ... 12 years, ive been comfortable, we've all been comfortable. and now its like class of 2010 and we throw up our caps and suddenly you havent seen the kids you used to see in the halls for 15 years and youre wondering if their wrestling career ever took off. i'm a little nervous now. even more knowing that wednesday we will be in the fourth and final marking period. so many good times at pv. so many weird times. but, like always, the good outshines the bad. its weird. and unsettling. i feel like there is a lot of unfinished business there. so many people i am not yet friends with. so many things not said or not done or too afraid to even think of doing. I HAVENT PULLED THE FIRE ALARM YET. ugh. (not that im this deviant thing or anything like that, just everytime im close to one, i have to pull away. ahaha) i dont know how to feel. its like two huge, heavy doors are creaking open and im right there in the middle, peeping through the crack and the doors creep-ily open by themselves and it is my move. of course i am afraid, when is it not in my character to not over think something or worry a bit, but i am more afraid of missing chances, of having my fears and resignations hold me back. of course i want to go, i want to begin being the lowest on the totem pole again. i want to make older friends again. i want to charm my teachers and have them remember me and not my SS number. I guess this post was just an external thinking chain. I went from nervous to motivated. all i can say is that up until now i have had a good time, ive never been picked on and those awkward years werent that bad, in retrospect. i always had older friends and never had to worry about freshman fridays. ive remained active and upbeat and made the best out of things and now a chapter of my autobiography is ending. its just, well ive never been much of a risk taker. and this is a pretty gnarly step through the intimidating doors.

tall men with deep voices have such deep voices because they have long vocal chords.

i met a tall russian man today.

There Are So Many Fake People Out There.

I mean, we are all fake. we all compete. we all want to get one step ahead. some of us wait for people to recognize us and our hard work. some wait and push ourselves up front and flaunt our strengths. you know, the 'squeeky wheel gets the grease' and all that jazz.

in case you were wondering, i am out of my rut.


Speaking of which: Rut's Hut. It is a good place to eat? Y / N ?

i still feel the way i did when i wrote my last post (the one i deleted, this has taken it's place). i deleted it because seeing it in writing is very hard.

10 things that make me happy. (something you wanted to know)
and yes, they are all number one!

1 wondering about the future. just thinking about the way i will feel when it will be 10 o'clock at night on June 25th. The first friday night of the summer. Imagine what it will actually feel like!!!!

1 my cat. Cocoa is a the size of a small dog (bigger than some!), has similar eyes to mine (gold and green as opposed to brown and green) and always saunters his way onto the bed/carpet/chair/desk/paper where you are. He is so cute and so well behaved

1 my family. der. of all the nutjobs in this world, i was blessed enough to get stuck with my family. they are all just the greatest with the best tastes!

1 FASHION: OHMYGOODNESS. albiet sunglasses, a very much needed button up or some white pants (yes, i took the plunge): I LOVE IT. it is wearable art! a way to express yourself! wonderful!

1 the motherland. Russia is so far away yet there isnt a day when i dont think about it. i miss it.

1 my hair. you know, i used to be real self concious about it, even going to lengths to [badly] straighten it. now ive really grown into loving each curl, each fly away strand of hair. i think i work it too :D

1 EASTER. my favorite holiday hands down. i love baking the bread with the family and i love the church services and i love not eating meat for 40+ days and then biting into that ham and just ... OH BOY ONLY LIKE TWO DAYS!

1 summer drives. i love fall and spring and winter but driving is best in the summer. i hate using the AC so when i was introduced to that idea of actually rolling down windows and using that to cool yourself off, i was like OHMYGOODNESSIMGOINGTODOTHISALLTHETIME. i remember the time i could tell fall began (i posted something about it, yes?) and now its just around the corner. get the CDs! get the best sunglasses! put some rings on! roll down those windows!

1 blogging. i love you cyber reader(s). i love being able to just typetypetype and its there and everyone can be like I AGREE or maybe even bring up a good point that i didn't think of. I love that i can choose to not post some things so that when i go back and read them i still think "i am so right". vain?

1 loving life. not so many people can open the front door after walking 2 miles from the school to your house and wonder "what did i think about just then?". i have no major problems. sure there are. but i mean, i love life. i think its mostly being a blessed person but also the way i see the world. i'm really laid back and i'm just trying to enjoy every moment of my life. cause you might get run over or you might get shot. SUBLIME.

okay okay okay

so its time that i began really doing what i want to do with this blog.

a little background info:
michelle got me hooked by taunting me with the possibility of making a daily fashion blog. I LIKED IT. I GOT HOOKED. ... IDIDNTDOIT. oops.

alright this is plan ladies and gents.
this blog will now contain photos of me/my "style" and little writings and thoughts ... confessions if you will? HUH HUH? okay.

so let me clean my room first and make it presentable to all you 7 followers i have. and then, let the flood gates open!

i just watched a program about illegal body snatching. SO INTERESTING. this reminded me of how much i want to attend the Bodies exhibit. the only thing i would have to do would be to distance myself from the realization that they were actually, living and breathing human beings that walked around and cried and wanted to be touched. Humans facinate me. Our bodies facinate me. Not enough to become a doctor, mind you, but just enough to look from a safe distance and admire. (Not like a creeper?) Did you ever think of how we work? I know there are scientific names and facts that lay it all out but just think. My brain is sending messages to the nerves and joints and tendons in my fingers that make them move left to right and up and down, and i'm not even out of breath. i'm sure i just butchered that process up, but just go ask michelle how it works. I am so interested in how we take deep breaths and how they calm us down and how we feel better after a nice, long, deep, breath. i love it. Have you ever had your thumb uncontrollably flinching. hecticly thinking "I DONT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN!!!!" but there it is and you cant stop it. have you ever thought about cancer? how our bodies are so advanced that sometimes our own bodies have mutations and we dont even notice them because they assimilate into our bloodstreams or bone marrow or tissue. OH MY. its just facinating how we work. how we grow hair to heat our bodies and with clothing, we have learned that we dont need that much hair and then its just gone. or how our thumbs grip and clench and make our lives a heck of a lot easier in the food department. I see you moving your hand there! its wonderfully interesting as well as replusive, yes? what about how we eat. i could go for days on this! we eat a cheezit. it slides down to the stomach. it gets all decomposed. we take all we can out of it. (can we take anything from it? calcium perhaps?) the watery stuff is out one tube. the thicker stuff is out another. we eat another cheezit. cycles. we are, as i read in a poem, meat and bone. our corneas are worth 6000 doll hairs. our entire, intact body is worth 250000 doll hairs. and here were are trying to make a living ourself. trying to sneak a couple of cookies at night, drinking 5 glasses of water, because 8 glasses - no even 7 glasses - make you feel sick and we dont want a rerun like last time, do we?, and here we are watching TCM and the news and reading and walking and snapping pictures and accidently cutting our fingers on that darn thick plastic that so many things seem to be wrapped in these days. trying to get by. trying to catch the sunrise. trying to get to bed before 12 (HA). trying to enjoy our short time on earth. wondering whats after that but not really thinking it fully though because it really is mindboggling. oh well. so what am i saying? well: reach for the carrot instead of the chipsahoy. read that book you've been wanting to. todays the day to finally wear that slightly out-there outfit. dont wait for anything. do not save anything. because before you know it, you'll be in some black bag being chopped up and illegally sold to wannabe medical students. live on!

EDIT: so i said this on my facebook and im worried someone will think its some poppy song lyric, but its from me! i googled it! anyway, besides me being paranoid, i thought it fit here:

"I can move things with my mind, like my arms"

Boy am I excited for the Altered Book Project. I just spent the last like ... hour or two outlining it all out, all the things I want to happen, all the materials I need, the questions I need to ask, the lyrics I will use and where to find a nice thick book!

AHHHH! I AM SO EXCITED. this is the best feeling.

Must Be 500 Hundred Degrees!

I can't seem to not be talking about Prom. I find it to be so stressful. Is it really worth it? I need to find a dress that I won't look ridiculous in. I need to find a date (me asking someone, dear sweet good gravy). I have to do all this thinking about hair and shoes and nails and AM I TAN ENOUGH? this is insane. I'll tell you what I think will happen. I will not have the courage to ask someone, anyone, no one! and I'll either go alone or not go at all. I do want to go though, like its a high school staple, and I do want someone to ask me. Is that childish? To still hope for that perfect prom? Boy, am I a valley girl. I mean, jeez louise, what am I going to do?
Its 2 AM and I'm typetypetyping away, spilling my true feelings. I wish this was easier. I hope everything turns out surprisingly okay but soon. JEEZ. NOTHING WILL TURN OUT OKAY, WILL IT?






ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. nuts.

hey.

i just googled this blog and i found it.

i'm the first thing that comes up after you hit SEARCH.

thats right, originality.



i just remembered eating chipotle in the rain in michelle's new house/porch.
do you remember that michelle? i got you wendy's as a house warming gift. ahaha.

hungry humans, we've got to eat some of them.

i really like driving. sure it's a death trap wrapped in solid metals and sure the fuzz scares the crapola out of me but isn't it wonderful when you're just cruizing around, listening to music. or when you are sitting in the back seat and you've got 3 of your best pals and you guys are looking for trouble and/or ice cream with the windows down and the music up?

lets share a memory, shall we?

the facts: summer, 2008.
the background: School had just ended, graduation was over, summer heat was here.
the music: man man, the east clubbers, basically noel's techno and julieanne's indie
the scene: summer was in full blast and people were throwing bbqs/bday parties/just hanging out at homes and, as i usually do, i over thought about what to wear and whether or not i should bring a tray of brownies. (i did, big success). i was so nervous, and considered not even going, since i was hanging out with these cool older kids and, as a sophomore, i was thrilled! (still am thrilled!). ended up going and we had a blast. we went from hanging out at one house to another house back to original house and it was wonderful. the night ended (and this i will never forget) with a few people going to montclair to get ice cream, which was closed. it was beautiful, let me tell you, the sky was that wonderful misty grey with the splashes of summer reds/oranges/yellows/pinks turning to purples and blues and wearing a dress was not a problem with the wonderful dry heat that i love. i'll never forget how windy it was, all the windows were rolled down (by hand!) and the music was wonderful and we all sat in a mutual and calm silence just taking it in.
ever since then i love driving with all the windows down.

i had so much fun. i can't wait for summer.

Did you feel the change in temperature and in mood? If you have driven a car, have you felt the warm summer/spring air instead of the chilly wind?

I wore shorts today. I walked home today. I walked home today in a dress. I feel so happy that warm days are returning, that the sun is staying around for longer and I feel that there is much to accomplish this summer. I also feel that I can do it all, whatever it is. Its going to be good but also it's going to be changing so fast but its going to be good. I will be sure of it.

I MUST CONTINUE TO ENJOY THE DAY, goodbye!

"How often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home."

I am writing a 5 page paper due to tomorrow. I had 2 weeks to complete it. I spent most of the day watching British Murder Mysteries with my mother. And now I am paying for it.

English Essays: its not like they are hard for me to do, I just find the focusing extremely difficult. To stay on task for paragraph after paragraph, heck sentence after sentence without reverting to blogger or bubble spinner, jeezlouise, thats the main task.

Maybe I have ADD.

On another note (ADD kicking in??????), the above quote is my favorite from the novel. Makes me wish summer was here again, and I could experience it right this moment, preferably with a nice sun shower as well. I can't wait.

hello everybody!

Remember that time I said that I was going to document the cleaning of my room and that everything would be awesome and some people even said they were excited about it? I remember that too. SO GUESS WHAT? I DID IT!

Yes sir eee, well, I began it at least. So whats happening with it? Well! I repositioned my trunk o' bags to under my window to create and nice little sitting area for guests/me/cocoa as well as I moved my Specialty Clothes rack (for the dresses/skirts I adore) into a little niche and that created A) a nice open dressing space/dancing space (woohoo!) as well as a small walkway, Man, its going to be cool! Alright so now I'm back in the cleaning mood, Ill keep you posted on this absolutly THRILLING event. ahahhaha.

"I don't see what everybody sees in your sexy body."

Goodness I love Man Man. Whalebones is an absolute masterpiece.

Today I was very mad. And I will tell you about it. Kudokey. So. We all know that I refrain from any angry feelings due to my firm belief that life is too short to be spending even a few moments in a bad mood, cursing, exploding, etcetcetcetc, but today was a whole 'nother ball game. It all began in English. Lets just make this clear: I LOVE THIS CLASS. I admit I do not get the top grades, I get the low As and an array of Bs, but I don't go to the class for the grades or for the marks. I took AP because I seriously love to read and to write and I complain, sure, but I go to class to learn, not to boost my GPA. Okay, so imagine this: we're all in our desks, and after reading As I Lay Dying (by a writer using a cubist technique), we are looking at famous Cubists and Cubism in art. It was a really beautiful time and it was just nice to sit and look and try to find mandolins and men with guitars amist all the cubes and cylinders and, of course, something had to ruin it. Or rather someone. It began as shrewd comments such as "this class is so boring", "that is so stupid", "I don't get it but I don't care" and, I mean, so much I can handle, so I made up some excuses: maybe some people don't like ... art? Yeah Right. But then something really ticked me off. Like the one comment that one should never, ever, ever, ever, ever say. "That's art? I could have done that!"
*Steam Whistle Blowing*
You know what, no you couldn't. If you could have, you would have beaten Pablo Picasso then. Where's your "Woman with Goat"? or "Woman Ironing"? HMMM? Did you put a toilet in a museum? Did you scuplt anything recently? NO. YOU DIDN'T. It's people like this that make me so angry, its the ignorant and indifferent that really get me worked up and I happen to hate getting worked up. And it's people like this that give America its careless connotation. People who choose to not go to museums and see classics. I mean how can a person be interested in fashion or in music but totally write off "art", because its "boring"? These are all art forms to a degree, and they should all be treated with a respect and be awed at because someone, at some point, took a lot of time to do them. Laying on their back and painting a cathedral ceiling all day? Visual Art. Sketching and sewing all day? Functional Art. Practicing and Performing all day? Audible Art. Art surrounds us and its people who completly disregard it amaze me, but not in the good way. I mean, I guess there are some people who just don't find visual art appealing or any art form for that matter, but that doesn't mean you can't appreciate it for what it is or how it was done or what it means or what its supposed to mean or even how long it took to create it.

That reminds me. Who has time to actually go and appriciate works these days? I mean the man has got people with their hands tied with work and homework and basic duties such as cleaning and cooking and responsibilities that sneaking away to the city to the MoMA or even the Natural History Museum (My personal favorite ever since I was a little girl) is like a bank hiest. I mean I would spend every minute looking at exhibits and really look at them but life is so hectic all the time its always on the back burner. And it's not fair. And I'm tired of this. In Europe, its so customary to just pop in a museum and really take it all in, but here (if it's even on the list to begin with) its after working and working out and eating and homework and showering and a TV show and those thousands of hours on facebook or something. JeezLouise, its a mad mad mad mad world out there!

I feel like since fencing ended that nothing has changed. There are still too little hours between school and scrounging up a veggie dinner and errands and church and homework to even take showers or sleep! I am excited with my new-er new haircut. I do not know how to say this without sounding cocky but I think that this haircut captures my "sweet" size and I like that. Fantastic photoshoot with Jasco today. How wonderful it is to take pictures of friends and have pictures taken by friends. We laughed the whole time and shared secrets and were disgusted by a rumor and lalalallaa wonderful. I am watching channel thirteen talking about Carol Burnett. Jeez, they don't make them like they used to (can I say that? I don't think I'm old enough to say that since I never saw it when it was originally airing)! Harvey Korman was absolute gold, in Mel Brooks films and in the Carol Burnett show, I just laugh and laugh and I love it. I love old television shows.
Well thats all, I think Russia is playing Slovakia in hockey right now. I'll be seeing ya'!

my plan for the (distant) future:
get a lot of random but nonetheless much needed random pieces for outfits, meaning necklaces, shoes, shirts, skirts, you name it, if its crazy, never before seen and hopefully old, i want it.
then i will tour the world (become rich before this? possible.) making sure to run into swanky infamous underground persons.
followed by extreme name dropping and hob-nobing with said people which will propell me into the underground fashion world (facehunter) and thus i will be happy.

seriously, i would like to go other places. sweden, spain, france, why not? i would like to wander and tour but most of all pretend to be a native. other people have emigrated and staying in places they never thought they would, why not me too? why not you?

or i could just go to college then grad school then become a teacher and live out a scripted life worrying about money ...

i dont mean to toot my own horn but i have to tell people other than my family

"Today, I consider myself the luckiest [wo]man on the face of the earth"

i cannot stop crying because i am so happy. i sit here, looking absolutly rediculous (sp?) but i am so happy and so blessed and so thankful. also i cannot believe today was real life. i feel like i'm floating and my body is tingling all over and i'm just stalling to tell you what actually happened. well. long story short, fencing goes to districts every year, which is a major tournament where all kinds of schools fence eachother and its just a lot of fun. ever since i was a freshman, getting beat up there but having a blast, i wanted to go to individuals. the closest we ever got was when the epee squad was 5th in the district my sophomore year (8/12 wins!) it was fantastic. so skip ahead to this year: i was nervous but really really excited. apart from two people raining on my parade all day (there are always some, im just mad that i will always remember the bad things with the reallyreally good things), i had a great time. which, for me, is the most important. i love making friends and connecting with people and chatting with the directors. so skip ahead to fencing i won 6/11 bouts, which was weird cause i lost to random schools and won against the top and second best schools along with other schools. so what did i get already? well i am the 5th A strip fencer in the district as well as the 9th fencer in the district. i can't stop smiling and crying. i can't believe today happened. its like a dream. i've been telling everyone how i wanted it for the past 4 years, ever since i found out you could move on to individuals and ever since i saw some of my older friends going into individuals and even states!

well thats it, i'm going to go crash and smile and be thankful.

**after i wrote this i fell asleep ASAP and never published this thing and after i re-reading this it makes no sense or anything but i can't retype it because i will cry again. ahahahha.

I got a new alarm clock today due to today being the worst and craziest and zaniest morning I've ever had. Talk about wierd.


also: I want to brighten your world so here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTs5eKZ0i1E

** there's like, one curse word, but it's totally worth it to watch. I mean, everyone in Jersey knows someone like this.
if you like it, guess what, there are more!
(if not, then just pretend you never saw anything.)

I've forgotten how much I love this.

Alright. Yesterday I took a surprise nap, which I hate, and had a dream about how I went to college and met thousands of wonderful new people. It was a glorious dream, I really cannot wait for college now. Its scary but at the same time a very attractive idea, starting over, somewhere a long ways from home. Everything starts over, eating habits, sleeping times, friends. (The latter being the very very scary part.) I have so much I want to do in the future, and I sound like a whiny little girl but I'm afraid I'll lose my momentum and actually put other things before my own whims. I've seen this happen to a lot of people, its heartbreaking. I think thats what makes us all human, we start out with these grandiose dreams of skyscrapers and astronauts and we settle for something we had no desire to do. WELL NOT ME. I hope. What are these big dreams, you ask? Well I'd love to call a few structures home, some crammed couple of rooms high above Nevsky Prospeckt in Saint Petersburg, a Montclair house (NOT MANSION.) with a porch that sweeps from the front (for two rocking chairs) to the side (for the summer, to eat and dance with friends) and a beach house in Montauk with a view that Gatsby would die for, so I can sit on the grass and listen to Vampire Weekend. It's highly improbable, it's highly expensive and it's highly out of my reach, but I'm a day-dream believer. What can I say? I mean, other people live out their dreams, why not you? why not me? Why can't I be a face hunter? Why can't I be an honors english teacher? Right now, the future looks interesting, foggy and most likely dangerous but ever since I had a changing point during fencing one day, I've changed everything. I believe in myself, I believe in the human race and I believe in you. So get out there, buttercup, make a name for yourself. I plan on making connections to last me a lifetime and keeping the fantastic connections I do have, I want to hob-nob with the barely rich and slightly famous, I want to get wrapped up in a glamourous life and I want to return home and sit on my couch with some good old friends and talk it all over and then I want to go driving around with them like we do now and get into all kinds of shananagins. I want to continue to be religious and I want to continue fencing. I don't know how to end this, nor do I know how this list of "I wants" began. So I'll end with this: I had some hot, home-made coffee with new hazelnut creamer (first time ever!) and now I think I'm lactose-intolerant. oh the humanity.

yesterday i thought i would have an average, even boring!, friday night. as if that was possible! went to montclair with the friendsies for some nice cafe eclectic time. milkshake was sub par, lighting hurt my eyes, atmosphere was fantastic, saw beautiful couples, good company. there was a line the length of california outside a (new?) night club. guess who was there. the oh-so-famous-for-now jersey shore cast. ahahhahhaa. we drove around and around and caught everyone's exciting fever. as we were driving home looking at the mansions, i noticed New York City in the background. it was glittering and shining and litterally created a warm and sunny glow that fought off the night sky, which by the way, is clearer than ever these days! oh, everything is so beautiful. after driving around listening to good tunes and laughing and dancing with my friends, i made it home with 30 minutes left of the last conan o'brien show with my mom! woooohoooo! this morning i was able to can-shake at A&P. It's shameless, its sometimes degrading, its tough but i love doing it. I love interacting with the people i normally would just hurry past in the foodstore. i love going out on a limb, cocking my head like a dog and smiling my most sparkling smile with a touch of an eye squeeze for that dollar. i love talking with people, finding out that they went to PV in 1965 and their grandson goes there now, but hes not a fencer: he's on the hockey team, i mean he gets into trouble, but he's a good kid. i love it. i don't love the money aspect per say (it goes to a good cause!), though i do see the money as a teller of how well you weaseled your way into the people who passed by. if you're going to stand there and monotonously ask people for money, they'll give you some change, a dollar maybe. if you're lunging and talking about how their son/daughter could be on the team when they are in high school and making them laugh, you get 10 bucks. oh i love love love it. i love people. i really enjoy making them laugh and making them remember you. my motto for the day was "well, if they're not gonna give us money, lets make them remember us at least." and i think i did, cause i saw one man who gave us money in the morning a little later today and he waved. ahahhaha. i had a hot chocolate, a mint froho (andheartsheartsheartshearts) and a hazelnut ice coffee today. beautiful, i just want you to know.

Moon River And Me.

what a lovely time I've been having. I really cannot begin to speak all the wonderful things that have been happening. I am so thankful. I am so blessed. For everything, for all the things that have happened to me and for things that have not happened to me. Yesterday was an amazing time, I love my team! What a senior year so far! I am having a blast, hope you are too!
Today I was discussing THE SECRET, with some friends (send it to the universe, positive thoughts etcetcetc) and though I do not entirely buy into the whole SECRET thing, I have been living that "keep positive" kind of lifestyle and I totally agree. I'm not saying that I am completely right and amazing and a genius because I live that way, but I think life is too short to dwell on unpleasant things. DEJA VU, woah. You have to stop and be thankful for what you do have or if you lost something, you have to be thankful for the time you had with it/them. I can't wait for this year to slowly drip by/whiz by, and I promise to try and take everyday slowly and try to enjoy every moment of it! (if not please swifty kick me in the face and tell me to enjoy it all!)

Hello! Happy New Year!
I just posted a thing under 12.06.09, well i began it then and then posted it tonite when I should be doing American Government homework. So check it out, hopefully I can be a good blogger this year! It's fun but oh so time consuming!

i bought myself a camera today at Urban, as well as a cheetah picture. I feel good. Break has flown by quickly but I have Christmas to look forward too! Horray! Looking forward to spending New Year's Eve with the family. Today and yesterday I felt something new. I feel older. That feeling you get when you just complete a difficult level on PS2 or when you realize you've just finished your major project and go to sleep really late just because you're happy. Thats how I feel, I feel like I've leveled up and managed to grow into my 18 year old skin. I cannot stop listening to Iron and Wine. Its so mellow and calming and thats all I want to listen to ever. This is nice, right now. Typing to you, my long lost reader(s). My mother just opened the door, I should go so we can go shopping. I'm happy. I hope you are too.

http://fiftypeopleonequestion.com/

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/



please go there, if you don't already.


Fifty People One Question:

I've only stumbled across it today and its beautiful. Human Nature is so fickle. We kill, we hate, we abuse, we frighten yet we do so much more. With simple, lovely, thoughtful movements we inspire, we trust, we enliven. We are beautiful and we fail to see the beauty every day. I make comments of "I HATE PEOPLE!" when I see the bad side, yet we can't see the good side or when we do we take it for granted. I love humanity, I love how we can be harsh and stubborn and then, just like that, we can be kind and understanding. Sure, there are people out there who are cruel but I think, to fight off all these injustices, we have to come together. Sounds like a beatles reference? Sounds like a peaceful hippie movement? I am not radical. I am no hippie. I don't think I could ever be one, actually, I happen to worry too much. I think though that we should learn about other cultures, learn about other languages, learn to be more accepting. This way, we are not afraid of the unknown, or hostile. We all have basicly the same roots. Don't kill, don't steal, be honerable, be kind, the golden rule. I think its the leaders, or how one interprets what they are, that set us all apart. It's just us. Which of course means that this is all highly unlike, just plausible in a young girl's wishful heart. Oh I don't know, I'm only 18 years old. hahhaha





something endearing and hopeful to leave you with, always makes me tear and smile:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5rhhQbyYV0

listening to Pogo and Gogol Bordello. Went shopping with the Motherboard for clothes for Alabama, well, didn't find much but I got a pair of a cool shoes and a really awesome shirt and a pair of jeans. I didn't care that the shoes are a little bit small cause I was wearing big fluffy socks, so every shoe would be tight, yes? well, I'm sorry about being a bum and not being able to update all about my room. With all this college stuff and school in general, it's been like a sudden halt on my room. It was going along so well and now its like BAM!!! not good at all. I will begin ... maybe after I return from Alabama? I hope. Really, I want this as much as you do, if you do want it anyway, haha. Well. So whats new with me? What shall I speak about today? I applied to 6 colleges yesterday! I am not getting my first D! New Clothes! Cat is doing fine, still giving me fits of sneezing and itchy eyes! Really, I just love it when he sits outside the bathroom door, waiting like he needs a drink of water RIGHT. THIS. MOMENT. and meows and scratches and I have to say "Cocoa, TWO MINUTES PLEASE!" and then he'll be quiet. I think he likes to know that I did not disappear into oblivion. Oh what a cat. Uhm, so yes, I must get back to my load o' homework.

I wish I lived in another time. I know you hear this daily, that so and so was born in the wrong era just because she loveslovesloves&<3s; white="Peace" red="Logical," blue=" Loyal," yellow="Positive,">

What makes me think about this? Today, I talked to the cross-walk man. Every time I walk, I thank him and/or say "Have a nice day!!" but today! oh man I am so happy! I also told him "happy veteren's day!" and he looked at me and told me "Ya know? I was in the army 61 years ago! Truman's time, kept me a year more than I was supposed to be in, I just turned 80!" To which I replied "Wow! Happy Birthday! And thank you for your service to our country.". I could cry just thinking about him. Here is this sweet man who 61 years ago was a 19 year old boy walking through the year 1948. Was he scared? Was he thinking of his girl? Did he imagine his life as being a cross walk man at 80? He is such a nice man who usually tells me he thought I graduated and I will never forget him. My mother says they don't make people like they used to. Kind, Sweet, Thoughtful, Generous people unlike the girls and boys in my school. I've sifted through them all and found the remaining good ones that I am friends with but, I'm sorry, I don't belong amongst the others. I sound so pompous. I'm sorry, I simply mean that the blood that runs through my veins is different from their's. Mine is not better, their's is not better. We just have different values, different agreements on whats decent and whats not.

Also: Happy Veteren's Day! This is my fourth favorite holiday! This is the reason I still say the Pledge of Alligence. I mean I'm not one for politics, I'm not one for declaring wars on other countries, I'm not one for greed, but when I think of men (and later, the women!) who sacrificed their lives, who did what they thought was right for America, who sat and cried in a bunker, who saw their friend be killed, who tried to help their dying friend, who saved their friend, who took out a bible, a book, a picture of their girlfriend in the night, well, I could just cry, because ours lives are so easy compared to theirs that we have the time to criticize. I can't look at the flag and not think of our boys, our girls, the world's boys, the world's girls. They were out there and are out there being scared, praying, crying, missing their families, missing a body-part. I'm not trying to preach, just simply delve a little into my head. Veterens?: Thank You For Your Service To Our Country.

I don't know what to say. I have many hopes for the future. This year marks 18 years since my first breath of real air. Amazing isn't it? 18 years of managing to not fall down the stairs (fatally), not being eaten by an animal, not being electricated, not playing with matches, not running after a ball after it rolled into the street, or other various dangers only Lou-Ann would worry about (REFERENCE ... thats what AP English does to ya!). Man, its beautiful but so scary. 18 years more, 18 years less. I would love to have this birthday mean something. A new chance, "a new year" like Sam said, just for me! Its going to be a good year, I really want it to be, I need it to be.

Something for the future me to look back to?:

You Go Girl.

I will be returning to Russia on October 21.
I will return from Russia on October 29.
This is wonderful and frightening.

Have you ever had great expectations for someone? Lets have an example.
Say you are a teenage girl who hears all kinds of escapades of her male friends. You hear all about the girls who are hot and the girls who do things with boys and you hear all about how the boy wants stuff from more than one girl, yes? And some boys you just expect this from. You've known them for a long time and all you can say is "Oh. ____, you crazy boy. you heart breaker." I mean, double standards people! But then there are other boys who you have also known for a long time. And they are quieter and more reserved and you think "This boy is nothing like ____, he is gentle and would never demand anything like ____ does!". And then you hear how the shy boy has gotten stuff from girls and you think "WHAT?". Whats different? Why the double standard? I mean, boy #2 is nothing special, and you have never liked him like that, but still, its weird. I guess I built up Boy #2, more than Boy #1 who has been stealing and crushing hearts since the 7th grade. Boy #2 was better than that. What made Boy #2 different was that he was okay with not having a girl do things to him. He wasn't like Boy #1 or any of the other mindless boys. And here you are hearing scandelous stories of him. My point? Expectations. Do we all build up these larger than life imaginations of people only to see them crumble? I've done it. I'm the worst at it. Another example: My Idol. She was the big sister I've never had. She was everything I've ever wanted to be, witty, sly, fashionable, collected, fabulous, well liked, respected, funny, different, crazy, lovely. I've never met a more wonderful person. I was a freshman and she seemed too old for high school. Too cool. She was best friends with another girl who I considered a beautiful role model. For two years I looked up to these girls. They were the reason for fencing, for playing the flute the best I could. Then, one horrible day, my Idol, the older one, the one so dear, let slip a bad habit. It killed me, I cried, she cried. It wasn't her fault, I wasn't crying solely for the fact of that slip-up. It was the death of her innocence I connected to. I cried for the fact that people were not as good as I thought them to be. I cried because it was true. I cried because she was not as holy, as sacred, as pure as I was modelling myself after. I still hold her dear in my heart but it can never be as it was before. Its as if I've grown to understand not to idolize her as I did.
You see, thats my downfall. Great Expectations. They are only human, subject to whims and stupidities and falls from grace. At times I feel like the Catcher in the Rye. I feel as if kids are growing up faster than they should. I'm only 17 years old for another few days. I'm so old fashioned in my beliefs. Often I wonder who is right.

i have no idea what to write about anymore.
no time to do anything.

some one really angered me today. I wish I was resilient like Michelle, but no, I can't control how fired up I feel and since I don't want to seem like a beeeyotch and moan about it to my friends 24/7, here ya go! Today I was passing around some paper and a pen so that I could get in contact with the girls who were interested in fencing. Now, you may or may not know that this year, since the split of the fencing team into Boys and Girls, our coach has decided to make 2 captains. I am one and someone else is the other (obvious? ahaha). So I was acting all excited and asking all kinds of girls if they were interested and if so, could they be so kind as to write down some simple information?! Well, this must have disgusted a boy on the fencing team since he looked at me and said: "what are you doing that for?" and I, simply smiling, replied: "Because I'm a captain!" and this boy screwed up his face and said "Well, you're only HALF a captain". I didn't know what to say. I just looked at him and walked away thinking nothing of it, but now, - now it stings, I feel insulted and attacked and whats worse? I didn't defend myself. Now a little background on this boy. He is not what you'd call popular, was on the team for one year, and frankly, I feel sorry for him most of the times, so my natural instinct wasn't to lash out. But now, after squirming for hours thinking how such a little comment could make me feel so rotten, well, now its just crazy. In retrospect, I once complimented his hair and his only response was "haha, I know, I like it too." I mean the comment "You're only HALF a captain", not so big, it sounds so silly and playful. But it really hurts, maybe its the responsible in me thats hurt - the part that wants to be taken seriously. Maybe its the pride in me that wants to be respected for the heavy title of Ladies Fencing Captain. I mean, plenty of sports have multiple captains and they are each known as a CAPTAIN. Not a half, not a quarter Captain, not a fifth of a Captain. Jeez. I can't seem to let this go!



Is it me thats overly nice? Is the world overly mean? Is Tennessee Williams right that the sensitive people in the world consistantly get crushed by the brutes? Is being one of the "sensitives" really that bad? I mean, I certainly don't want to be a brutish savage. Oh, my. I feel a bit better but still, cannot believe the children these days, they are stuck in a dream land of "I can do whatever I want, say whatever I want and have no reprocussions!".

Did you happen to catch the sky today? You, and I actually, would think the sky would be dreary and mean looking. And yet, no! I was at my computer, mindlessly wandering and I noticed a strong pink light coming from the window shade and I lifted it up to find a beautiful pink-orange fog shimmering above my neighbor's roof. Then when I was driving I saw that the dark rain clouds broke apart at one section to reveal the lovely deep blue sky beneath it. Another day with a surprise ending. So badly do I want to see the sunrise and sunset in other land, take a trip to the supermarket/bakery/butcher/pastry shop in another land, I want to see beauty everywhere. I want to be able to see beauty in everything. I do now, but I'm so sure that I'm missing more than I see. Other states, other countries, other weather types, in other people's house (welcome, of course). I love my home but I need to travel, my entire body needs that, my soul needs it. I feel so strongly about leaving and coming back home and seeing the world, maybe it's the Beirut on my playlist, he always gets me in a mood to see the world, but the world wasn't made so we could all sit in one place and wait out our lives, at least I'm not going to do that.



Must get it together and write my yearbook write ups. I'll be 18 in a matter of weeks, must find a party place.

A Little Bit About Myself:

What is your current obsession?
Trying to wear all the clothes I wore in summer for as long as possible. Also: Finding out a way to collect all my mom's unused jewlery, why save/waste it, ya know?

What's your horoscope and how do you relate to it?

Libra charcteristics and personality traits:
Ruled by: VENUS.
Your Sun Zodiac sign may not best describe your personality features, your characteristics and general qualities that you bring to life. For many people, their Ascendant or its planetary ruler is the more obvious characteristic, or sometimes the Moon sign. Your Sun sign, rather, says more about the direction you should be moving in, to make the contribution to humanity you were born to make, and thus achieve a degree of personal fulfilment.
The goal for Libra is to witness the importance of co-operation and harmony in human life. Libra is represented by a pair of scales - the only sign to be represented by an inanimate object. This says something about the Libra objective - to be fair and balanced in everything in a detached way - it is an air sign and therefore seeks an ideal. At its best, Libra can view complex situations, maybe emotionally highly charged ones, and come to a balanced view based on a fair consideration of all the options. However, it may take a while to come off the fence! Come down in favour of one side of the scales and the other side goes up and Libra always seeks to restore balance.

Traits of a Libra:
Desires popularity
Loves art
Neat
Dresses up for the occassion
Slight perfectionist
Narcisstic
Charitable
Bossy at times
Plans ahead
Attention to detail
Loves public service

Likes:
Beauty
Gifts
Debates
Attention
Intellectual conversations
Admiration
Credit cards
Mingling
Subtle colours, textures
Haute Coutoure

Dislikes:
Noise
Confusion
Sloppiness
Ugliness
Dirt
Pressured decisions
Being rushed
Criticism

This actually fits me very well. On the road, I hate having people push me or let me go first, I feel as if I am being rushed or am being pressured. I love to debate but I am unsure of myself when I'm debating with a class (the possiblity of being criticized). I hate it when there are fights and when I must choose a side. I've always been a peacemaker and a Switzerland when it comes to arguments. I try to please everyone, often at my own expence. I love it when people work together and are just plain old nice to eachother.

What are you wearing today?
A dress coat! lovelylovely.

What was the last thing you bought?
gas for my dad's car! money lay-day.

What's for dinner?
panera!

What is your favorite decade?
i love early 60's (not hippie time) and all the 50's, 40's, 30's. Racism, Sexism but so so glamourous, so so styled, they had things to fight for, they were polite, they were stronger than us now.

What are your "must haves" for fall?
skirts! dresses! Just because cold weather has rolled around doesnt mean you can only be warm/happy in sweats or pants. Stay feminine, stay true!

Are you a cat or dog person?
I'm more of a cat person. I love all animals, I love dogs! but I love how you have to work and build trust and love with a cat. I love how you get that bond thats more than just a "you feed me, you play with me so i love you" bond with a dog. Once a cat loves you, thats it, its sealed.

What is your favorite piece of clothing?
I love a good hat or scarf. Well placed, to compliment or to add a shock of color/pattern can make a fall or winter coat look amazing.

What do you do and what is your dream job?
NO JOB :D. Also: oxy moron? If I could, I'd be a student the rest of my life.

What do you consider a fashion faux pas?
too much cleavage/ cleavage at all. UGLY. leave something for the imagination ladies!

Describe your personal style.
conservative meets fiesty. I love vintage anything and everything. I'm trying to wear less pants. I tend to be very reserved with clothing, very professional. I like the look that I can wear for a job, for a night time outing, for a walk down 5th ave and with my friends and family. I attempt to stay away from up to date trends, but I always like to bring trends back. I used to be very adventurous with my hair styles and lengths but I'm leveling out with medium/shoulder length. I live for dresses and skirts and I try to always be classy and feminine but slightly messy.

What do you want to do when you grow up?
Something helpful to society. I would love to be a fashion designer but also part of the Environmental Protection Agency or even a high school teacher of English. (hopefully honors kids.)

:D

FASHION UPDATE.

What a lovely day! What a splendid day. School was alright, band was fun, but home is wonderful! My mother and I really leveled out and it all started because I asked her if my outfit matched (which it did, score!). Well she told me she had some Puca Shells, and it just took off from there. You see, tomorrow's outfit is basically fucshia and white and I needed a pop of color, which happens to be this real nice aqua. So we go on a mission to find these fucshia and aqua shells and it was like an hour of just delving into my mother's treasure jewlery box. We went through all kinds of things, braclets made of fake gold that my mother kept from her great aunt, hoop earrings she found on the street, even her little pin she had on her favorite childhood coat. The part that made me cry (inside) was when I found my mother and father's wedding bands. Background: In Russia, they don't really give out the gaudy diamond engagement ring like how they do in America, also my dad was not exactly rich. So I found this wooden box with H and C written together in a fancy script (think of the beginning letter of a fairy tale book). (H and C? H = N(atalie) and C = S(ergei), Russian letters, yo). So I open it up and there are these two simple gold bands and on the inside of my Dad's it says "Natalie, Leningrad (What Saint Petersburg was called during Communism), 14 X (X = Roman Numeral 10) 1990" and on the inside of my mother's it says "Sergei, Leningrad, 14 X 1990". I thought it was so sweet. My father didnt have enough money to splurge on humongous rings for the both of them but he did what he could and had a special box made for the rings and had them ingraved. I love my family. So then my mom offered me all kinds of rings and bracelets and I soooo wanted to take them but I felt bad, like my mom took her life collecting these things, mostly heirlooms, but then again she has passed that age where a lady can only wear diamonds. So. Maybe you will see new jewelry?

Who Are We To Love At All?


Today in american government, we (or rather, the class was talking, since I'm way too shy and self conscious to talk, also I am in the front of the class) were talking about Thomas Hobbes and John Locke and all this governmental stuff and the question was raised whether or not humans are good. The entire class sided with Hobbes, saying they were bad from birth. There were some feeble arguments that people were supposed to be good but then turned evil by mistake, but everyone was blown away when Deeney asked whether or not that person locked their doors at night to fend off any burglar. Hm. Call me crazy, but I think people, for the most part, are good, well maybe not all of them but they sure aren't ALL bad. Of course there are rotten people, the stealers, killers and of course you should be cautious and be prepared but you can't just say that everyone is bad. You have to keep some faith in humanity. I mean, it's like talking about the Death Penalty. It should be abolished for that 1% of people who may be innocent and wrongly accused. Too many times the wrong person has been put on the green mile when they are really not guilty. It's a very small chance that someone wrong is there but for the sake of that one person, that single person, that the Death Penalty should be ended (of course there are other reasons but thats my favorite one). It is for that reason too, the very small population of man-kind that is good, that we cannot call human kind all bad or all evil. What about the little people who do good deeds unnoticed and under thanked each day? The one person who helps the older lady across the street? The one teacher who teaches underprivilidged kids for scraps rather than a high paying job teaching brats? As long as there is one person out there helping, teaching, loving, making others laugh or just keeping the faith in humanity, you cannot call humanity bad. Sure, the others may overwhelmingly out number the good but hey, they can change. (I've had first hand experience that even "bad boys" are good guys in their beating hearts underneath their Ed Hardy shirts which pump blood to their spotless Nike clad feet, I've seen the help a simple smile does to someone, I know how great it feels for one unexpected compliment on a terrible day) In the words of Andrew Jackson Jihad "I have faith in my fellow man, and I only hope that he has faith in me" (SONG="PEOPLE").

Today I unexpectedly had a three hour nap. Seriously, I saw my cat laying down under my parent's covers and I just crawled up next to him and before I knew it we were both snoozin'. Cocoa let me use him as a pillow and everything. I'm repaying him by petting him as we speak. Also, stumbled on yearbook stuff while checking out my photography assignment (oh boy!). I have no idea what to write for my senior write ups. Something philisophical? Nah. Some lyrics, maybe. I just want to accidently find something and be like "WOW". hm, maybe I found it? Man, summer feels like a dream. A weird dream that gave me horrible jet-lag. My room, you ask? Man, don't even get me started. With band practice now three days a week along with weekends now kaput-ski, and of course unexpected naps I have had not a single second to even look in the mirror. SRSLY. I'm so sorry if you actually wanted to read that, maybe by Thanksgiving I can have it done. haaaaaaaaaah.
Hey, look at these pictures I just found! Maybe they will add some color to my page, hahaha. I do like the whole black and white thing though.

JUNE 2009.

Did you notice the drastic change that began on Thursday? I drove to Chipotle, and immediatly I knew something was up. Drivers were angrier, people were rude and disrespectfulf. The weather had turned chilly and all day it has rained. Summer time driving has left. Used to be, a person could cruise down the street, listening to good music, with the windows down and suddenly, it was too cold for all the way down windows, i couldn't find my CDs and I was being honked at to do an illegal right turn at a red light. What happened in those little hours? What happened to the warmth both in the weather and the in people?

On another note! I know you're wondering what school is like for me. You want to hear about Public Speaking? Well, alright! I have to do a monologe on Friday so I've been thinking of possible monologues to choose from. I was thinking maybe some sort of Sin City monologue and I could be looking out the window while I do it or maybe have my face in my hands or maybe wear some sort of hat, OR MAYBE SOMETHING WITH BLACK/WHITE/ONE COLOR. oh thats good. any suggestions? Maybe some Ray Bradbury: The Martian Chronicles? Maybe the ending of Psycho?
ANY IDEAS?

SENIORS '010. technically i can say that.
Uh, so fantastic school day today? No joke, this year will be great. Sadly, after walking from band to Photography, it felt as if summer never really happened. Crazy!
My room is yet again horribly messy and I didn't even finish cleaning it. Ay yi yi! Still have to move the desk and trunk and clothes rack.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BORING POST FOR SOMETHING COMPLETLY DIFFERENT:
My mom just demonstrated to me how our 7 year old black shorthair cat is afraid of Febreeze yet not afraid of my mom's hairspray. What a nut!

Okay back, so what am I doing now? NOTEBOOKS. So far I've decorated my planner and covered it in rippled tape for that oh-so homey look. It was actually very smooth tape but I needed to twist the tape around to get the bubbles and lines, I'm just used to it from my younger years of accidently getting the bumpy look. Now onto the 5 subject notebook. What to do? What to do? I'm definitly putting a design down and then maybe putting some pictures or pressed flowers or something down above it. This year, I'm going to make the best of it. I've already begun that in Marching Band with Bandana Day and Crazy Hat Day, must continue and hopefully pass it on down. I'd like that, maybe those crazy kids could keep something I stood for alive in PV, maybe being nice maybe being respectful maybe being fun while serious. But here I go tootin' my own horn. anyways. must get back to doodling and reading and finding out about my mom's camera!
good times ahead ... OR ELSE!

Leslie Howard. My favorite actor, a suavve, British amazing man.

Thought you'd appriciate the pictures, I wonder how he'd feel to know a New Jersey gal loves him, sixty six years after his death.

I'd advise you to check out his movies, The Scarlet Pimpernel, Pygmalion, Romeo and Juliet, Reserved for Ladies, Intermezzo, Of Human Bondage, ETCETCETC. oh lets have a Leslie Howard night!

Fun Tidbit: I wrote that last blog while I was "working". It was also susequently my last day of work.



and now for something completely different. I was on a cleaning and homework doing rampage yesterday and on my well deserved break I sped off into the dark summer night to Barnes and Nobels. If you spotted me and didn't say hello, you would have noticed that I was pacing back and forth between "Self Medication" and "Crafts". Why did i spend so much time here and there? Well A) the fashion section is under "Self Medication" why? and B) Where is the car section?



BUT I DIGRESS.



So I picked up a little pale pink book titled: "The Little Dictionary of Fashion" by Christian Dior. Its an amazing book dating back to 1954 and later re-printed in 2007. Absolutly fantastic! What a taste? Here you go!

"BLACK:

The most popular and the most convenient and the most elegant of all colors. And I say color on purpose, because black may be sometimes just as striking as a color. It is the most slimming of all colors and, unless you have a bad complexion, it is one of the most flattering. You can wear black at any time. You can wear it at any age. You may wear it for almost any occasion. A "little black frock" is essential to a woman's wardrobe. I could write a book about black ... "

so there you go! if you want advice on how to wear frocks, suits, coats, etc. from Christian Dior, go get a copy for yourself!



Also on my get list from B&N:

The Little Black Book of Style

This Is Not A Book!

Living Out Loud

hello readers! Listen, I haven't put you first. I haven't thought about you as readers. And for that I'm sorry! Other blogs have something they bring to the table. Maybe an artsy view on the world and art projects. Maybe pictures that make you think. Well I'm going to try to change my speed a little bit. My old plan of attack of writing about whatever I felt like, was afraid of, needed to get out is mundane, anyone can do that, but what do i bring to the blogging table? You see, right now I am cleaning out my room and reorganizing my room to basically make me a more organized person who loves fashion. Its going to be grand and whenever its complete, you simply must come over and i can give you a tour of my like 8 by 10 room hahahaha. no really, i will. this new blog will be about A) cleaning and re-arranging my room to be the perfect place to put outfits together (with pictures!!! woohoo) B) my style and all the ups and downs it goes through (avec picturesSsSsSs!) C) I will be teaching myself, learning from family, learning from books/internet on how to sew, alter, embroider, create etcetcetc. and i will tell you as well, cause thats what friends do! D) as a senior i MUST go on adventures, so i will document and share! plus of course there will be daily experiences/rants mixed in (i will be applying to college, so of course that will be in there and i'll try to help out any nervous high school student, if i can help them a little bit, maybe give them something i wish i knew, then everything will be dandy!). It will be fun with this new blog! It will be like we are really good friends, only we dont really see eachother and we hangout over the internet....anyway. SO! about this room of mine ....

so whats so great about my room that i'm telling you about it? well first off, a little history. ("great, this is going to be long") alright, so my room is a little on the small side, and i happen to be a very unorganized person so i'm really gung-ho on changing a new leaf with my senior year and yaddayaddayadda. i have a lot of clothes, some i dont wear (OUTOUTOUT!) but most i love and love to wear. so whats the new plans? okay, currently i have a desk, a bookcase, a chest of drawers, a bed, a trunk, a night stand, a small closet, curtains for a door, a showcase and a full length mirror. desk is out. book case is organized like a built in bookcase, including sweet knick-knacks and books/CDS/videogames i cherish. showcase is filled with useless figurines and cat statues, OUT! In goes two of my favorite hats on level 1, level 2 gets jewlery that i love (so now you know where to look when you ransack my house), 3 gets perfume and 4 gets ...well thats still debatable. in the two drawers under the glass showcase, it is separated into "costume jewlery that i wear" and "costume jewlery that i might wear". on top of my chest of drawers is my TV, cable box, PS2 and a really cool black cat porcelien statue with yellow eyes that looks like my kittycat, COCOA ANDHEARTS. my bed, this is where i need your help, oh faithful reader(s), i have a dark tan colored room and wood/white furniture. what color bedspread?! i'm thinking something simple. something white and something striped. y/n? lets see. my night stand has an iHome on it, a lamp, a makeup mirror and water bottles since i LOVE WATER. there are two drawers and the top one is for hair supplies and the bottom one is for make up/nailpolish/CHAPSTICK (jasco's most important meal of the day ;D ). then we have the trunk filled with purses and under that is backpacks. ontop of that will be my lamb skin rug (i bought it when i was like 7, i didnt really know what it was, all i liked was that it was fuzzy) then the PIECE DE RESISTANCE!!!!! okay, so you know in like store dressing rooms you put the clothes you dont want on this metal hanging thing that holds things and shows them off? well most of my clothes will go in the closet, the chest of drawers or the bins under my bed but the ones which i LOVE will go on this rack. trust me, its going to be GREAT! not only will it showcase my fave. clothes but it will also serve as a room-divider. oh man, i can't wait. too bad i'm a procrastinator.

so for all of you who read all of that, high five! and for those of you who skipped, well you missed out. anyway. this should end. NOW.

whats a good way to end summer? how about a nice suntan from the beach? too ordinary? what about a nice mani/pedi? too boring? well i'm doing neither! what am i ending summer looking like? well imagine a nice scabby gash on my upper lip and the classic smell of skunk. yes. oh yes. thats right ladies and gentlemen of the jury. this look is a new one for me and i think i'm working it. that dry scab that makes me look deformed and that OH SO pleasant odor of eau de skunk. how did i come about these beauty accessories? well one was from a nice little fall in my room when i landed on my lip (and cried for about forever) and the other was from a nice little SCARY outing with two friends. close your eyes, imagine a dark allyway with bushes and shrubs, imagine the HORRIFYING rustling sound of a nervous skunk, imagine us SCREAMING and running for our lives, thinking its something deadly. oh yes and to our surprise, when we reached the safety of the car, the air was chokingly filled with smells of rotten garlic (real wierd), sharpies and all other things to make you sick. we were dry-heaving all the way home. it was hilarious and scary and really wierd. so lesson learned, BE CAREFUL during your last few days of summer, because if you don't you'll be sporting strange facial cuts and a disgusting smell like me. :D

nothing else is new. might be getting a car? school shopping no where near done? REALLY NEED MORE SUMMER TIME? YESYESYES.

so i saw inglourious basterds. if anyone wants to see it again or for the first time, i will go along with you. its real amazing. SO.
band camp is over, russia is over, summer is over. i have nothing to write about. i just feel like driving somewhere. at points i feel like i'm too young to be a senior and at times i feel like i'm too old to be in high school. (3 people already asked me where i was going to college). i want to run away and travel and see the world and sometimes i want to stay home and watch movies.
on another level, my legs are nice and strong from marching and moving around. horrah! didnt really get a crazy tan from band camp though :/. so what should i talk about guys? i really have no idea! i saw my friends whilst driving yesterday! they called my name at a stop light! got some good movies such as Sin City and Pulp Fiction that i'll be watching asap! i think i'll go grab some coffee now. maybe you should text me and we can do stuff???

woahwoahwoahwoah. i stupidly found my two yearbooks from PV about 5 minutes ago and stupidly put on my SLEEP playlist with sad and slow songs on it. the combination did not make me sleep. damn. i'm going to be a senior, and though for the past year and a half i've been dreaming of this, saying things like I WISH IT WAS OVER ALREADY, i find that now it is upon us! - it being senior year, the "real world" as they say, and all things scary and new. - i thought i'd be excited, happy and willing to just step right into this new feeling of big man on campus and top of the totem pole but here i am, nervous and a little bit sick. it was just the end of school, i found a letter i wrote to myself way back in the middle of junior year telling me how happy i am its almost over and if it is already over to be happy still. not the case. i was just in Russia, OVER. i just began my internship, OVER. my kitchen was still old and gloomy, OVER. now i am about to be in band camp all next week, then school shopping and then soon applying for the next 4 years of my life. some friends will be freshman again, some will be sophomores again! NUTS! this is crazy. i saw my friends in this thick, green and white book and i saw their captions of "KEEP IT REAL PV" and "THANX MOM&DAD&BRO&SIS" and i saw their pictures from their high school parties and their crazy, fun times. and here i am. my senior pictures are already done, my captions are mostly done, now i have so much to do for college and time does not seem to stop or slow or even linger. summer is over, soon high school will be over, then college and then what? TWO YEARS ITS BEEN SINCE I WAS IN CHEMISTRY CLASS. and the laughs are still playing back like it was the same day. and the deep gash the boy i really fell for is still trying to be stiched up. and i am here. in the "present", that thin thin thin skinny line between PAST and FUTURE. 11:36 is in the past now. yep. jeez. how will it be when i'm 76. then my whole life will be behind me, unless there is some sort of elixer of life serum which is invented. but who wants to live forever anyway. i am controdicting myself? GEE, i dont even know what to say. i want to enjoy life and i want to be able to take a look around and be happy. and i dont want so much work that i cant be happy. its like those MAN MAN lyrics. "i just can't remember, january, straight through december." it just seems too fast. i don't feel like i think i should feel going into senior year. i mean i'm going to have to sit through sex ed, i am so immature! i dont want to face the day my cat is too old, i am not grown up to handle that. i've never gone to a funeral for my own family yet! i cant handle things, im just a kid. i cant even seem to consistantly use " ' " where it needs to be.

dear little sister i never had "Jasco",

Russia - actually the World - awaits you.



(some of the pictures are out of order but

each one has a description at the bottom)





A look from the top of Saint Isaac's Cathedral. The city is huge and spans as far as you can see.

Another look from the top. They are constantly building and re-building, hence the cranes.

One of the many boys my mom tried to set me up with. My face says it all.

A church service. The walls are of marble and gold leaf. This is taken from the very back, many people came to pray.

Most "traditional" restuarants have a stuffed bear to please and impress the tourists. Of course I needed a picture, since I was a tourist.

There are many streets and many people in Saint Petersburg, yet you can count on a nice park or trail to be near-by.

On our way to the Hermitage Museum. The streets are lined with vendors and ancient architecture.

Some Russian graffiti. it says: "I love you".

Walking the streets. It seems far but the sights along the way make it lovely.

Saint Isaac's Cathedral - a look from the street. A typical beautiful, busy day.


love, big sister you never had "Katherine"

august is half over already. less time for summer. it seems like there is this huge clock somewhere around the corner from my house or deep in the corners of my mind that just keeps ticking. like the single tapping of the drumstick in "whalebones" by Man Man. 59, 58, 57, 56, 55 ... on and on. ceaseless. summer is basically over and what have i done? i've started a blog, read 3 books, went across the world, wore mostly skirts and dresses, but there is so much more to do. college applications already? more summer work? clean my room before band camp! it seems i've run into a dead end and junior year frights have returned. already i feel like i should gasp for air, enclosed like a bricked-up allyway around me. only way out is up. i've got to "take a bite of the bullet" and climb. problem? no motivation. breathing isn't that important! AH! damnit. this blog was supposed to be an outlet. and now here i am motivating myself (maybe you reader? want to get some work done?) oh well. i like the similie. 54, 53, 52, 51, 50 .....

it is august already. i still have a lot of summer work to do.

i realized i cheated you out of my trip to russia because of i was freaking out about college. sorry!
where to begin. lets see, something dramatic? Russia, the land of beautiful people, the land of tsars, the land of memorable fighting and the land of my ancestors. BUM BUMMMMMM. right. so whats happening in Russia in July of 2009? beautiful things, my friends. what really struck me is how for the last 17 years, i've blindly loved Russia, its true, i have. i've always been proud of what i saw in the pictures or what i remembered from my trip when i was 8 (i actually hated it, go figure ahhaha) and i've always loved it from what i've heard from news stories or just reminiscing. but this trip made me see what i've been "loving" and it really hit me in the face. i cannot describe how wonderful it was, IT IS. i've never loved/been more proud of/missed anything as much as Russia. lets just say, if i had the chance to move there after high school, i would in a blink of an eye. call me biased, but hear me out, if you are italian, go to Italy, if you are german, go to Germany (i've seen the airport, not bad Germany. haaha). where ever you are from, GO HOME. and i don't mean your home with your bed and your secret collection of stuffed animals that you can't give up, but your motherland, the land of YOUR ancestors. this trip really opened my eyes, i didn't see what i expected to see, i saw better things. going to Russia really made me consider life outside of the US. i mean, i don't always agree with all the US stuff, but i've never really thought of leaving, its comfortable here, i'm used to it. but Russia, i would move there and i don't fully know the language, but i know enough to squeeze by. walking the history lined streets (the buildings, the bridges, everything) its just breath-taking. i was so worried when i arrived in Russia that i would not love it, and now i am worried that i won't be able to stop yearning to go back. thats my home. i've lived in New Jersey my entire life, my family is here (most), my friends are all from here and i can't imagine life without them but when i woke up that second day in Russia, i realized that that huge country of snow and cities and life is where i belong. i thought i knew what i wanted, but now everything is out the window, i've been propelled back into that kolidescope of uncertainty and i don't know which way is out, the way i've known for so long - the one i'm so comfortable with or the one i've only just begun to understand. i'm in love with a country, a life that i can't have and probably can't afford, but its soso exciting. the walking around Saint Petersburg at night, there was absolute freedom - picture New York City with less people in a rush and more people in love with life, picture school with people who are interested in fun, interested in dining outside and interested in living life and not getting bogged down in work and hate and heavy feelings. its strange, i feel like i'm backstabbing my home for 17 years for one that i've only just met, hahah am i cheating on it? which brings me to my next point, traveling. i love it. airports, people you travel with - you could meet anyone just by sitting by them or being on line after them and your lives cross at this one point, maybe waiting 6 hours in Germany for a 7 hour plane trip to the US. there are so many people out there and i want to get the most of my life and i want to travel and see other cultures and see other people and maybe stay in a hut in some small, poor country and cry that i want to go home and then get used to the place and then love it. i want to help people everywhere (it sounds over-used but this i'm fascinated by societies and people and their beliefs and i want to learn and i want to teach and i want to help and i want to be helped) and i want to be happy and content with what i've got, cause life's short. (SUBLIME.) right so maybe i can learn how to put pictures up and you can see a fragment of my dreams. we all need to travel and get out of our little boxes. mentally and physically.

i'm feeling really overwhelmed by this college stuff. i feel like everything is so important and that if i mess up one bit ill just be a nobody and i feel like its all on my shoulders and i have to make very important decisions RIGHT NOW. some people have been thinking of college their whole entire lives, they've been studying and practicing sports with scholarships in mind. i haven't done any of that. i don't even think i'm the average high-schooler simply because i am not worried about college. and thats what scares me the most, i am so care-free right now when i feel like i should be hounding down college professors and taking the SAT II and ACT. i feel like i'm not taking enough time to sort out what i want or what i should want and i feel like i will not get the experience i want. i have no college that i've been dying to attend. i have no major that i'm dying to do. i think being an english teacher would be fun, i really like reading and helping people but who says thats what i want when im 30?! i feel like i'm at the bottom of the ocean and that i have no means and no desire to get to the top. thats the scariest part. i haven't visited any colleges, i don't know what i want to do and i can hear the clock ticking. when i was anxious to do college stuff, no one helped me and the internet sure isn't the way i want to learn about a place i'm living at for 4 years. and now when i'm, sort of lazy with college things i don't even know where to begin. all these websites i was given don't help me. what i need is a psychiatrist who will give me hard copies of things none of this online business. i don't care whats the percentage of whites in your university, i want to know what kind of student you will take. i don't care how many minutes away from NYC your college is, i want to know how much it will cost my parents! i feel like if you can come out of your junior and senior year of highschool somewhat sane, after all the talks and meetings and phone calls and learning and college stuff, you should be able to go. these SATs, GPAs, LMNOPs really, i just want to come out of high school alive. best time of your life? i really hope not. and another thing. the cost of college. HELLO? i mean, whats the point of spending millions of dollars at one college when the degree you get at the end, is the same as one thats half a million? and also - whats the deal with college being so darn expensive???? books, okay, but sending me to an "okay" college will be the same as if my parents bought a new car. every year. i don't see where the incentive is. it's happened with food. why would someone pay $30 for a healthy meal when they can get a fast and tasty, albiet unhealthy meal for $7. where is the incentive to eat better? i just don't see the big scha-bang that is neccessary for going to college. its all so complicated and i want it to be over right now. how do i know which college is "right for me"? i'm so young, i'm not even allowed to drive past 12AM and you want me to make a decision that will (or at least feels like) determine the rest of my life? i feel so helpless and all the computer can give me is 35 matches to "Penn State".

2 things:

i don't know how to spell "incentive", is that right? ha, some english teacher i'll be.

and after reading this over i feel even more frazzeled (Spelling?!!?!) and i'm not even going to bother to take out the mistakes for fear of exploding.

jeez. its the 9th already? gee-wizz, it feels like the entire summer has gone by so quickly. why couldn't junior year have gone equally as quick? haha times fun when you're having flies. or something like that ;D
So! today is technically my favorite day of my whole trip to russia (btw i'm going to russia ahaha) you want to know why? well it is simply because i love airports. i love sitting there and waiting for the planes, i love being around other people who are going on a trip, i love the little stores they have, i love just everything. plus, these moments that i'm taking to write this in are the best too. can you guess why? because everything is ahead of me. my entire 7 hours to germany, 2 hours to st. petersburg and then my entire vacation in russia is ahead of me. and maybe you, my trusted reader(s) will be reading this when ever you stumble upon it, maybe tomorrow, maybe after i return. and thats just crazy since before you/i will know it, i'll be back in my bed trying to catch up on sleep and/or telling you how it was.
so enjoy your 11 days without me! dusvidaniya!

i don't wanna dream if it won't come true

i like that song but i can't find the song online. Conner Obst is the artist? Thats the problem with 91.1 and those "independent" stations, great music but no way to find them again! (like that french song "Dit Moi" MUST FIND!) anywhozles.
right now i'm feeling a bit blue and meloncholy and low and confused. (DISCLAIMER** - not directed towards anyone, i'm not vengful or angry i just don't get the world, please don't feel the need to talk to me about this, i'll probably delete this if i even post it) what the eff is up with the world these days? listen, i've had a crush on one guy for like 2 years now and its been up and down and all over the board. he has moved on and on and on after me (no relationship just "something") and here i am just chilling, hoping he'll like me again. i've told myself plenty of times that if that was to happen, i'd be like "you had your chance mister *snap snap*", but i still like him and get nervous infront of him and i know why i like this guy still, because - even if it was a long time ago - he treated like i wanted to be treated for a change, as someone who was pretty enough or nice enough or funny enough to be liked but then i think 'i might never be liked by another guy' or 'thats really cocky to say for someone like me'. or my friends will say "you could do better", not true my comrades, i've yet to have anyone else "better" be interested by me. am i a wet blanket? a loser? a freak? just plain ugly? does everyone think i'm a lesbian? I'M NOT. (a lesbian that is, the others = maybe?) i like to think of myself as well rounded. (in retrospect i'm acting pretty cocky here but still i have a point) i'm in honors classes, i'm a size 6/8, i'm not a b*tch! its mind boggling. i know, you never hear me complain and i shouldn't judge myself because i don't have a boyfriend. i know. but right now, i'm actually saying what i feel and right now i feel like i at least deserve someone to like me as more than an interesting person to talk to. it would be nice to have someone consider me as more than a friend. but its at the point where at 17, i've never had a boyfriend and i've never been kissed. pathetic? by today's standards - yes. (dude, i went to victoria secret two days ago and i told basically everyone helping me there that it was my first time and they all kept saying "NO WAY!" i mean, i had a changing room next to a 12 year old. WTF?) but i digress. okay, there are loads of girls who are strange and used for sex or arm candy and i don't want that. i don't want a 87 year relationship now, but a nice casual something or other that just goes with the flow would be welcomed. i feel like i'm putting out an ad. and i'm not just talking about myself right now. there are tons of girls i know who are smart and down to earth and funny and beautful and athletic and just great and they are single and unnoticed. its time someone else than the size 00000000000 are seen as beautiful. there are girls overlooked because they don't show their coochie-coochies and they don't know how to grind. i'm no feminist (how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?......ZERO, feminists can't change anything! ahahaha) but its completly insane for society to say whats pretty and whats ugly. $500 shoes are ugly, that money should go to the dying people all around the world because of lack of water or food or clothes not to something you'll step in the mud with. and some wrinkled, cheap hand made card is beautful because some little kid made it for their mom or dad because it was their birthday. (but who am i to say whats ugly and whats beautiful).

okay now i'm starting to realize it might not be a good idea to put out my innermost and kind of cocky thoughts out there so i better hit "publish post" now.

sometimes you really feel gravity. you feel it when you step on the scale or when you fall but you feel it even more when you are alone. about 10 minutes ago, about 9:40ish i went outside to lay and look at the stars. well, there were too many clouds to see stars, so i focused on something else. gravity, earth. did you ever stop whatever you were doing because you had the urge to look at the world around you? well, lying on my beach blanket, with my toes in the freshly cut grass and the suprisingly cold wind blowing on my legs, i noticed how fast we are traveling towards morning, towards autumn. the clouds wizzed by and made and broke shapes. and thats when i felt gravity. it was just like a string tied somewhere in my "core" was being pulled down really hard actually. i don't really notice that stuff when i'm dancing about on my two feet or when i'm tossing and turning on my bed but just then it was amazing. there are astonishing things i see everyday now that it's summer. the pendulum in my mind has been so tired of rules and school that its evening out by making me want to explore and relax and just watch. go outside and lay down or come into my backyard and do it, feel the earth.